Interacting with sexist inlaws

[Anonymous]

My inlaws are very pleasant people. Friendly and conversational, we are not close, but get along fine and generally get together at holidays and family events throughout year, but do not live near each other. My quibble is going to seem minor compared to other people's inlaw probably, but it's gnawing at me especially with another holiday visit approaching.

I am a working mom and my inlaws do not acknowledge anything about my career. Now I'm not one who would want to talk about work in social and family settings, but their main topic of conversation with my husband, their son, is his career. They are always asking about his work, which they are very impressed by, although he is reticent to discuss with them. When initiating conversation with me, it's always related to our children. Which is fine, but I think I'm feeling a bit burned lately as I'm working in a fairly demanding field and am also fielding most of the responsibility for kid related stuff too. It's like they can't envision that as a woman I have anything going on outside of kid related work. FWIW, their daughter, who also has s career and kids, reports that this is their dynamic with her too. So it's not personal, I guess. Also, in 10 years of marriage to their son, they've never acknowledged that I didn't take his last name and insist on addressing things to me as MyFirstName HisLastName.

I know I'm not going to change them, but how to get through upcoming extended time with them without getting too ticked off? It really does hurt my feelings that there is no acknowledgement that I do anything outside the home but I don't think confronting them would be productive, just awkward.

Thanks for reading.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps have your husband mention your recent professional accomplishments in conversation, or when they ask about his work.

[Anonymous]

Drinking game.

[Anonymous]

While this is annoying, I think we all have to accept that as a IL "daughter" or even "son" we are probably most interesting to our MIL/FIL as the parent of their grandkids. So in some ways, this is par for the course. That said, why don't you weave in work issues/ stories as appropriate instead of waiting for them to bring it up? Of course you wouldn't want to rattle off a resume of accomplishments, but what about telling a funny story about a mishap or asking for advice (if relevant to the conversation) about dealing with a coworker. There may be "organic" ways of working in that side of your life into conversation and having them appreciate you as whole person instead of just spouse/mom.

[Anonymous]

The kids are the easiest middle ground for conversation. But if you want them to understand your career and interests, it's perfectly ok to talk about them. When they ask what you've been up to, don't say "busy with the kids" say - been working on the great new project, or landed a new client or whatever. Maybe they think you don't want to talk about work.

[Anonymous]

OP:

You are not alone and neither am I apparently.

One Christmas both my husband's cousin and I got promotions. His was just a small step for someone early career. Mine was significant; public; and I earned more money than him. The family made a big huge deal about his promotion and didn't even mention mine. At the end of his toast, my husband said "Larla did x, y, z" and they sort of congratulated me.

None of the women work in that family; not even in my generation. Now that I have a old daughter, I am much more conscious about keeping her away from them. Most of the women have eating disorders. (they don't eat; are all over 5ft6in and weigh under 100 pounds).

[Anonymous]

Don't wait for them to ask, just insert it into the conversation. When they do ask about kids, say something like:

"Billy is really doing well at school, and Janie is loving finger painting. It's so good that they are doing well, and that everything is going well for me at work, too. Did Bob tell you that I just landed a major new client?"

If they take the hint and follow the conversation more, great, if they don't, fine.

As for the name thing, unless it comes up in person, I wouldn't bother mentioning it.

[Anonymous]

OP, the best approach is to stop caring what they think. Hopefully everyone in the rest of your life views you in a three-dimensional way, including as someone with a great career. You will never not be needled by this as long as you care about it, and you're not going to change them and get them to care about you as a working woman rather than as their son's wife and mother to their grandchildren. Yes, it means you will have a two-dimensional relationship with them, but that's just the luck of the draw. Commiserate with your sister-in-law, and keep a drink handy when you're visiting with your in-laws.

[Anonymous]

I have experienced this as well but honestly, who gives a crap what they think anyway? Outside of the office, I don't need to talk about work. The last thing I want to do is carry on about work related stuff. So they want to know every last detail about Husband's job? Fine-- this just allows you to tune out.

[Anonymous]

Why not blend the two topics. School career day or what DD wants to be when she grows up, school programs geared toward specific career paths?

Maybe take DD to work one day so she can tell grandma all about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have experienced this as well but honestly, who gives a crap what they think anyway? Outside of the office, I don't need to talk about work. The last thing I want to do is carry on about work related stuff. So they want to know every last detail about Husband's job? Fine-- this just allows you to tune out.

Exactly. The less you care about in laws the easier your life will be.

[Anonymous]

I agree with stop caring. It is what it is. I thought you we re going to say they load you down with cooking and cleaning chores while waiting on your husband.

You did mention part of your reason for being irked is the larger burden you share in childcare despite your job. I don't see what your in laws have to do with this. This sounds like something to bring up with your husband.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't care and would ignore.

[Anonymous]

As I was reading along I had the same response as most PPs - this is sexist in a sad, out of date way. But we all have these relatives, by blood or marriage (usually both), who are of an older generation and think very conventionally. They're irritating, and sometimes offensive, but it's not your problem. You're the one being fabulous with your career and your family and doing all this great stuff! It's their loss. They'll just hang out at home with their doilies and be outdated. Don't bother trying to 'change' them.

Until you got to the name thing. This exact thing happened to me, and honestly, this is my thought. Is it a mistake they might inadvertently make once? Ok, sure. Twice? Maybe. TEN YEARS WORTH??? That is some passive aggressive BS, but I will lose all faith in humankind if I believe that anyone could be that dumb. It only happened a handful of times with my inlaws before I just asked DH to please gently and kindly remind his mother that my name was x. It hasn't happened since. They know it's not your name and they're being a$$holes.

[Anonymous]

Try reciting the serenity prayer to yourself:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

So sorry, OP, this sucks!