My husband should buy his mom a mother's day gift

[Anonymous]

Ever since we've been married, I've been the one to do most of the birthday, holiday gift purchases for all our family and friends. I'm happy to do it most of the time. But, now I'm thinking he should buy/pick out a gift for his mom for mother's day. I don't really know his mother well and she's never really been a "mother" figure for me. So, I find it hard to find a meaningful gift for her. I usually end up just buying 2 of whatever it is I'm getting my mother - but I feel like that also makes the gift I've selected for my mom less personal/meaningful. Plus - I'm a mom now too - so I'm feeling more put out this year.

[Anonymous]

Okay, so tell your husband....

[Anonymous]

Agreed. My husband knows, if he doesn't buy for his mother, she doesn't get a gift.

[Anonymous]

I've noticed that in general, gift giving holidays are just exchanges between women. Even Christmas. Doesn't matter whose name is on the gift tag.

[Anonymous]

My father-in-law has argued for years (somewhat jokingly) that he shouldn't have to get his wife a mother's day card because she's not his mother. I agree that women tend to be the gift organizers in most families - if it really bothers you, tell your husband you're not doing it anymore.

[Anonymous]

OP, is your fear that if you don't do it, it won't get done? That's why I buy all the gifts for my husband's family members. Because I know that if I tell DH that I'm not doing it anymore, he'll forget...which will lead to hurt feelings and feuds, and I just don't want to have to deal with that, so it's easier for me to just buy the cards and gifts. I believe this phenomenon on men's part is called "klutzing out" in feminist literature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agreed. My husband knows, if he doesn't buy for his mother, she doesn't get a gift.

Same here. So, she doesn't get anything.

[Anonymous]

Husband here. You probably care more about it than he does, and that's just fine. I actually think it's a little silly to spend lots of money to send mother's day stuff to my own mom, and I'd feel little guilt about just giving her a phone call on the day. But maybe that's just because my own family was/is pretty low-key about holidays.

Ultimately though, it's my responsibility to send my mom a gift/card, and it's also my choice too whether I want to -- not my wife's. Sure, it's wonderful and considerate when my wife offers to pick something up for me while she's getting something for her own mom, and I do the same for her (for example ordering flowers for my wife's mom's birthday when my wife is busy at work). But in the end, it's your husband's relationship with his mom, not yours, so let him be responsible for it. To be fair though, since you've set up an expectation for several years that you will buy for him, you should make sure to give him plenty of advance notice of your plan, so you don't leave him without a chance to buy.

I hope that helps.

[Anonymous]

I used to do this for my DH and now I don't. Usually my husband forgets. There is no love lost, because his mom is a real piece of work. She is local and thank god now that we have a family of our own, I don't have to see her on mother's day. Now if only I could get out of Thanksgiving and Christmas.

[Anonymous]

I suck it up and get hubby's mom something (even though she hates me) b/c he will wait until last minute ask her what she wants and she'll request something really expensive (i.e. flat screen tv) that we can't afford and at that point he feels like he can't say no. I learned the hard way so I just send her a token from somewhere on line and then send him over on Sunday afternoon to visit with the kids.

[Anonymous]

I just suck it up and do it. What really drives me nuts is my MIL always thanks my husband and only my husband for every gift she gets. Does the woman truly not reailze who is behind the gifts?

Oh well, I'm sure if she got nothing, I'd be to blame. That's just the way things work on that side of the family.

But if you aren't going to do it, give your DH plenty of warning.

[Anonymous]

I usually do it and generally don't mind b/c my DH does so much around the house. He does a lot of cooking, grocery shopping, etc. So, if the gift giving falls on me I don't really mind. It does bother me a little when he gets all of the "thank yous" from his family.

[Anonymous]

" But in the end, it's your husband's relationship with his mom, not yours, so let him be responsible for it. "

I totally agree with this. There are many times when my DH doesn't get gifts for his family or sends them late, but you know what? It is about his relationship with his family. That's not to say that I won't get something or suggest something for one of his family members if I get an idea. But I told him from the time we got married that gifts for his family would be his responsibility, and he agreed. Sometimes I've felt a bit guilty or worried about what his family thinks of me, but I think it is pretty clear by now that he is in charge of their gifts and whether the gifts are good, bad, late or non-existent is his responsibility.

[Anonymous]

I used to do it, too, but I found that if I bought his mom a gift, he would forget about Mother's Day entirely. We're doing things differently now because I got pissed off when totally forgot to get me a card last year.

At least I know that if I don't get acknowledgment, I can be pretty sure that MIL isn't getting it either! We can commiserate.