Husband doesn't listen

[Anonymous]

I am so embarrassed to say this, it is very obvious he's not that into me!
He comes home from work and we discuss our day. He will act like he is truly interested in questions he asks me. It is obvious to me he is distracted and is just going through the motions to be polite. I know he isn't even litening to my answer. Sometimes I will actually stop talking in mid sentence and he doesn't even notice.
It's not like I am rambling on either. I try to keep it short and sweet because I know he is not listening. You know, kinda like what did you have for lunch today? I tell him, he tells me what he had and 20 minutes later he will ask me again.
I don't even want to talk to him! What's the point of wasting my time and his if he doesn't want to hear it! I am so insulted.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible he's under a lot of work stress or something that's distracting him? Is this new behavior of his?

[Anonymous]

It's always been all about him. But seriously he is becoming so much more obvious about it.
When I first started getting frustrated with it, because it was so obvious, I would say- let's talk after we are settled in and having dinner. Guess what? I don't think it would matter if we waited for the cows to come home!

[Anonymous]

SO rude!!!

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. I'm sorry you're experiencing that. It IS super rude.

Two little points I want to make:

1) Your DH may be a selfish guy, but a lot of people really struggle with context switching at the end of the day. I know I do.

2) It actually means a lot that he is trying to be polite and ask you about your day. In fact, that kind of contradicts the selfish hypothesis. A truly selfish man would not make an effort at all (and many don't).

That said, I get how you want this to change.

Here is my suggestion to you:

Walk out of the room when he stops listening. Don't be angry about it. Just go start doing something else.

And I also think you should make an effort to be a bit more surprising and mysterious.

Married domestic life is boring as hell. Can you really blame him that he isn't super interested in what you ate for lunch? Try having something unexpected to discuss. Please don't be insulted by that - it's not personal. Everyone struggles with enjoyable conversation when married (especially with kids).

[Anonymous]

He is tuning you out because you never stop talking. Yap, yap, yap, all the time, why don't you shut the hell up and listen to him for a change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. I'm sorry you're experiencing that. It IS super rude.

Two little points I want to make:

1) Your DH may be a selfish guy, but a lot of people really struggle with context switching at the end of the day. I know I do.

2) It actually means a lot that he is trying to be polite and ask you about your day. In fact, that kind of contradicts the selfish hypothesis. A truly selfish man would not make an effort at all (and many don't).

That said, I get how you want this to change.

Here is my suggestion to you:

Walk out of the room when he stops listening. Don't be angry about it. Just go start doing something else.

And I also think you should make an effort to be a bit more surprising and mysterious.

Married domestic life is boring as hell. Can you really blame him that he isn't super interested in what you ate for lunch? Try having something unexpected to discuss. Please don't be insulted by that - it's not personal. Everyone struggles with enjoyable conversation when married (especially with kids).

I also struggle with tuning into my DW at the end of a long day. She mentioned it to me, how she felt neglected, so now I put down my phone and computer and look at her as she talks. I think the best thing to do is say something and also to pick a time after he has had a chance to unwind a bit, say 30 minutes after kids are asleep.

Also, its cliche, but how is your sex life? Men, on average, feel connected through sex, so if that is lacking, he may feel his own lack of connection.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, were you saying something?

[Anonymous]

He's obviously trying, but men and women are just different in this regard. The LAST thing I want to do when I get home from work is talk about my day. I just want to unwind and have dinner (which I usually cook, BTW) then get the kid off to bed and spend some quality time with the wife. But she wants to talk about her day, so I listen and actually feign interest. Sometimes I actually am interested.

It's a lot like the way many women will have sex with the husband just to make the effort but aren't really interested in having sex at the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's obviously trying, but men and women are just different in this regard. The LAST thing I want to do when I get home from work is talk about my day. I just want to unwind and have dinner (which I usually cook, BTW) then get the kid off to bed and spend some quality time with the wife. But she wants to talk about her day, so I listen and actually feign interest. Sometimes I actually am interested.

It's a lot like the way many women will have sex with the husband just to make the effort but aren't really interested in having sex at the time.

Is this a euphemism for sex? It sounds like you're both just faking it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's obviously trying, but men and women are just different in this regard. The LAST thing I want to do when I get home from work is talk about my day. I just want to unwind and have dinner (which I usually cook, BTW) then get the kid off to bed and spend some quality time with the wife. But she wants to talk about her day, so I listen and actually feign interest. Sometimes I actually am interested.

It's a lot like the way many women will have sex with the husband just to make the effort but aren't really interested in having sex at the time.

Is this a euphemism for sex? It sounds like you're both just faking it.

No. It's time we get to spend together before bed where we just enjoy being with each other. Could be watching TV and cuddling, or she knits and I watch TV or read. Neither is making demands of the other, we just enjoy being together. It's not sex. Sex is sex.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes my husband can't turn off his work brain. The profession he's in is a constant flow of emails, messages, note taking, keeping a mental spreadsheet of who what when where and why sometimes how. I knew this long ago so I get in my 15 mins. of conversation early.

When we're eating I see him drifting off, thinking about work. Every once in a while I'll throw something out like I went to Scandinavia this afternoon and had an affair or I'll tell him I checked the online accounts and spent every penny we had on candy.

HA HA ! He hears only what he wants to hear but I try to make him laugh. I get lots of reading time. I like it.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he has a Y chromosome.

[Anonymous]

12:53. OP here. That is exactly it!

[Anonymous]

I also read a lot too!