Anyone else celebrating first thanksgiving with a parent's new spouse

[Anonymous]

I miss my mom so much I can't breathe. I want my dad to be happy but I am not handling this well. My kids are confused, I am confused. I want to know this will all be fine in the end. I hate misery loves company but maybe it does. I have painted this rosy picture to all who ask but inside I am so sad. This is a nice lady so this is not her fault but I am now wondering if my kids memory of their Grandmom is going to be washed away. Sorry I am feeling sorry for myself right now.

[Anonymous]

Calm down. It's a meal. That's all. You still have your memories of your mom. Wouldn't your mom want your dad to be happy?

Men are often quick(er than women) to pair up; they often can't be alone.

[Anonymous]

So sorry, OP. This is a really tough part of grief. Your kids will not forget, because you will teach them to remember their grandmother. It's a really hard adjustment, but nobody expects you to pretend it's the same as having your mom. Just be nice to her, pass her the potatoes, and wait it out. Then go home and tell your kids all about their grandmother.

I hope this woman is helpful to your dad and that it makes life easier for you in the long run. When my dad got old, I was really glad that he was married and had someone keeping an eye on him and managing his health. (Happiness is all well and good too.)

[Anonymous]

I get it OP, I felt the same way when my dad started dating after my mother's death. Hated it, hated the woman. We never had to deal with the holidays, though, that would have made it worse.

But I gotta tell you, it's even more upsetting to see my dad now - he's at the end of his life now, and I look back on the resentment of his time on the dating scene with a little bit of chagrin. I'm not trying to guilt trip you; just to know that there will come a day when you will still miss your mom like crazy, and you'll realize that your father's new spouse doesn't take a single thing away from her memory. Just hopefully makes whatever time he has left a little bit happier - as presumably your mother might have wanted.

And btw, my mother died on my oldest child's second birthday. The younger one never met her. But they know all about her. No one can diminish your memories OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, I never knew my maternal grandmother, but I feel as if I did, because my mom shared so many stories with us. By the time I was born, my maternal grandfather was remarried, and his wife did a good job of filling the grandmother role for us. I'm sure that that was hard on my mom. But I just wanted to point out that your children can have a strong connection to your mother even if your dad has a new partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I miss my mom so much I can't breathe. I want my dad to be happy but I am not handling this well. My kids are confused, I am confused. I want to know this will all be fine in the end. I hate misery loves company but maybe it does. I have painted this rosy picture to all who ask but inside I am so sad. This is a nice lady so this is not her fault but I am now wondering if my kids memory of their Grandmom is going to be washed away. Sorry I am feeling sorry for myself right now.

(((hugs)))

[Anonymous]

My maternal grandmother died just after I was born. Grandpa got into a relationship with a woman who became like a grandmother to me.

That said, I still miss my Grandma, and I know a good deal about her. Your kids won't forget the love they received from your mom. I am sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't help you as far as missing your mother goes, but try to think about all the bonus love your kids will receive. Your mom was an amazing grandmother and they will hear all about her from you. That wont be diminished. But they are also lucky to have an additional grandmother to love on them, even if it isn't quite the same. Extra love never hurts.

Also, you are allowed to feel this way. Its ok to be overwhelmed by the grief. It is ok to let it all out. You should probably make sure you have a quiet place to go to during the holidays where you can cry out any of your emotions. Bring tissues and advil and maybe some eye drops. Its ok to prepare ahead of time for the emotions you know you will be dealing with.

[Anonymous]

I miss my mom too. It's her birthday over Thanksgiving and it's been 2 years since she died and I still cry all the time.

I just wanted to offer another perspective. My oldest (who was 9 when my mom died) told me the other day thatthe other two kids don't really remember Grandma at all but didn't want to tell me that and upset me. My oldest also admitted that she "doesn't really" remember Grandma "all that well."

OK,t hat sucks. My heart is broken. But wouldn't it be nice for my kids to have a lovely grandma-ish type person in their lives. Of course she won't be supplant mom - my mom is gone and NO ONE could ever, ever replace her because she was the best - but they could have a relationship with a nice older lady who cared for them and cared for my dad. They've already lost memories of my mom. The new lady didn't cause that, it's a function of the way things are.

Either way, I'm so sorry. I'm missing my mom pretty terribly this week. I bet you are too and I'm sending you some strength.