I don't believe his apologies
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Anonymous
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I have this strange problem where I don't always believe my husband's apologies. There are three instances in my recent memory where I believe he genuinely apologized for hurting my feelings. Both times he genuinely felt bad and I could sense it.
Other times, I explain what he did/said hurt me and he offers me a short, "I'm sorry." I don't buy it because I can just tell he does not feel regret for upsetting me or hurting my feelings. We then get into a fight because he says I am very difficult to apologize to since I do not forgive him. I feel like if there isn't a sincere apology, what do I have to forgive? How do you differentiate between a sincere apology and just a verbal one? |
Anonymous
| Couples therapy. Seriously. |
Anonymous
It sounds to me like you are forcing him to apologize when he believes he has done nothing wrong. Not surprising it would be obvious when that happens. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
How often are your feelings hurt? Ignoring the discrepancy in first paragraph of 3 vs 2 instances in recent memory, there are also the 'other times'. I can't tell whether you are too easily offended or whether he's a jerk. But apologies about serious issues just shouldn't be that frequent in a marriage because you shouldn't need them that much. |
Anonymous
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Insincere apologies indicate to me that you are looking to put a bandaid on something that requires more attention. When he upsets you, how is that happening? Is he saying things that hurt your feelings (mean words)? Is he saying things in a way that hurt your feelings (tone)? Is he doing things that hurt your feelings (behavior)?
Instead of requiring an apology, perhaps you could try working on communicating how you'd prefer him to speak or behave. "Don't call me a nag, it hurts my feelings" is an acceptable thing to say. "Don't tell me you'll be home at 6 and then get home at 8" is an acceptable thing to say. On the other hand, consider that he knows that you would value an apology, and is apologizing even when he's not sorry. So on some level, he's trying to make amends with you. |
Anonymous
| How often are these events happening where he's hurting your feelings and then apologizing later (sincere or not)? It sounds like this is happening regularly, but I can't tell why. On the one hand, if he's frequently doing things that hurt your feelings (such as name calling when you're having a disagreement), it's no wonder you don't believe his apologies. Part of being sorry about it is the implicit promise to try not to do it again, and if he's not trying, it's hard to take his apologies as sincere. On the other hand, if you tend to take everything as a slight, whether it actually was or not, and then demand apologies afterward, I could see him getting tired of that and his apologies not seeming sincere because they're not -- he's not really doing anything wrong and he knows it, but is saying he's sorry just to pacify you. From you post, there's really no way of knowing which of these is going on, so I'm going to suggest marriage counseling so a third party can hear the details of this incident and see how you two relate to each other to sort it out. |
Anonymous
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How many times a week are your feelings hurt? Maybe you are too sensitive and he's tired of tiptoeing.
You have to let your husband be honest with you. You can't make him afraid to say stuff if you are going to insist your feelings were hurt and demand a heartfelt apology. For example, my husband admitted to me last week he never really liked my first name. I laughed and said, "sucks for you." |
Anonymous
Just out of curiosity, why would that hurt your feelings? You didn't even pick it. Plus, liking or not liking a name is so individual. It's a good thing you laughed it off. If this is an example of how OP is getting her feelings hurt, then she's the problem. I can see him now "I'm sorry I don't like your name" and her saying that doesn't sound sincere. |
Anonymous
And in contrast, presumably, OP, all of your apologies to your husband are completely heart felt and sincere--except that, wait a minute, you're always right and he's always wrong, so you never have to apologize to him. |
Anonymous
| We need more info about his transgressions. |
Anonymous
| Behavior is much more important than apologies. The threat of hurt feelings can be used as manipulation. Some people expect too many apologies, they expect too much from others. In a lot of ways whether your feelings are hurt or not is in your power, you can control this. |
Anonymous
Omg that made me laugh!!! I'll be the calls you "honey" or something. Too funny! |
Anonymous
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It all depends on his manner of articulation when apologizing. As well as the tone of his voice when he tells you he is sorry.
Go with your gut on this OP. Too bad there is not an apology detector, like there is one for lying. So you have to rely on intuition alone. Trust it, it is rarely if ever wrong. |
Anonymous
| Read the book, The Five Languages of Apology |