Invite dynamic question

[Anonymous]

I'm a little put-off by my cousin's response to an invite. Am I over-thinking?

Lots of family in town for Thanksgiving. Local cousin has new baby, and won't be at our family Thanksgiving meal because she'll be with her in-laws.

I invited all our family here for brunch on either Friday or Saturday, whatever day works for majority. She writes back: "let's go to the Festival of Trees instead."

In my book, an invite warrants a "yes, please" or a "no, thank you," not a completely different suggestion of plans. If she wants to organize an outing, great, she's free to do so...AFTER responding to my invite, not changing the plans I'm trying to organize.

Plus, many family members are older and don't want "outings" with little kids. They would enjoy brunch where they can relax and see everyone, and kids can play outdoors and in the kid-friendly basement.

I'm honestly asking for a gut-check here, and am willing to roll with whatever the majority wants to do...TIA!

[Anonymous]

It's a rude response. I would not even dignify it with an answer and would treat it as a "can't make it" from her.

[Anonymous]

My response would be Thanks for getting back to me. I'll put your family down as a no. Have a great time at the festival of the trees.

[Anonymous]

I'd be tweaked too. Did she do a "reply all", or just write back to you?

[Anonymous]

Maybe she means she can't do brunch but would like to get together with "you" (not extended family) for the festival of trees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she means she can't do brunch but would like to get together with "you" (not extended family) for the festival of trees.

No...her reply said "we'll all still be full from Thanksgiving" and "it would be nice to get out," and it was a group message to all the adults of the various families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd be tweaked too. Did she do a "reply all", or just write back to you?

Reply all. And my other aunt immediately replied, "We can do that if that's what works best for everyone." So now I'm going to look like a jerk if I "insist" on sticking to the brunch plan...

[Anonymous]

Maybe it's time to split things into two activities instead of everybody having to agree on one event.

It is obvious that your cousin has different ideas about the after Thanksgiving get together. Plus, your aunt should have spoken up about your brunch plans.

[Anonymous]

If it was a mass email, I could maybe see how your cousin didn't think it was necessarily a set formal invitation, but saw it as an email exchange that was open for discussion. How formal was your wording- did it have a set time, place and everything and rsvp request? Or was it phrased as an email asking if that sounded like a good idea / does that work for everyone, type thing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it was a mass email, I could maybe see how your cousin didn't think it was necessarily a set formal invitation, but saw it as an email exchange that was open for discussion. How formal was your wording- did it have a set time, place and everything and rsvp request? Or was it phrased as an email asking if that sounded like a good idea / does that work for everyone, type thing? [/quote

This. I wouldn't necessarily know an email equals a formal invitation. If you sent an evite or Facebook invite, then yeah her response is rude. But if you sent a mass email, it's not clear.

Besides, I think she has a point. After a big meal the day before, I don't want another meal. Especially at a restaurant with a big party. That's rough with little kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it was a mass email, I could maybe see how your cousin didn't think it was necessarily a set formal invitation, but saw it as an email exchange that was open for discussion. How formal was your wording- did it have a set time, place and everything and rsvp request? Or was it phrased as an email asking if that sounded like a good idea / does that work for everyone, type thing? [/quote

This. I wouldn't necessarily know an email equals a formal invitation. If you sent an evite or Facebook invite, then yeah her response is rude. But if you sent a mass email, it's not clear.

Besides, I think she has a point. After a big meal the day before, I don't want another meal. Especially at a restaurant with a big party. That's rough with little kids.

Who said anything about a restaurant? It's a group (not "mass") e-mail clearly inviting family to my home for brunch. Read the original post. THE WHOLE POINT is to accommodate both older adults and little kids. It was an e-mail invite to my home with a set time, date and place. I did say that we could do another day or time if that's what worked better for people's schedules, but the "base" of the invite was brunch at my house so family could see each other, since some would not see each other on Thanksgiving Day.

Plus really? You eat a big meal one day so you don't want to eat another meal the next day? That makes no sense. We're not talking 20 courses here. It's brunch.

[Anonymous]

OP didn't say restaurant. She said hangingnout at her house.

OP, why don't you reply all something along the lines of:

"Thanks for the suggestion Cousin. Why don't we plan for brunch on Saturday at my house at 11:00 and whoever wants to see the Christmas village can head that way afterwards. We are happy to be the staging/meet up place. Anyone who wants to stay and relax at my house is welcome to, and everyone else can head out around xyz time. Can't wait to see everyone!"

[Anonymous]

Are you doing brunch at your house with you cooking? If so reply all and say you're planning to do brunch at 10 on X day for whoever is interested and ask for a head count for Fri and a head count for Sat and choose the day with the most yeses. Then say cousin is interested in doing the tree thing and that's at X time on X day for anyone who's interested in either or both events.

[Anonymous]

Your sentiment is right on, OP: Invitations warrant a prompt "yes, please," or "no, thank you," or maaaaaybe a "let me check on a few things and get back to you very soon."

I HATE IT when I invite people to a movie, and they say, "Oh, let's not go see that, let's go see this instead." Same with a restaurant. If you want to plan a group outing to a restaurant, do so, but don't try to hijack my outing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP didn't say restaurant. She said hangingnout at her house.

OP, why don't you reply all something along the lines of:

"Thanks for the suggestion Cousin. Why don't we plan for brunch on Saturday at my house at 11:00 and whoever wants to see the Christmas village can head that way afterwards. We are happy to be the staging/meet up place. Anyone who wants to stay and relax at my house is welcome to, and everyone else can head out around xyz time. Can't wait to see everyone!"

I think this is a great suggestion, OP. I imagine I'd be pretty annoyed if I were you, but hope that I would take the high road. How old is the baby? Maybe your cousin is just not thinking straight right now? If this is the first time she's done something like this, please keep that perspective. It probably wasn't intentional.

Have fun with your brunch! I love to eat and would appreciate the invitation from someone to prepare breakfasty food for me (score!!!) AND have space for my kids to run around (double score!!).