Moms: If you have some time to yourself, how do you make friends WITHOUT your kids?

[Anonymous]

I'm a SAHM, and I have had trouble making friends. I have 2 kids, and if it isn't one thing, it's the other. For example, I'll have a playdate and one of the other mom's kids is too aggressive. Or my kids and the other mom's kids aren't near each others ages. Or one of their kids wants to play with my kids and the other doesn't. I find that it's easier to find friends for my kids separately. So I've decided that for myself, I'm going to find friends without my kids.

So, anyways, what do you do without your kids in order to meet other moms? (And I'm not including work, since I'm not currently working.) I've already tried playgroups, and like I've mentioned, it just doesn't seem to work out.

I will add one positive thing -- I'm happy about the way my kids have turned out -- that has made it worthwhile. But for me, well, I just miss talking to people beyond the idle chit chat at the playgrounds.

[Anonymous]

I have always met a lot of people through work, so when I was a SAHM I kept in touch with my old work friends. Also since I SAH, it was easier to keep in contact with people because I would go out once or twice a week with friends because I needed to get out of the house. So for me it was just about nurturing existing friendships, which made it really easy to jump back into the work force when I was ready.

I have made some SAHM friends, but just because you have your kids in common does not mean that you have much else in common (as you have found). Some people I met and just have a casual friendship with, are really not people I find terribly interesting.

I am also really into gardening and the "slow food" movement, so I've met a lot of people that way, people that I have a lot in common with. I go to a lot of seminars and talks around this subject, so naturally I have met some people that are just as passionate as myself about these things. Even when I SAH, the vast majority of my good friends were working people, not necessarily moms to young kids.

[Anonymous]

I joined a running group. Found I had a lot in common with them (love of running, outdoors, kids, etc.) and we now hang out a lot w/o the kids. Happy hours and so on. Is there a club or group that you could join?

I agree that it is so hard to meet friends post college/grad school.

[Anonymous]

you can join a gym, a book club, a cooking club, depending on where you live there are mom's groups that do things sans kids in the evenings, you can try to enroll in some activities for your kids (other than playgroup) and maybe meet new moms there?
Did you grow up here?

[Anonymous]

Also, once your kids are in school, you can meet lots of potential friends by volunteering at your kids school or attending school events. Our school relies heavily on parent volunteers and I have met several friends this way. It is really helpful for me b/c I have made friends with moms of kids who are a couple of years older than mine so I can get all kinds of good information and guidance that I would not ordinarily have.

[Anonymous]

Local strip club?? (just kidding)

How about scrap booking? It gives you the chance to show off and talk about your kids without actually have to chase them around mid-sentence.

[Anonymous]

Is there a pool you could join this summer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have always met a lot of people through work, so when I was a SAHM I kept in touch with my old work friends. Also since I SAH, it was easier to keep in contact with people because I would go out once or twice a week with friends because I needed to get out of the house. So for me it was just about nurturing existing friendships, which made it really easy to jump back into the work force when I was ready.

I have made some SAHM friends, but just because you have your kids in common does not mean that you have much else in common (as you have found). Some people I met and just have a casual friendship with, are really not people I find terribly interesting.

I am also really into gardening and the "slow food" movement, so I've met a lot of people that way, people that I have a lot in common with. I go to a lot of seminars and talks around this subject, so naturally I have met some people that are just as passionate as myself about these things. Even when I SAH, the vast majority of my good friends were working people, not necessarily moms to young kids.

OP here -- I think that is the problem -- just because you have kids and someone else does, it doesn't mean you will have things in common.

So, I'm going to start trying to set aside time for me to spend with friends -- I'm going to shoot for once a week. And I'm going to start with old friends (it's a little easier on the ego) -- I am from around here, and I have some very old friends I hardly see anymore because we are all mommies or have careers, etc. I'm thinking something simple, like to meet for dinner, without kids! (I spend so much time on my kids and trying to make sure they have enough socialization, that I forgot about my own social life!)

