Flunking out of 9th grade

[Anonymous]

Any BTDT experience?

My son is in the 9th grade at a truly rigorous private. (Not DC though). He loves the school, maybe partly based on its great reputation. He spent 3 years in middle school there, starting as a good student who needed some polishing, and slowly performing worse until now, in high school, the wheels have truly come off the cart.

He spends very little time on his work, despite tutors. He never invites anyone over, from school or not. He loves getting invited out, but that rarely happens. He is a pretty strong participant in an inter-scholastic sport at his school and seems to enjoy the sport, the coach, and the team. However, we have failed to get through to him. Really, we have tried and his teachers have tried. He does not seem to value what he has enough to really try to improve his performance.

Suggestions, experiences, etc.? I can well accept that this may wind up being a good thing for him-- flunking out, seeing what he has done and where it has gotten him. We will miss the private school but maybe it was not the right fit. His teachers and tutors have said he is plenty smart, but he is consistently unprepared for class. He also lies, even to himself. And he's defiant. He has no screen during the week and has chores and so forth. He has no screen PERIOD for the immediate future.

FWIW, we have another younger child who is not having any of his difficulties. (I'm sure his problems are partly a reaction to my parenting?!? But see, I can also parent successfully).

[Anonymous]

Why is he still allowed to be on team sports if his grades are no good?

Also, you don't really say what's going on. Is he actually failing all his classes? Have they said they will kick him out? It's only two months into school.

[Anonymous]

Does he want to do well and he just can't get it together or does he not care?

Many kids have trouble with executive function but smart kids especially can compensate until it gets too difficult. For some kids, that happens in middle school; for other kids, not until high school. Depression and/or anxiety also can play a role. I would suggest discussing the issues with a psychologist who can advise you on whether further testing would be helpful.

[Anonymous]

He sounds possibly depressed and, at least, very stressed. Have you thought about finding him a therapist to talk with? Don't let him drown. Get him some outside support.

[Anonymous]

I would worry about his behavior and emotions before I'd worry about his academic performance. He sounds isolated and rather sad.

Find him a kind therapist, or seek a family therapist, and work together to decide about the school after everyone has a better sense of how he's feeling and how to help.

[Anonymous]

Could it be inattentive ADHD?

[Anonymous]

His school literally does not include a certain GPA requirement for sports. I may ask his coach to talk to him. He likes his coach and so do we.

Drowning is a good word to use-- I think that may be it. I am looking into a therapist. Thank you, all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His school literally does not include a certain GPA requirement for sports. I may ask his coach to talk to him. He likes his coach and so do we.

Drowning is a good word to use-- I think that may be it. I am looking into a therapist. Thank you, all.

It may not be a requirement for the school, but maybe it should be to you, as the parent? I would think not flunking out should be more important than sports, IMO. Maybe if you told your DS that he has to have a minimum GPA to play, he'd be more inclined to study? Right now, he doesn't think it's important.

[Anonymous]

College isn't for everyone. If more affluent parents would be willing to accept this basic truth, and not be so desperate to make their kids into mini versions of themselves, they could save everyone a lifetime of anguish.

[Anonymous]

A therapist sounds like a good idea. When I started falling apart in high school, it was my grades that went first. I even started deliberately putting the wrong answers down on tests. It took my parents awhile to see how desperate I was because I wasn't able to communicate that to them. A therapist helped a lot.

[Anonymous]

1. Test for hidden LD's if you haven't already. Also rule out depression, drug and alcohol use.

2. Sit down and do career day and a simple budget with him showing what life will be like when he is on his own. What job? How many hours? What is the actual range of pay for such a job? Use real data he can find on line. Then figure out taxes, where he can afford to live, food, utilities, clothing, etc. Sometimes they have too see real data to understand that they are now stepping on the path to their future. Failing out of high school has significant financial and life style consequences down the road. Actually starting backwards can be an interesting way to look at it too. Where do you want to live? What does it cost to live there and figure out what annual salary is needed to start out on a life in that location. Then do the job options available to a high school drop out and see if he can make it add up to enough to live where he says he wants to live.

3. Once he settles on a realistic career goal (not that he has to stick to that one, of course), then he might listen when you talk about what he will actually have to do in the next four years to make that career a possibility for himself.

There are many paths to success, but helps to understand that you are on a path.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

^^ but don't do 2 and 3 if the real problem turns out to be in #1. Do #1 first!

[Anonymous]

The value in sports, for us, is it keeps him from being 100% isolated. It is his only regular peer interaction. And we hoped that learning to try hard in the sport would be widely applicable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Test for hidden LD's if you haven't already. Also rule out depression, drug and alcohol use.

2. Sit down and do career day and a simple budget with him showing what life will be like when he is on his own. What job? How many hours? What is the actual range of pay for such a job? Use real data he can find on line. Then figure out taxes, where he can afford to live, food, utilities, clothing, etc. Sometimes they have too see real data to understand that they are now stepping on the path to their future. Failing out of high school has significant financial and life style consequences down the road. Actually starting backwards can be an interesting way to look at it too. Where do you want to live? What does it cost to live there and figure out what annual salary is needed to start out on a life in that location. Then do the job options available to a high school drop out and see if he can make it add up to enough to live where he says he wants to live.

3. Once he settles on a realistic career goal (not that he has to stick to that one, of course), then he might listen when you talk about what he will actually have to do in the next four years to make that career a possibility for himself.

There are many paths to success, but helps to understand that you are on a path.

Good luck.

Flip the priorities on this one. Jeez. Explaining to a 14-year-old that OMG MAYBE HE WON'T BE ABLE TO BUY IN COOL TOWN X is not going to have much, if any, impact.

Achievement is not the basic problem here. It's the kid's behavior and apparent depression, probably combined with a parental and peer culture (as exemplified in the quote post), that are driving that problem.

[Anonymous]

Does he have college in mind, and does he have a preference? For us, our DS has a very definite college he would like to attend, which would be impossible to get into without excellent grades. For now, that seems to be driving him.