Relational Aggression?

[Anonymous]

Need opinions/advice please.

We are an expat family currently living in Europe. Two years ago we enrolled our 4 year-old daughter in the village daycare centre. The first few months were difficult, as my daughter has a speech delay and showed signs of ADHD. But, for the most part things went well, and she made a lot of new friends. Towards the the end of the first year of daycare, my daughter's doctor recommended placing her in a new daycare centre that had an integrated daycare group (4 special needs kids and 11 without special needs). The group would consist of two special education teachers and a daycare assistant. I thought this would be a great opportunity for my daughter to improve her speech, hyperactivity, impulsiveness, and socialisation. So, at age five we enrolled her in the integrated group, and were ready to see all the positive changes. But, alas there were none. My daughter went from having many friends at her other centre (being quite popular), to being socially isolated by her classmates in the integrated group. I spoke with the teacher multiple times about my concerns, and was told that everyday she encourages the kids to play with different classmates. The teacher also mentioned that my daughter is not fluent enough in the local language to communicate with the other kids. True, my daughter is not at native fluency, but she is able to communicate with her peers, and they do understand her. It was also reconfirmed by my daughter's speech therapist, that the language is not the problem.

So, the first year in the integrated group ended with my daughter having no friends in her daycare group (with the exception of the daycare assistant that really looked out for her); however, she does have a group of friends from other daycare groups that she plays with during recess. At the end of the year, we met with a new doctor (same office). He recommended that our daughter's last year of daycare should be in the 6 year-old/preschool group (school doesn't start until 7 here). (The first year in the integrated group was tough for my daughter, but I still felt the integrated group was the best fit for her, as there are less students, a more experienced staff, and the daycare assistant whom my daughter adores).

It has now been about two months since my daughter has started her second year of the integrated group. The exclusion has gotten worse. She has become more stressed, and feels very self conscience. She still has no friends in the group, so she has started taking a doll to school to pretend it's her friend. Also, the daycare assistant was moved to another group. And, the teachers have been very standoffish. Fast forward to this week. I've been more observant when dropping off/picking up my daughter at daycare, and asking her more specific questions about her day. A few days a week I drop her off at breakfast time. Last week I asked her who she sat with during breakfast, and she responded, "alone." She said all the other kids sit at two other tables. I wanted to observe the breakfast situation myself. The perfect opportunity presented itself when my daughter and another child arrived at the same time for breakfast. This particular morning all the kids were crammed at one table, with one vacant chair left. I surely thought that my child and the other child would be seated together at a different table, but no. The teacher directed the other child to go to the vacant seat, and my daughter was left to sit alone at another table, again. My daughter has been excluded so much that she thinks it's okay that no one sits with her or that she has no friends in the group. But, to see a teacher actively participate in the exclusion breaks my heart. And, is not okay. I put a call in to the director of the daycare to see what other options are available for my daughter.

Sorry this post is all over the place, but am I overreacting or is my child experiencing relational aggression?

[Anonymous]

I'm not familiar with relational aggression, but it seems that your daughter is missing out on one of the most important parts of preschool, which is learning to interact with her peers. I would think a special ed teacher would be encouraging kids to interact, and helping them build social skills. It's good that you're looking into other options. I hope that you find a classroom that's a good fit.

[Anonymous]

Why didn't you just move her back to her first daycare, where she was doing well? Can you do that now?

Is it possible to put her in an American-lanuauge preschool? If she's already speech delayed in her native language, and suffering from at least one social/learning challenge, it seems too much to ask that she also learn a new language now. I know we all want bilingual kids and that's one of the perks of living overseas, but it sounds like she has too many challenges already. I would place in her in the daycare where she flourishes most, doctors and blinguality and integrated groups be damned. Good luck. Poor thing.