Vent: My Mother Makes Me Nuts About Gifts

[Anonymous]

Every year around this time my mother very nicely asks for gift ideas, they want to get me something I really want, that's just for me - and then proceeds to put down any suggestions she doesn't approve of. And it's so hard for me to not take her comments personally and get upset. It's irrational, I know, but the woman knows how to push my buttons. She is judgmental about many, many choices - it's like there are a bunch of petty unwritten rules that she is unbending on but I am better at sidestepping most of them. Gift ideas are a landmine.

I suggest a watch, and I get questions about why in the world do I want a new watch when I have a perfectly good one. (A basic Seiko I bought for myself about 15 years ago.) A camera request garners a similar response. Purses are a no go too. She won't buy perfume. Really the only thing she and my Dad actually want to get me is really nice clothing that they find as super sales at the Saks and Niemens outlets - the problem is that she shops for her tastes and though sometimes similar to mine are not the same. Plus there can be sizing issues and they are always final sale items.

And it's not just gifts for me - she asks what me DS wants but again she is only interested in suggestions she approves of - educational/STEM, non-licensed and non-electronic are better but even then I can get variations on doesn't he have enough whatever and/or well I looked at it online and some of the reviews weren't good, and so on. She just rejected my suggestion of a set of nice wooden blocks because "isn't he too old for that" (he is 5). I suggested just picking out a board game or book or activity/craft/science kit from the list I put on Amazon but that's not enough. As she needs something in the $75 to $100 range because that is what she is spending on each of his cousins.

For some reason my sister doesn't have this problem - she and her DH want some fancy new expresso maker, they get exactly what they want. DN wants a remote control helicopter - so be it.

I should really just ignore her requests for gift ideas but she is persistant and says she still owes me a replacement birthday gift because the super expensive nightgown and robe bought on a just too good sale was two sizes too big (she had me try it on but it really was too big and fit her better so she kept it - which "she feels awful about"). And who knows what she'll come up with for DS. My DH is lucky - he likes the very nice sweaters they always pick out for him on sale.

I've tried to talk to her about this in the past but it ends with me frustrated and in tears and her bewildered and defensive.

Any one have any good gift ideas...

[Anonymous]

"Mom we go through his every year and it is a very stressful and unpleasant exchange for me. Either pick something out on your own or let's forego gifts this year."

She continues.

"Mom, I am not doing this again, as I said. Either No gifts this year or pick something out on your own."

This is not about gifts. You need a backbone

[Anonymous]

Would she give you a gift card? I don't want gifts, truly, I am so tired of the clutter that the best gift you can give me is nothing, since I won't have to put that away. My mom gave me a gift card to a restaurant I like, and it's nice to have a meal or two out that we don't have to pay for.

[Anonymous]

How about just, "Mom, I can't think of a thing I need, but you have such good taste, I'm sure you'll find something great."

If she presses and presses, then you can say, "Mom, to be honest, I'm trying to avoid the recurring dynamic where I tell you what I'd like and you shoot it down. Whatever you get me is fine, and if you want to forego a gift, that's fine, too."

[Anonymous]

You really need to be direct about it, since it appears that she can unbend to other people. She's the type to bulldoze over the weaker members of the family.

"Mom, you seem to have no problem giving Sister's family whatever they want. Why don't you extend the same courtesy to my family? I already gave you our list. Either you buy whatever you like on that list, or you buy whatever you like outside of that list, but then don't pretend to ask my advice. Now, what would YOU like for Christmas?"

[Anonymous]

"Surprise me! Really"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You really need to be direct about it, since it appears that she can unbend to other people. She's the type to bulldoze over the weaker members of the family.

"Mom, you seem to have no problem giving Sister's family whatever they want. Why don't you extend the same courtesy to my family? I already gave you our list. Either you buy whatever you like on that list, or you buy whatever you like outside of that list, but then don't pretend to ask my advice. Now, what would YOU like for Christmas?"

I am well aware that I should talk to her - this has been a life long issue. I'm the older sister child and have always had more attention/pressure from her then my sister. This can be good and it can be bad - my sister and I have discussed it at length many times as we are treated so differently. But I really don't think it is a matter of weakness - I have tried to talk to her about similar issues and she really doesn't "get it."

[Anonymous]

My mom is the same!! She asked what I wanted for my birthday, and I told her I wanted to shop for some new clothes and shoes, so maybe a gift card. She responds like I'm insane, incredulously "what kind of clothes?? Don't you have enough clothes?" (So strange, I rarely buy new clothes ). And then goes on to berate me about how I need more dresses, so she'll take me shopping for a dress. OMG, I'm 40.



She asked what to get my son for xmas, so I emailed her a link to a s $50 bike. Mind you, I always ask what price range she has in mind, and she'll never say. But $50 is a pretty safe bet for them. Her response, "I saw a bike on sale at xyz for way less last week, are you sure he needs a bike?" Then she asked me again what to get him. I told her about a $15 Play doh set he'd like, and she scoffed because she wants to get him something bigger, not just a bunch of little toys "he'll never play with." Ok, the bike? And although it seems so nice that she's offering to buy a nice gift, I don't even want to suggest anything else because I hate the back and forth it generates.

