How do I tell my dad to stfu nicely?

[Anonymous]

One of my greatest regrets will be not trying harder with my dad. I know this. He would do anything for me. But he's a very irritating person. I love him but I don't like him or really respect him. He has a short temper, he's lazy, selfish, not pleasant to my mom, a total slob. And worst, he's a drunk. So I'm visiting home and we are watching tv and he's starting his drinking, which makes him realllly annoying. He's commenting on every aspect of the show "ohh he's angry Larla! Do you see that Larla?" Like every scene of the TV show. And then he pokes me in the shoulder. Finally I snapped "yes I saw it". Then he's totally wounded ad says "why are you so hostile to me? I'm just trying to talk to you and make conversation." I apologized, but what's a better way to handle this? When he's drinking, I've started just going to bed, but it means going to bed at like eight pm. And he's annoying when he's sober too, just 20 times more annoying when drinking.

[Anonymous]

If you're in his home, and the drinking doesn't seem dangerous, just go to bed. Or maybe have a magazine and don't be "invested" in the show. He probably doesn't really know how to connect.

[Anonymous]

I understand.

M mother loves me *in her own way* but has serious issues and contantly irritates me. I can only see her once a year for two weeks max.

I will regret her when she's gone, that's for sure. But her problems are not mine - there is only so much I can do in this relationship.

So my advice is to work on your feelings of guilt - you shouldn't have them! You are already doing the best you can.

[Anonymous]

If it is his home you will not tell him to STFU, even nicely. Continue to go to bed early. Don't visit as often. It's his house. Leave if you don't like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it is his home you will not tell him to STFU, even nicely. Continue to go to bed early. Don't visit as often. It's his house. Leave if you don't like it.

Dad?

[Anonymous]

One way to address it may be to change your perspective when you visit. You know what is going to happen, expect it, take a deep breath and converse calmly no matter what. Go to bed if that is easier, bring a good book.

Does he do this when you go out to a movie? Try a change of venue. Where is your mom? Can you hang out with her and talk and leave him to his show?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of my greatest regrets will be not trying harder with my dad. I know this. He would do anything for me. But he's a very irritating person. I love him but I don't like him or really respect him. He has a short temper, he's lazy, selfish, not pleasant to my mom, a total slob. And worst, he's a drunk. So I'm visiting home and we are watching tv and he's starting his drinking, which makes him realllly annoying. He's commenting on every aspect of the show "ohh he's angry Larla! Do you see that Larla?" Like every scene of the TV show. And then he pokes me in the shoulder. Finally I snapped "yes I saw it". Then he's totally wounded ad says "why are you so hostile to me? I'm just trying to talk to you and make conversation." I apologized, but what's a better way to handle this? When he's drinking, I've started just going to bed, but it means going to bed at like eight pm. And he's annoying when he's sober too, just 20 times more annoying when drinking.

Maybe it won't be. Maybe you are trying your hardest and this is as good as you both can do.

[Anonymous]

My mom is usually there as well, it's kind of a bonding thing, we all sit and watch silly TV shows together. I think maybe I can try harder to connect and be nice during non boozing hours. Perhaps this is the appropriate compromise-he's a manageable person when sober and I can do better at that time. During boozing hours I like the pp rec that I just manage my expectations better. My mom btw goes to her country of origin 4x per year. That's when she gets her down time/escape time. Yes we have issues. I know.

[Anonymous]

I used to just tell my dad what I thought of his behavior but he didn't seem to mind. He would complain right back.

My therapist tells me to use "I statements." I think I would say, "I feel uncomfortable when you are drinking." There is nothing wrong with saying that. You could also say how you feel about other things he does without accusing him of anything. "I just prefer not to talk while I am watching TV" or something like that. If you can say things to him about how he can do better, then maybe you can spend more time with him.

[Anonymous]

Just go hang out with your mom in the kitchen. Look through old photo books, ask her to tell you about her jewelry, whatever.

Or just say to your dad, "When I watch tv, I like to do it quietly and only talk in the commercials."

But honestly, I would not stay at the home of an active alcoholic.

[Anonymous]

Irritation normally bubbles up more quickly when you are expecting the other person to act differently than they are. I find once I just embrace that someone will be super annoying, they usually annoy me less. Yes, he will still probably grind your nerves, but hopefully not to the point that you are snapping at him.

If you can, get out of the house together during the day so you feel like you got in some good quality time. Then set a time limit for the tv watching and just grin and bear it for 30 mins or whatever. As soon as your dad has the drink you know will push him over, excuse yourself and go to bed. If asked why, you can explain why, but if no one asks I'd just keep to yourself. Bring an ipad and watch TV in bed or read.

It's hard when our parents aren't who we want them to be. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

If my kid felt this way about me, I wish he/she would just tell me.
He probably does not realise how annoying he is.