Do i keep working on this?

[Anonymous]

I wrote briefly about this on someone else's post. DH is estranged from his sister due to issues regarding his sick/elderly parents' care. DH expects caregiving work to be equal, and it hasn't been. She never physically lived with her parents after they got sick and does not fully understand the impact of being caregiver while also parenting small children. She has made certain choices that make caregiving even harder for her in the future.

SIL is a good kind person, though perhaps lacking in initiative. She means well, but not so great at actually getting things done. That worked at 22, says DH, but not at 30. She's also the baby of the family, and has been taken care of by her parents, sibling, and now her husband (who wants to protect her from stress, especially including hypercritical older brother, my husband).

DH hasn't spoken to her in 6 months and hardly has any contact with her. When he does, its just anger and vitriol. Prior to his mom getting sick, DH and little sister were very close - spoke to each other a few times a week. I always felt very close to her too, like my own sister. For the last few years, its been mainly me to have contact with her, arrange visits and Skype calls, etc.

At any rate, my question is, should I continue to maintain contact with her still, even if he doesn't? DH hasn't said to cut off contact, on the contrary he says I should do whatever feels right to me. I want the kids to have an aunt who loves them. They miss her. But its getting more and more weird for me being the one to maintain the relationship. It always feels so tense and awkward on the phone. Moreover, I feel like my SIL is definitely drifting away - she seems less and less interested in making an effort these days.

Anyway, advice? oddly, it is something I think about a lot. Starting to wonder if it really matters as much as I am making it matter. The kids don't ask about her as much as they used to...and we have plenty of other relatives that we are actually quite close to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wrote briefly about this on someone else's post. DH is estranged from his sister due to issues regarding his sick/elderly parents' care. DH expects caregiving work to be equal, and it hasn't been. She never physically lived with her parents after they got sick and does not fully understand the impact of being caregiver while also parenting small children. She has made certain choices that make caregiving even harder for her in the future.

SIL is a good kind person, though perhaps lacking in initiative. She means well, but not so great at actually getting things done. That worked at 22, says DH, but not at 30. She's also the baby of the family, and has been taken care of by her parents, sibling, and now her husband (who wants to protect her from stress, especially including hypercritical older brother, my husband).

DH hasn't spoken to her in 6 months and hardly has any contact with her. When he does, its just anger and vitriol. Prior to his mom getting sick, DH and little sister were very close - spoke to each other a few times a week. I always felt very close to her too, like my own sister. For the last few years, its been mainly me to have contact with her, arrange visits and Skype calls, etc.

At any rate, my question is, should I continue to maintain contact with her still, even if he doesn't? DH hasn't said to cut off contact, on the contrary he says I should do whatever feels right to me. I want the kids to have an aunt who loves them. They miss her. But its getting more and more weird for me being the one to maintain the relationship. It always feels so tense and awkward on the phone. Moreover, I feel like my SIL is definitely drifting away - she seems less and less interested in making an effort these days.

Anyway, advice? oddly, it is something I think about a lot. Starting to wonder if it really matters as much as I am making it matter. The kids don't ask about her as much as they used to...and we have plenty of other relatives that we are actually quite close to.

Something to think about is, what do you want to do?
Do you want to have a relationship with, such as she is?

Sometimes the women are the relationship keepers. Doesn't need to be BFF level or anything. When parents pass, you may find yourselves in different positions.

My SIL took on most of the care of an aging parent. We were estranged (she had been pretty awful when my kids were babies). When she stepped up for the greater good of the family I told DH, from now on, no matter how we feel, we do what she says. She is giving up the most. She is sparing you stress and allowing us to work. We jump when she says to. She's the alpha. I promise not to complain and to have humilty.

It sounds like you all are the alpha family. How much you offer to her of your time, affection, friendship is up to you. Cutting her off would be a loss. Maintaining a boundary sounds wise. A text here and a school picture there should be no big deal.

[Anonymous]

OP:

Learn to communicate better, since your husband and his sister suck at it.