And for those of you in the same boat -- it took me awhile before I realized that it was because I don't see adults on a regular basis that I wasn't making friends. Think about it -- we spend a huge bulk of our lives spending time with others in school and then in work, so of course we spend time socializing and getting to know people without even realizing it.

Thanks for all your input!

[Anonymous]

I posted earlier, but had another thought. You can also join a moms meetup (or any other kind of meetup that interests you) -- most are for SAHMs. They tend to have a moms night out or some other moms only activity during once a month. I have had a lot of fun with mine and have met all sorts of women that I would not ordinarily meet.

www.meetup.com

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have always met a lot of people through work, so when I was a SAHM I kept in touch with my old work friends. Also since I SAH, it was easier to keep in contact with people because I would go out once or twice a week with friends because I needed to get out of the house. So for me it was just about nurturing existing friendships, which made it really easy to jump back into the work force when I was ready.

I have made some SAHM friends, but just because you have your kids in common does not mean that you have much else in common (as you have found). Some people I met and just have a casual friendship with, are really not people I find terribly interesting.

I am also really into gardening and the "slow food" movement, so I've met a lot of people that way, people that I have a lot in common with. I go to a lot of seminars and talks around this subject, so naturally I have met some people that are just as passionate as myself about these things. Even when I SAH, the vast majority of my good friends were working people, not necessarily moms to young kids.

OP here -- I think that is the problem -- just because you have kids and someone else does, it doesn't mean you will have things in common.

So, I'm going to start trying to set aside time for me to spend with friends -- I'm going to shoot for once a week. And I'm going to start with old friends (it's a little easier on the ego) -- I am from around here, and I have some very old friends I hardly see anymore because we are all mommies or have careers, etc. I'm thinking something simple, like to meet for dinner, without kids! (I spend so much time on my kids and trying to make sure they have enough socialization, that I forgot about my own social life!)

And for those of you in the same boat -- it took me awhile before I realized that it was because I don't see adults on a regular basis that I wasn't making friends. Think about it -- we spend a huge bulk of our lives spending time with others in school and then in work, so of course we spend time socializing and getting to know people without even realizing it.

Thanks for all your input!

Yes, nurture existing friendships that you have put on the back burner, this is a great way to start! From there you might branch out and meet other people.

Thinking you are going to be friends with someone just because you have kids is assuming you will have someting in common with someon who drive your same make and model of car.

[Anonymous]

I don't know if I can add anything fresh to this conversation...but, I've always kind of thought if you pursue what interests you, you're more likely to meet like-minded people, and if you share a common interest with a person or group, the more likely a real friendship or two will develop. No matter what your interests are, chances are there is already a group/class/event that can connect with...

Also, with regard to other moms at the park/playground, perhaps if you lower your expectations and not expect to have anything in common beyond the fact that you're both moms of young children, you'll accept that there is a place for such acquaintances in your world (i.e., you don't have to be good friends with everyone but it's okay to be friendly...even someone you find boring might be able to share some insight on parenting topics/lunch bag items/local schools/enrichment activities/etc.).

With regard to re-connecting with existing friends who are as busy with children/work/life as you...this is so something I can relate to, and an area that I plan to put more time into...but, I also realize I need to be pretty flexible and creative since I can't expect my friends with children to have a whole lot of unscheduled time these days. And, even when you do have set plans with friend(s), be understanding if things change...I mean, how many a mom has had to cancel plans at the last minute because of an ill child?

[Anonymous]

This has been bugging me too. Here's what I think-- motherhood is really destructive for women's social lives. It is totally unfair that women are pretty much taken out of the social world and trapped in the house with kids, here in 2009. But that's what it looks like in my neighborhood. I have slim pickings in friends when looking for women to hang out sans babys or kids. I may have a sitter, but they don't, and their husbands are often working late or traveling...it blows. I miss the younger years when women had social lives independent of their children.

[Anonymous]

Bellydance class.