Death in the family

[Anonymous]

My FIL is dying. He's been in decline all summer. The end is close and DH is there for a week straight now, possibly to be extended. They live about an hour flight away (6 hr drive or so). I'm just back from taking our two children to visit for the weekend and it is just so, so hard and sad. MIL trying to make the best of it and talking cheerily about FIL coming home (in-home hospice). DH trying so hard to be supportive but hating every minute of his long days in the nursing home visiting his dad. DD, 3, weeping for daddy when we have to leave and he stays, and both of them so tired they can barely keep their eyes open (naps are in short supply when we're gone, and what can I say? it really might be the last time they see him). And none of the truly hard part as hit yet. It's just so hard on everyone.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP. Take gentle care of yourself and your family. Times like these are so difficult, and hopefully few and far between.

[Anonymous]

I think it will be hardest on your MIL, not only is she losing her husband, but if she truly thinks he's coming home from hospice. Such a hard time all the way around though.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. (BTDT with my MIL.)

[Anonymous]

OP, when my father died I also assumed that "the hardest part" hadn't come yet when he was dying, in the hospital and at home, but I was wrong. I found that I had done the most intense grieving as he was dying, not after he died. The same with my mother. Nothing that came after could match the intense pain of watching her die.

Just a note that you all may be weathering the worst of it now.

I'm so sorry you all are going through this.

[Anonymous]

It actually might be easier once he does. Grieving has already started and there will be a sense of relief once he's dead. Then a sense of guilt for feeling relief.

[Anonymous]

I'm in a similar boat, except FIL has been in decline over past 6mo. It's hard to watch the whole family in denial when the writing's on the wall. Oh well, we all grief differently.

Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Having shared a happy moment with my father during his final decline made all the hard stuff later easier to handle.

Now matters. Later is just the clean up. Funeral arrangements and probate, don't get me started.

Do what you can to make now easier on yourselves, co-sleep with DD, feed MIL, post a beautiful photo and DD's artwork in FIL's room, bake something for the hospice staff, grab an old photo album and ask FIL to share family stories.

Get enough sleep and help DH wherever you can.

Best to all of you. Nothing about this is easy and it was shocking to me how little attention society pays to this situation, one we all encounter.

[Anonymous]

Having shared a happy moment with my father during his final decline made all the hard stuff later easier to handle.

Same here for me with my mother. Also, my mother's hospice was able to arrange for her to be at home, which was something she strongly desired. She was able to die in the place she loved, with lots of support from the very wonderful hospice people.

I'm sorry for what your family is going through now, OP. Wishing you all comfort and strength during this time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Having shared a happy moment with my father during his final decline made all the hard stuff later easier to handle.

Now matters. Later is just the clean up. Funeral arrangements and probate, don't get me started.

Do what you can to make now easier on yourselves, co-sleep with DD, feed MIL, post a beautiful photo and DD's artwork in FIL's room, bake something for the hospice staff, grab an old photo album and ask FIL to share family stories.

Get enough sleep and help DH wherever you can.

Best to all of you. Nothing about this is easy and it was shocking to me how little attention society pays to this situation, one we all encounter.

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