What EXACTLY are they fighting about?

Your husband expects some kind of 50/50 split in caregiving? Was that ever laid out on the table between him and his sister? I'll bet not. I'll bet your husband is angry because he's doing the bulk of the caring for the parents and yet the parents will probably splits their estate 50/50. I'll further bet that at some point your husband suggested to his sister, that she give him her half of the parents estate cause he's doing all the work. Of course she would have rejected that kind of a suggestion.

Money is what these quarrels always boil down to.

This is what you tell your husband: Tell him to grow up. If he wants to take care of his parents he shouldn't have any expectations about what his sister "should" do if she hasn't committed to those expectations. Even if she has, if she's too immature to follow up, he shouldn't be surprised by that.

None of that is any reason for him, or you, to freeze her out.

[Anonymous]

DH expects caregiving work to be equal, and it hasn't been.



Why does he expect caregiving work to be equal? Did the sister ever agree to that? Who elected your brother to be his parents' caregiver in the first place?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP:

Learn to communicate better, since your husband and his sister suck at it.

What EXACTLY are they fighting about?

Your husband expects some kind of 50/50 split in caregiving? Was that ever laid out on the table between him and his sister? I'll bet not. I'll bet your husband is angry because he's doing the bulk of the caring for the parents and yet the parents will probably splits their estate 50/50. I'll further bet that at some point your husband suggested to his sister, that she give him her half of the parents estate cause he's doing all the work. Of course she would have rejected that kind of a suggestion.

Money is what these quarrels always boil down to.

This is what you tell your husband: Tell him to grow up. If he wants to take care of his parents he shouldn't have any expectations about what his sister "should" do if she hasn't committed to those expectations. Even if she has, if she's too immature to follow up, he shouldn't be surprised by that.

None of that is any reason for him, or you, to freeze her out.

Op here. I get what you are saying, but there is no estate to mention. Parents have been financially taken care of us for the last decade. He does not want to take care of his parents solely, and has said that from the start. He has been upfront. But parents feel younger sis

[Anonymous]

Sorry. Got cut off. Basically the parents feel it is only the oldest job. And sil seems OK with this.

[Anonymous]

While I get the frustration over a sibling who isn't contributing equally to caregiving, it sounds like your husband may be taking out his anger/frustration/saddness over his parents' decline and the need for caregiving on his sister. If you like her, I would try to keep that door open, because it would make it a lot easier to reconcile later if your husband comes around.

What are the choices she's made that makes it harder for her to contributing to caregiving?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH expects caregiving work to be equal, and it hasn't been.



Why does he expect caregiving work to be equal? Did the sister ever agree to that? Who elected your brother to be his parents' caregiver in the first place?

He did not want it. It was either take over as 'manager' or have them go to a nursing home. Parents wanted him to be the one in charge. He did not want to abandon them, and assumed once SIL was older/good job/married, she would do more. She said she would once she was married but han't. The last straw for DH was when we wanted to go to Mexico for a vacation and SIL protested that we were going to put them temporarily in a home for 10 days. We went anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH expects caregiving work to be equal, and it hasn't been.



Why does he expect caregiving work to be equal? Did the sister ever agree to that? Who elected your brother to be his parents' caregiver in the first place?

He did not want it. It was either take over as 'manager' or have them go to a nursing home. Parents wanted him to be the one in charge. He did not want to abandon them, and assumed once SIL was older/good job/married, she would do more. She said she would once she was married but han't. The last straw for DH was when we wanted to go to Mexico for a vacation and SIL protested that we were going to put them temporarily in a home for 10 days. We went anyway.

From the sister's perspective, if a nursing home would be an option and your DH decided instead to take on the caregiving himself, that decision is on him and shouldn't create an heightened expectation of her. Having your parents go to a nursing home isn't abandoning them.

[Anonymous]

Keep in touch with the SIL and find counseling for your husband. He has anger, grief, and control issues