Logistics of Separating

[Anonymous]

After a year of trying to work through our issues, DH and I have decided that we're just moving in circles and we need to go forward. Neither one of us wants to do this do the family but we also don't see a future together. So we go in circles. The kids are 5 and 8. We own a SFH. We'd like to sell it and buy a TH for me and the kids and a condo for him. We really can't afford the mortgage plus rent for another place for a year. We could afford 2 rents.

But everytime we try to start the process, it's just overwhelming. I guess the idea of selling the house is such a permanent decision. It will really put a nail in the coffin. And I suppose that neither of us are there yet or we would be willing to start the process. But we have to move forward and we just don't know how anymore.

[Anonymous]

The phrasing "buy a townhouse for me and the kids" strikes me as wrong. He will need just as much space as you -- not like you're going to end up the primary custodian unless that's something you've explicitly agreed on. I wouldn't make that assumption.

[Anonymous]

I'd talk to a family therapist to start thinking about the best way to navigate the situation for your children, then follow those steps.

[Anonymous]

Could you rent two places in the same building or complex, so the kids could go back and forth easily? Somewhere with a pool and a playground could be fun for a year and you wouldn't have to deal with any exterior maintenance in what is likely to be a stressful year.

Do you have a friend who would be willing to rent a room to both of you, and you could switch off who stays there while the kids stay in the house you have now?

[Anonymous]

I suspect the logistics is not really what's holding you both back, but rather the finality of taking actual steps to move on. Even when it is clearly over, it is really hard to stop hoping that maybe the marriage could somehow be revived to something like its former glory. Everyone will add to that hope by pressuring you to make it work "for the children" and/or advise more counseling, accept that "good enough" might be tolerable, etc. It is really a difficult thing to finally separate. I feel for you. Maybe you both just need a bit more time to process what you want to do next ... sounds like giving it as much time as you need won't harm anyone.