Anyone have a high schooler that you don't think is ready for college yet?

[Alibaba]

I have always assumed my kids would go to college. My oldest is a junior in college now.

I also have a junior in high school who shows very little interest in doing well in school. She's damn smart too.

She doesn't do homework and doesn't study for tests. She does well when she likes the teacher or it's a subject she likes. She gets As and Bs when she applies herself. Cs and Ds when she doesn't. Even the occasional F.

She is in a private school now. She's been diagnosed with adhd and executive functioning disorder but in reality her teachers and tutors have told me that she knows what to do but she is just not doing it. She prioritized her social life above all else.

I am at a loss about how to approach college with her. If she does this while under my roof I can't image what she will be like in a dorm room with no parental supervision. I don't want to deprive her of a college experience or the advantages that college will give her in life. I feel like she is not mature enough for that step yet.

Has anyone had something similar happen? Need advice.

[Anonymous]

NVCC then transfer when ready

[Anonymous]

Are you sure the teachers know what's actually going on with your daughter? The uneven grades are consistent with ADHD, and if your daughter has the diagnosis what makes you feel that's not a large part of her issue?

I too have a daughter in 11th grade and her profile is similar to your daughter's. She is very different from her older siblings, who had much more consistent grades even in classes they didn't care about. Our daughter's private school teachers told us for years it was a motivation issue -- she could do the work when she tried hard. We finally had her tested and see now this wasn't the whole story. She scored really low on processing speed, working memory, and executive functioning despite above average intelligence.

I worry she isn't ready for college yet too, but I've also seen positive signs of maturity and seriousness. For her, being diagnosed with ADHD helped her understand and feel better about herself. It seems to us that she is on a slower path to academic success than her sibs, but she seems to be getting there. I'd love her to do a gap year, although not sure she'll go for that. Anyway, just thought I'd offer my thoughts since your DD sounds similar.

[Anonymous]

Look at this college. They have a special program for kids with ADHD. Wonderful professors, very supportive.
http://www.muskingum.edu/admission/plus.html
It is an hour outside of Columbus, OH

[Anonymous]

Sounds like exactly the type of kid who needs to figure it out on her own, not coddled.

[Anonymous]

Mine had anxiety, ADD, and mild learning disabilities, but was mature and had good study habits. She is in her fifth and last year now at a state school. We considered a gap year program or community college, but ultimately it was worth the $18k "wasted year" to send her off with her friends to live in a freshman dorm and learn how to navigate college courses and campus resources for students with her SN. In the end, she earned 24 credits and, despite a GPA below 3.0, she cultivated relationships with professors that have paid off as she applied for her major, internships, etc. it would have discouraged and probably humiliated her to keep her home a year.

[Anonymous]

Have you talked to her about your expectations? What she needs for college? Told her what happens if she doesn't go to college, i.e. needs a job, will pay you rent, etc? Sometimes it is about the motivation.

[Anonymous]

First question: Are you treating the ADHD?

[Alibaba]

OP here.

Yes she is on medication for adhd, depression and anxiety. She is in counseling and has a psychiatrist for Med Mgmt.

She recently started DBT therapy but frankly doesn't see a reason to change her behavior.

Truthfully she doesn't get the consequences concept. We have a deal right now where she has to get all As and Bs and no more than 2 Cs on her 1st semester report card to get her learners permit. In Q1 she got 2 Ds. She has already tried to renegotiate it. I have actually told her that I am less worried about the grades but don't want to see missing or late assignments.

She consistently compares herself to her older sibling who was a 3.8 gpa kid at a tough private school while being an athlete. And she expects the same treatment as him. Yes she thinks she's entitled. That's part of the problem.

I made her get a job and work every week to try to give her a sense of responsibility and learn from an employer that you have to work to earn things. It helps a little but begrudges me because I didn't make her older brother have a job during the school year. (He always had a summer job).

Part of me agrees with the PP who said she has to figure it out herself. I have also thought that if she is too immature then she'll get there eventually. It is hard when her friends are all talking about college visits.

[Anonymous]

I'm the Pp with the similar daughter. With the additional information from OPs second post I think there's more going on here. Your daughter sounds like she's struggling with emotional issues not just ADHD. Is she in therapy?

[Alibaba]

OP: Yes. She has been in therapy for several years. We just started dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) and they are leaning towards a borderline personality disorder diagnosis. She lost her dad 4 years ago and it's been a struggle.

[Anonymous]

Our daughter has ADHD and struggled in HS. The only school she could get into was a big name party school. The type of school that admits everyone. We told her we weren't paying for it.

She has been living at home this semester and going to community college. She is taking 3 classes. She is doing well--2 Bs and an A for midterm grades. But what she finally has the courage to tell us is that she doesn't want to go to college at all.

We are supporting her decision. We have told her that is fine but that in Jan she will need to get a full time job. She is welcome to continue living at home but she will need to pay some rent--$100/month and that we will no longer pay her cell phone bill or provide her spending money.

We have also told her that at any point in time if she is ready to go to college we will pay for it. It could be next fall if she decides working is not for her or in 5 or 10 years.

[Anonymous]

Lost her dad when she was 12-13? That might be the problem right there.

I'm so sorry for you, too!!

[Anonymous]

OP, it is really hard when you have a child who doesn't fit the normal success story that many families experience.

Do try to get your DD interested in something. I grew up in a family with 8 kids. One sister was never much interested in school, left home at 18, never kept a job for more than about a year. Now, at age 50+ the rest of the family have to support her because she never finished college. It's a hard life for people who don't fit the mold.

[Anonymous]

We had the same DD (less the depression and anxiety). Just a smart but won't-work-hard social kid. The thought of her being at home at ages 18, 19, 20 really concerned me. DH and I decided to let her go to college (rather than insisting she live at home and go to GMU) where she's having loads of fun. But she's been navigating the school studies and social activities. Her grades aren't great but about what I've come to expect. For her, a year or two at home just would not have drastically changed the outcome (meaning I think she's just gonna be a 3.0GPA college grad no matter what we do).