I swear OP, we have the same mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every year around this time my mother very nicely asks for gift ideas, they want to get me something I really want, that's just for me - and then proceeds to put down any suggestions she doesn't approve of. And it's so hard for me to not take her comments personally and get upset. It's irrational, I know, but the woman knows how to push my buttons. She is judgmental about many, many choices - it's like there are a bunch of petty unwritten rules that she is unbending on but I am better at sidestepping most of them. Gift ideas are a landmine.

I suggest a watch, and I get questions about why in the world do I want a new watch when I have a perfectly good one. (A basic Seiko I bought for myself about 15 years ago.) A camera request garners a similar response. Purses are a no go too. She won't buy perfume. Really the only thing she and my Dad actually want to get me is really nice clothing that they find as super sales at the Saks and Niemens outlets - the problem is that she shops for her tastes and though sometimes similar to mine are not the same. Plus there can be sizing issues and they are always final sale items.

And it's not just gifts for me - she asks what me DS wants but again she is only interested in suggestions she approves of - educational/STEM, non-licensed and non-electronic are better but even then I can get variations on doesn't he have enough whatever and/or well I looked at it online and some of the reviews weren't good, and so on. She just rejected my suggestion of a set of nice wooden blocks because "isn't he too old for that" (he is 5). I suggested just picking out a board game or book or activity/craft/science kit from the list I put on Amazon but that's not enough. As she needs something in the $75 to $100 range because that is what she is spending on each of his cousins.

For some reason my sister doesn't have this problem - she and her DH want some fancy new expresso maker, they get exactly what they want. DN wants a remote control helicopter - so be it.

I should really just ignore her requests for gift ideas but she is persistant and says she still owes me a replacement birthday gift because the super expensive nightgown and robe bought on a just too good sale was two sizes too big (she had me try it on but it really was too big and fit her better so she kept it - which "she feels awful about"). And who knows what she'll come up with for DS. My DH is lucky - he likes the very nice sweaters they always pick out for him on sale.

I've tried to talk to her about this in the past but it ends with me frustrated and in tears and her bewildered and defensive.

Any one have any good gift ideas...

Wow .... I didn't know I had a sister! How do we have the same mom?

[Anonymous]

Send one email with an Amazon wish list link and otherwise refuse to discuss.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like my mil. Christmas time was always so stressful with all the back and forth. I learned to say "you always pick out nicer gifts than I could. Anything you get will be great." And also I finally told her on year to stop asking me for gift suggestions for my DH, my sisters, and my parents. My sisters and parents think it's over the top to get them multiple presents every Christmas, bu there is no stopping her.

But then some years, she goes and sends out a mass email complaining how stressful and hard it is shopping for gifts that each person would like, and would everyone please get back to her in a timely manner with gift suggestions, and mentions the people who have already gotten back to her (to guilt us into complying). Those years I send her a short list of ideas - and just deal with the back and forth.

[Anonymous]

Are you the oldest? My mother and I don't have this thing with gifts, but she has always thought of me as an extension of herself in a way that she never thought of my younger sister. She finally has stopped getting me gifts that SHE would like and instead just asks what I want (I usually can't think of anything -- I'm not big on gifts) or gets something she thinks I might like or use. But we went through a period of her just assuming my tastes were like hers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you the oldest? My mother and I don't have this thing with gifts, but she has always thought of me as an extension of herself in a way that she never thought of my younger sister. She finally has stopped getting me gifts that SHE would like and instead just asks what I want (I usually can't think of anything -- I'm not big on gifts) or gets something she thinks I might like or use. But we went through a period of her just assuming my tastes were like hers.

My mother did this a lot too-- buy me the frump-a-dump plain Jane librarian clothing that she thought perfectly suited me (herself) and get my younger sister something much more fashionable. Needless to say, the last piece of clothing she bought me was returned. Hasn't bought me clothing since.

My parents also always ask what to buy our kids but most of the time, each suggestion is met with several questions about whether we need it, whether it will fit... and of course, I send them exactly what we need and what will fit. It's pointless, as if she really doesn't want to take my suggestions at all and is asking me what they need only to sound interested. In the end, I end up buying these things for my kids myself.

[Anonymous]

I have exactly this problem too, OP. Not only for me, but for my children. We all have Amazon Wish Lists so it could not be clearer what we want and how to get it. But my mother comes back for each and every item with a series of questions --

Do you still want that?
Did you see that one reviewer said that it was [not well made, not good, not well-written -- whatever]
Did you see that Consumer Reports said that X was better?
It's been on your Wish List for six months so I wasn't sure you really wanted it, do you really?
That's going to take up a lot of room
Do the kids really need that?

And so on.

It's EXHAUSTING.

I tell her not to use the Wish List -- doesn't matter.
I tell her to buy whatever she wants -- doesn't matter.
I tell her she can use the Wish List, but the items are what we want, we don't care about the reviews, etc. -- doesn't matter.

OP, with people who are anxious and controlling, this is life.

[Anonymous]

Ask for portraits of your favorite presidents, Ulysses S. Grant comes to mind; or another of our founding fathers, Ben Franklin.