How to help a friend who's going through a tough time in her marriage?

[Anonymous]

A friend of mine confided in me last night telling me that her husband has been cheating on her and that she's planning to file for divorce. She's feeling really down because she's had a few relationships in the past that ended because she was cheated on. She's beating herself up wondering why does this keep happening to her and that maybe she needs to stay out of relationships. She cancelled her Thanksgiving plans because of this. I offered for her to come have Thanksgiving dinner with my family and I, but she declined. I wanted to some advice on what I could do to try and cheer her up.

[Anonymous]

Been there (as the one who was cheated on). Don't betray her confidence -- so no telling anyone else. Try to help her find a good therapist to help her understand her feelings and self doubt about choosing the right partners.

Listen to her, let her vent, don't try to fix anything. Best advice is to tell her to take her time and that you will support her along the way -- even if she waffles back and forth on her plans.

I would also suggest that she join the Great Beginnings support group. They are a group for recently separated or divorced people (and you don't have to be separated yet to join). They provide really helpful advice and a group that she can discuss her situation with in a very non judgmental fashion. They have meetings in DC, VA, and MD.

Reach out to her every so often and suggest an activity that you can do together. It was hard for me to want to see anyone while I was going through such a tough time.

[Anonymous]

Thank you! I'll definitely recommend the support group!

[Anonymous]

Her heart is definitely breaking piece by piece each and every day.

Being cheated on sucks and I mean it SUCKS. And if she has experienced this over and over, the knife may dig in a bit deeper each time.

That was wonderful of you to invite her over for dinner, but some people when they are in pain prefer to be alone. Being around others can be too much for some to handle.

Plus, she didn't want to ruin your festive meal with her misery I am sure.

Anyway, continue letting her know that you will be there for her, a sounding board...A shoulder to cry on...Anything.

But also respect that there will be times where she just wants to be alone, cry, scream....Anything.

In other words, be there and let her know it, but by the same token try to respect boundaries.

Hugs to her. Esp. to feel this sad during the holidays, I know is very tough.

[Anonymous]

If she is religious, there is a church based support group and set of classes dealing with divorce. I am not overly religious, but I found the classes to be really helpful. They are not preachy, but provide some solid advice in how to deal with the reality of the legal system and, when ready, how to move on from all the anger and resentment.

I think it was called the Divorce Care program. It is offered at many different churches around DC. Some people prefer to go to classes at a church other than their own so that they can share more openly. I was in a class with four other women and it was an incredibly caring little group.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a kind and thoughtful friend. It's totally understandable that you want to cheer up your friend, but I think you need to approach her distress in a different way (I say this as someone who is divorced after my spouse cheated-and it was a completely shocking thing to me). It's great to offer her distractions if she wants them (come to my house, go to drinks/movie/spa/whatever), but understand that right now she might need to be sad and angry, and that's normal and healthy and may actually help her move on and eventually find a partner who treats her well.

I would keep doing what you are doing-offer her opportunities to spend time with you and don't get offended or stop offering if she declines. Encourage her to go to therapy, at least on a short-term basis. Remind her that she is a strong person, and she will get through this, and by this time next year life will be better.

[Anonymous]

All of this is really good advice. I'll keep checking on her and inviting her out just to get out of the house, but I'll also give her her space if she makes it clear that she wants to be alone. I just hate seeing her so down like this.

[Anonymous]

OP again, I tried reaching out to her again today and she told me she wants to be alone. She's in the blaming herself stage. I'm wondering since she declined my invite, would it be wrong for me to send her a gift card or something for an outing or maybe a spa day for whenever she's ready? Or is that being too pushy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again, I tried reaching out to her again today and she told me she wants to be alone. She's in the blaming herself stage. I'm wondering since she declined my invite, would it be wrong for me to send her a gift card or something for an outing or maybe a spa day for whenever she's ready? Or is that being too pushy?

Sounds fine. She may not respond enthusiastically but when she is feeling better, she'll remember that you were there for her.

[Anonymous]

MY ADVICE TO THOSE WITH HEART BROKEN, AND HOW TO GET YOUR EX BACK ON TRACK.
My husband left again for the last time on Jan 7, 2015. We have been married for 28 years. He left for another woman, the third since 1996 that I know of, but it’s very painful. We have two children 27 and 25 yrs old and a grandson who is 7. Our life was never stable because of his affairs. I just wanted to believe that he would never do it again. He did and every time he left it was without warning. I never want to feel that feeling of wondering when or if he’ll leave when I walk out the door to go to work. But still i was ready for a better life with him despite all this, until i cried out and a friend directed me to a man called Dr Amigo the online spell caster, with full expectation i write him on his email and explain everything to him, within a period of 7days he performed a greater work, my husband is back to the real man i got married to 28years ago. for any kind of relationship help reach out to him now on the internet. Type “Dr Amigo the online love spell caster” on Google to see people talked about his good works and sincerity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again, I tried reaching out to her again today and she told me she wants to be alone. She's in the blaming herself stage. I'm wondering since she declined my invite, would it be wrong for me to send her a gift card or something for an outing or maybe a spa day for whenever she's ready? Or is that being too pushy?

Sounds fine. She may not respond enthusiastically but when she is feeling better, she'll remember that you were there for her.

Thank you! I just wanted to make sure I'm not bugging her too much, lol.