my grandfather is dying

[Anonymous]

He's had a long life and is in decline- cancer but he's fighting it (at least for now). My mom has been living out there on the West Coast.

I feel like I will regret saying goodbye but am not sure how to do so. He's a gruff guy overall; I love him but don't really have that many more words for him. I was scared of him when he was younger but he's softened up a bit. He gets that he's dying but is also in somewhat of denial. I also feel like he might feel depressed at the idea of someone saying 'goodbye.'

Ideas?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's had a long life and is in decline- cancer but he's fighting it (at least for now). My mom has been living out there on the West Coast.

I feel like I will regret saying goodbye but am not sure how to do so. He's a gruff guy overall; I love him but don't really have that many more words for him. I was scared of him when he was younger but he's softened up a bit. He gets that he's dying but is also in somewhat of denial. I also feel like he might feel depressed at the idea of someone saying 'goodbye.'

Ideas?

the bolded stands out to me. if you think he will feel this way, then do not say goodbye. call him, see him, talk to him because he is still here. let him lead you into saying goodbye or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's had a long life and is in decline- cancer but he's fighting it (at least for now). My mom has been living out there on the West Coast.

I feel like I will regret saying goodbye but am not sure how to do so. He's a gruff guy overall; I love him but don't really have that many more words for him. I was scared of him when he was younger but he's softened up a bit. He gets that he's dying but is also in somewhat of denial. I also feel like he might feel depressed at the idea of someone saying 'goodbye.'

Ideas?

the bolded stands out to me. if you think he will feel this way, then do not say goodbye. call him, see him, talk to him because he is still here. let him lead you into saying goodbye or not.

also, i meant to say that i am sorry.

[Anonymous]

Tell him you love him. Remember great times you had with him. Tell him what your kids are up to. There are lots of ways you can spend time with him without saying "goodbye."

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PP. I recently lost my father and never really said 'goodbye' as his death was sudden. But I did visit him twice in the month before he died and I have to make peace with myself that those visits were our goodbyes.

[Anonymous]

Yea you don't necessarily have to say "good-bye" or any variation of it. I would just be there in the room with him and let whatever emotions surface dictate what happens next or what you say. I'm sure he will be glad you came regardless of what is said. He knows he is dying, even if he is in denial. Do you have any good memories with him? Maybe just reminisce about those with him, and see where it goes

[Anonymous]

When my grandpa died, all of us grandchildren wrote letters to him telling him about our favorite memories of him. I was taking care of him at the time and I watched him read the letters with tears in his eyes.

I come from a large family. Some grandchildren didn't visit after hospice was called (grandpa wasn't really awake anymore either) and some visited every day to read and play him music. Some people just didn't want to remember him that way and it was okay. We all have different ways we grieve and experience someone's last moments. For me, I liked being there his last 2 weeks.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the replies and sympathy.
I think it's a really good point that I don't have to make a goodbye official. It can be a goodbye in my head even if it's not a goodbye in his. Since the trip will be a fairly major endeavor and I have a newborn especially I've been hesitating.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm very sorry. It's so sad for a grandparent to come to the end just as you experience the joy of a newborn. The circle of life. Write to him, call him and attend the funeral. Maybe even mail some photos - both recent and vintage - of yourself and especially the baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the replies and sympathy.
I think it's a really good point that I don't have to make a goodbye official. It can be a goodbye in my head even if it's not a goodbye in his. Since the trip will be a fairly major endeavor and I have a newborn especially I've been hesitating.

Even for yourself, don't think of it so much as a goodbye, but as a way to save her the last moments that you have with him. And since you will bring your newborn, this is a wonderful way to focus the visit. You can focus on how fun it will be to show him the newborn, even if, let's face it, newborns need some work. But they are not as much trouble a if, let's face it, newborns need some work. But the baby will sleep a lot, leaving you time to sit quietly with him the rest of the time. As I experienced from when my father passed on, it's great just to be there, to show up and say hi I came to see you because I love you and wanted to spend time with you.

[Anonymous]

Pp above , mean savor not save her
And that newborns are not as much work as older babies or toddlers

[Anonymous]

Go on this trip and talk about funny things and talk about his past and what life was like when he was your age. Ask him advice on parenting. If he is up to it do a video with your newborn..get all this stuff down. Get that picture of him holding your newborn..this will mean everything to to her/him years on from now. I didn't take my kids up to see grandpop and missed that opportunity. I regret that. I regret that a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm very sorry. It's so sad for a grandparent to come to the end just as you experience the joy of a newborn. The circle of life. Write to him, call him and attend the funeral. Maybe even mail some photos - both recent and vintage - of yourself and especially the baby.

It's not sad in the slightest. My parents didn't even get to see my newborn. To have your grandparents around until you have kids--that's like winning the lottery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm very sorry. It's so sad for a grandparent to come to the end just as you experience the joy of a newborn. The circle of life. Write to him, call him and attend the funeral. Maybe even mail some photos - both recent and vintage - of yourself and especially the baby.

It's not sad in the slightest. My parents didn't even get to see my newborn. To have your grandparents around until you have kids--that's like winning the lottery.

It's aways sad when a relative passes. Parents passing may be sadder, but to say it's not sad in the slightest is a bit insensitive.

[Anonymous]

Always*