Family gift giving question-would love some feedback

[Anonymous]

My husband's brother lives in Idaho. He and his ex-wife have seven children ranging in age from 4 to 18. My husband and I don't really know or have relationships with the kids-we rarely see them (maybe once every 2 years) plus my brother-in-law's ex is crazy and apparently has told the children lots of negative things about my husband's side of the family (they had a very messy divorce with all sorts of ongoing drama...custody fights, the ex-wife likes to call Child Protective Services and the police with false reports, the ex-wife has threatened my brother in law's current wife...it's a big soap opera).

Every year I send Christmas gifts to the Idaho kids-I feel like I need to give them gifts since we also give gifts to our 6 nieces that live relatively nearby (who we actually do have relationships with). I have no problem sending presents to the younger Idaho kids but wonder at what age it's appropriate to stop. The 18 year old never thanks us or acknowledges that we sent her anything (she's estranged from my brother-in-law and very allied with her mother). I really don't want to send her a gift this year-I feel like at some point there needs to be a cut-off...to me in this case it's once the child finishes high school. Any suggestions about how to handle this? On one hand, I feel weird sending presents to the youngr kids and not to the oldest one but on the other hand I feel like it needs to end at some point...once I got into my late teens I no longer received birthday and Christmas gifts from my aunts/uncles. My husband really doesn't care what I do (which frustrates me because it's his family but that's a whole other story!) and has left it up to me to decide. Any thoughts or feedback would be great!

[Anonymous]

I would buy gifts if your brother has visitation or custody and send them to his house. The 18 year old is caught in a bad situation. If they have contact with dad, send a gift. No contact, no gift.

[Anonymous]

That's tough. What about sending a family gift for all of the siblings? Like a game night or movie night basket. Good luck. I know what it's like dealing with unconventional family relationships, and it's not all roses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's tough. What about sending a family gift for all of the siblings? Like a game night or movie night basket. Good luck. I know what it's like dealing with unconventional family relationships, and it's not all roses.

OP here-that's a good idea-thanks. Trying to think of a family gift that would be appropriate for all of the kids...it's tough with such a large age range.

[Anonymous]

I'd keep giving to the older one until after the age of 21.

[Anonymous]

Once kids go to college I tell them "Before you went to college, the relationship we had was through your parents. Now that you're in college you get to choose if you want relationships with people. I would love to have a mature relationship with you. Let me know whether or not you would like the same."

I send them that note along with a small care package. If they write a thank you back to me, I take that as a yes and will keep sending holiday and birthday gifts. If they don't, I take it as a no and don't send anything else.

[Anonymous]

I sent a gift to my younger cousin until she was well into her twenties. She never acknowledged it, until DH suddenly lost his job and we were very precariously situated one winter. That year she sent us a ton of lovely and expensive gifts! It was the only year she sent us gifts, but I really appreciated them!

So you never know how people process gratitude...