Stepparent decision or not...

[Anonymous]

Curious about opinions. Dh thinks it's fine if 16 yo dss has a glass of wine on social occasions when we do. I feel, unlike most parenting decisions, the fact I disagree needs to be considered as I'm still legally supplying alcohol to a minor in my house. Part two would be, if you agree with me, is Dh reasonable in expressing the no as, "I'm fine with it but it's not ok with stepmom." When we disagree on parenting decisions for our DD, the final decision is always presented as a joint one.

This has come up 3 or 4 times now.

[Anonymous]

I think this isn't the hill I'd die on as a stepparent; but I doubt DD really wants the wine that bad. Curious why its so important for him to give it to her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this isn't the hill I'd die on as a stepparent; but I doubt DD really wants the wine that bad. Curious why its so important for him to give it to her?

NP here but a lot of parents feel that treating alcohol like a forbidden fruit fuels binge drinking. There's an argument that teaching kids to drink socially, in small amounts reduces their desire to abuse alcohol in the long run.

[Anonymous]

OP, is the issue for you really one of liability or do you really disagree with his parenting choice here as a matter of principle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this isn't the hill I'd die on as a stepparent; but I doubt DD really wants the wine that bad. Curious why its so important for him to give it to her?

Cultural?

I'm from a Portuguese/ Italian family and this is what we did growing up, maybe it's similar for her husband , and he wants to continue the tradition with his child.

OP, I don't have an issue with a teen having a glass of wine to celebrate a social occasion.
That said if you two decide not in your house then it should be presented as a joint decision, no need to put it all on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this isn't the hill I'd die on as a stepparent; but I doubt DD really wants the wine that bad. Curious why its so important for him to give it to her?

NP here but a lot of parents feel that treating alcohol like a forbidden fruit fuels binge drinking. There's an argument that teaching kids to drink socially, in small amounts reduces their desire to abuse alcohol in the long run.

The research doesn't support this "feeling."

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thank you for the thoughtful responses.

I'll answer some of the questions.

I know it's "common wisdom" that early social drinking takes away the taboo factor, however actual research I've seen shows the opposite, the earlier kids begin drinking, the more likely they are to binge and abuse.

Which leads into another point. It is both a parenting decision and a liability issue. We travelled to Europe last summer, and dss requested and got a glass of wine with pretty much every dinner. Dh knows I didn't agree, but it was totally his call. Now, it's been a few times when we have other adults over, and a glass of wine is served. Especially if they bring their own kids. It makes me really uncomfortable to be one of the adults supplying.

Finally, nope, Dh is from the US. It's not cultural.

Finally, not going to die on the hill. It's just another dinner party tonight and I was debating even discussing it with dh. It's come up the last 3 or 4 times.

[Anonymous]

What does the child's mother think?
Your DH could be opening a can of worms with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this isn't the hill I'd die on as a stepparent; but I doubt DD really wants the wine that bad. Curious why its so important for him to give it to her?

NP here but a lot of parents feel that treating alcohol like a forbidden fruit fuels binge drinking. There's an argument that teaching kids to drink socially, in small amounts reduces their desire to abuse alcohol in the long run.

The research doesn't support this "feeling."

PP here - that doesn't surprise me. My kids are little so I'm not there yet, but the few kids I know who were allowed to drink with their parents from a young age, they appear to be your regular keg-standing frat boys.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on the nature of the liability. For example, in my situation, I live with my BF and he is specifically excluded from my home and umbrella policies per the companies requirements. In this case, I would be on your side.

If it's your house, and he doesn't live there, then I think you're well within your rights to refuse.

If it's a shared home, he should consider your opinion, but ultimately its up to him.

[Anonymous]

I'm Jewish, not religious nor in a religious home but it was very common for kids to sip on wine or try alcohol. Not a glass, more a few sips. I don't have an issue with it at that age because I'd rather them learn moderation and when/how to drink rather than it be restricted and a novelty. It was no big deal. I tasted it a few times when I was young. I very rarely drink. His kid, his choice.

[Anonymous]

I will be ok with my teen having a small glass of wine with dinner. I will talk to her about abusing alcohol and why she shouldnt do it.
She is 3 and has had communion wine in Church.

[Anonymous]

This is above PP ( 20:45), I am from England as a side note, we were always allowed a small glass of Wine or Hard Cider with our Sunday dinner.
I don't binge drink and didn't in my 20's I also never drove drunk, never.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you also have a DD with your husband. If so and you have jointly decided not to serve her alcohol when she is that age (even if this is driven by you) then I think you need to have the same rules for your stepchild. House rules need to apply evenly to all children and you have a say in house rules. You should talk to your husband.

[Anonymous]

I think you should also stop thinking about it in terms of "supplying". In most places it is OK for parents to give their children alcohol even if they are under 21 in their home or during social situations. Restaurants cannot serve anyone under 21 regardless of the parents feelings on the matter.

Obviously, since he's 16, if he will be driving after the meal, he should be permitted ZERO alcohol and I certainly hope your DH is on board with that.