Name my personality flaw

[Anonymous]

Besides apparently having the desire to unload a world of hate unto myself ...

I get intensely frustrated when two loved ones complain endlessly about the same problems (one has been doing so for decades). I have offered concrete solutions that have never been tried. Yet every phone call brings a recitation of the same complaints. Am I a control freak? Lacking empathy? Am I behaving like a man (the old trope about how men won't just listen to your problems but want to fix them which I always sympathized with).

Recently I've been trying to refrain from reacting or offering suggestions other than saying "I'm sorry you are feeling that way." But it is so damn hard for me to do and I end up getting frustrated again.

What is my personality flaw?

[Anonymous]

Patience is not one of your virtues. Simple as that.

[Anonymous]

Normal!

"___, you have complained about this for years. Please, either do something about it or let it go. I won't listen rotor complain about it any more."

I had to tell my parents not to complain about each other to me. Set your boundary--it is a good thing!

[Anonymous]

Self-righteousness.

[Anonymous]

You lack a bit of patience, empathy and kindness. I wouldn't call them flaws. Quite possibly you make up for it by being forthright, a problem-solver and efficient.

[Anonymous]

Stop trying to fix and stick to your "wow, I'm sorry to hear that" line. Change the subject when you can, don't ask follow up questions. Eventually your conversations will be filled with something else.

I have a friend like this. She knows what she needs to do and doesn't want to do it. I don't talk about the sensitive subject with her anymore. If she brings it up, I listen and I do NOT offer advice unless she's asks for it. Even then, I keep it short and move along.

It was hard because I love her and I think she's been neglecting herself for way too long. She needs therapy, which is where our convos always went, me telling her to talk to a therapist and her agreeing and then never EVER making an appt. It was endlessly frustrating and has also been going on for about 10 years. But I just had to disengage on the issue and put some space there. I can not force her into therapy. It's her life. If she wants to ignore this stuff and slog through, that's her choice. She's wonderful in many other ways, I concentrate on those things.

[Anonymous]

Well I just stop calling OP. So I'm betting I'm more of a dick than you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You lack a bit of patience, empathy and kindness. I wouldn't call them flaws. Quite possibly you make up for it by being forthright, a problem-solver and efficient.

+1

Sometimes people just want to vent/be heard because they are frustrated. They don't actually need you to find a solution for them. Disappointments and frustrations happen, they don't always need to be "fixed."

[Anonymous]

Are you like this with many people in your life? Or just these two people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You lack a bit of patience, empathy and kindness. I wouldn't call them flaws. Quite possibly you make up for it by being forthright, a problem-solver and efficient.

+1

Sometimes people just want to vent/be heard because they are frustrated. They don't actually need you to find a solution for them. Disappointments and frustrations happen, they don't always need to be "fixed."

NP, and woman here, but always getting disappointed over the same thing every single time is really annoying. My parents have been married 50 years and they both still start conversations with me, "well you know your dad or your mom did....." the same thing they have been doing for 50 years! My response is, "I've only known him/her for 30 years and I could have told you that." Deal with it, change it, or shut up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You lack a bit of patience, empathy and kindness. I wouldn't call them flaws. Quite possibly you make up for it by being forthright, a problem-solver and efficient.

I like you!

[Anonymous]

Jayden if it's a boy. Alice if it's a girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jayden if it's a boy. Alice if it's a girl.

Ha!!!!

[Anonymous]

It's a game and you need to stop playing it, as you have already figured out. You are on the right track with saying "I'm sorry you are feeling that way" and ending it. Your trigger is that you are a problem-solver, so you want to help. But your advice will never be taken - that's not the object of the game.

I also had two people in my life who did this to me. One was a toxic friend with whom I'm no longer friends and the other was my mom. With my mom, she would really dig in and it frustrated her to no end when I wouldn't play it with her. I responded with "I'll be interested to hear how you resolve that" or "Hmmm" then changed the subject. She hardly ever tries to engage me like that anymore.

Both players are getting something out of the game - in the description below, the initiator wants sympathy. In my mom's case, it's her way of putting me down, my solutions are never, ever good enough and she can't wait to tell me how and why.

If you google "Why don't you - yes, but" or Eric Berne you will get a lot of information. There's also a really good YouTube video that shows how the game goes.


'Why don't you – yes but'

This game begins when a person states a problem in their life, and another responds by offering constructive suggestions on how to solve it. The subject says 'yes, but...' and proceeds to find issue with the solutions. In adult mode she would examine and probably take on board a solution (an Adult stance), but this is not the purpose of the exchange. Its purpose is to allow the subject to gain sympathy from others in her inadequacy to meet the situation (Child mode). The problem-solvers, in turn, get the opportunity to play wise Parent.

[Anonymous]

Their faults are many, you have but two--everything you say and everything you do.