Siblings blackmail - what to do
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Anonymous
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It will be long post, I'm sorry for all grammar mistakes and typos, English is not my first language
I have a sister overseas, according to her and doctors - she's sick, bipolar disorder. In my home country mental disorders like that are treated poorly, people labeled "crazy" and discharged by society. I'm not sure that she received medical attention she needs, though she does take medications prescribed when she feels like it. Recently she got divorced and separated from her children, ex takes care of them (always been, as my sister is unreliable), she returned to my mother house to live. She does not work permanently, just odd tasks here in there. My mom pays rent/buys food, sister spend her money on cigarettes/booze/personal grooming etc. Now, in last couple of weeks, my sister borrowed significant amount of money on crazy terms (like 20% APR) for some crazy project. She contacted me and asked to pay down that debt of her. I can afford it, but I don't want to as I told her several times not to do that project, it's waste of time and money, she has no means to ever repay it. I also feel like if I pay it down, she'll continue to borrow to finish that project of her (currently it's like 15% done). I have no intention to support her idea with my money. So, while I was discussing this thing with my husband, my sister complained to my mother that everybody turned her down, don't support her, don't sympathize her, and don't care about poor little sick girls (38 yo). Next day she disappears. Phone, wallet, car key, car, driver license are home. None of the friends she have left heard from her in weeks. She did blackmailed her ex once with suicide, ended up in mental facility for couple weeks. Later she told me she didn't mean it, it was just to prevent ex from divorcing her. Anyway, now I feel awful. I understand that she's sick, and I know she does manipulate people using her mental sickness, but still - what can I do? I hope that she's OK, and it's just a stunt to make us all feel bad, maybe she checked in to rehab (she mentioned that too). Meanwhile, I'm trying to decide what to do here when she shows up finally. Talk to me, please. Thank you! |
Anonymous
| Is she is a country where she can file for bankruptcy? Did she borrow the money from a legit lender or would her life be in danger if she did not pay off the debt? If her life would be in danger, then yes you should help her. If she can file for bankruptcy I'd let her solve her own debt problems herself - otherwise you'll be perpetuating a pattern and she will continue to manipulate her. And I'm sorry for your situation. I have a brother who is an addict and now has a serious medical condition - no insurance, no job and no way to pay for treatment. It's a tough situation when you have a sibling with issues and I can empathize with you. |
Anonymous
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I'd recommend experience professional help for you. You need someone who is experienced in dealing with these kinds of issues who can help you be objective about the best approach. For example, that's why the various addiction treatment program have spouse/family programs as well, because they recognize the toll that these kinds of issues can take on the family.
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Anonymous
No, there is no such think as bankruptcy, but no such thing as collection agencies, credit history etc either She won't be able to borrow more unless she pays, but ho physical harm for not paying either. Worse case scenario - she won't be able to country I think I should add - I offered to pay for her medical treatment, I reimburse my mom for food, utilities, meds my sister needs. I just don't want to finance some crazy projects. |
Anonymous
Thank you, will look for it, not sure where to start though, and what kind of support groups to look Damn, I cannot work today, not knowing where she knowing the history (our dad had same mental illness, and did in fact take his own life when we were little) |
Anonymous
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OP, NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness) might be helpful - there are support groups for families of people with mental illnesses:
https://www.nami.org/Find-Support/Family-Members-and-Caregivers I would also recommend considering other support for you, especially if your dad also died from mental illness by suicide. Your sister has a much greater chance of actually completing suicide if someone in your immediate family died by suicide. From your brief description, it sounds like your sister may also have something like borderline personality in addition to or instead of bipolar illness, but obviously that's not something anyone can diagnose thirdhand over the internet. But it might be something to mention to a counselor or support group. Drawing boundaries with someone with borderline personality can be very, very tricky, but there is support out there. Please take care of yourself. |
Anonymous
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OP- I'm going through a similar issue with a bipolar family member, too. If I don't call him back right away, he threatens suicide and ends up in the hospital. Usually he is calling me about money and related issues. He's in the hospital right now for another cycle of this. It's so hard, but I've found that having clear boundaries about what you are or are not willing to do is so important. From your post, it sounds like you have them and I encourage you to stick to them. Definitely get support- I have a therapist who has helped me through some dark days with my family and it helps a lot. I haven't tried one of the NAMI groups, but have heard good things about them. Ultimately, your sister is going to make her own decisions and you are in no way responsible for them. Take care! |