Being supportive to friend TTC

[Anonymous]

I apologize if this has been covered - did a search & didn't find anything.

One of our closest couple friends has been TTC for a number of months. She's starting to get quite anxious about their lack of success. We'd hoped to be pregnant at the same time, but my husband and I got lucky - we were able to conceive pretty quickly.

We want to be as supportive as we possibly can. Each month, she's been sharing her frustration and disappointment when she doesn't get pregnant. Other than listen and continue to do shared activities like we always have, what can we do to be supportive?

[Anonymous]

Listen, listen and listen some more. In fact, I appreciated it when friends asked me how things were going re. TTC whille saying it in the context that "they were thinking of me a lot and recognize that I might not feel up to sharing".

It goes without saying---don't offer any suggestions about relaxing, God's will, or really anything related to how to better TTC.
Feel free to update her on your pregnancy (don't feel like you have to be mum about the entire thing as this is just as awkward as talking about it constantly would be) but try your very best not to complain about the pains/discomforts of pregnancy around her.

[Anonymous]

As someone who has been TTC for over two years----and has gone through IUIs, surgery, a failed IVF, and many diagnostics---the article below is one of the best I've seen in terms of explaining to friends and family what infertility feels like. It's full of helpful suggestions for what to say and not say to your friend (except for the one about Mother's Day, which I just found strange.)

http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=lrn_ffaf_ie

[Anonymous]

Also, don't be surprised or take personally if your friend distances herself from you at times or for awhile. Sometimes there are days when it is just hard to be around pregnant women or those who conceive easily when one has infertility.

[Anonymous]

OP here - many thanks.

[Anonymous]

This is an older thread but my question is similar. My best friend lives far away. We both have one child and have been wanting another. She is older than I am and has been trying for a while. I just told her on the phone that I am pregnant. She was very nice but I could tell it upset her, which I understand. I don't think she wants me to question how it is going month to month. And we don't see each other face to face very often. Should I just not ask her questions and talk about the pregnancy rarely? I don't want this to come between us.

[Anonymous]

"Should I just not ask her questions and talk about the pregnancy rarely?"

I'm in the exact same situation except I am the one who can't get pregnant again. I think you need to tread carefully, let her ask questions about the pregnancy but don't volunteer. Don't send photos of your belly unless she asks. She knows you're pregnant and cares about how you're doing, but she might not be in a place where she can hear about it. Personally, my emotions were so raw that I just couldn't talk on the phone because I was afraid that I would just start crying at any time. Be sensitive about the birth announcements - maybe you want to send her a email without a photo, to let her know of the birth but not stick her nose in it. Also, ask her what she wants to know or whether she wants a birth announcement sent to her, etc. - in an email so she can think about and not start crying on the phone with you.

It won't come between you as long as you are sensitive to the pain and disappointment that she is feeling. Make sure you tell her that you're sorry - I can't tell you how many of my friends have never said that to me, and how grateful I am when someone does because it makes it feel like they understand a little about how painful and difficult this is for me.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you're already doing all the right things. You're sensitive to the issue and supportive. It's a tough balance to strike. I was TTC for 3 years and it took a lot of diagnostics, 2 IVF cycles, and a high risk pregnancy with a lot of scares to have a healthy baby finally. Meanwhile, a close friend has also spent a couple of years TTC (though she has only recently gone to specialists). During my pregnancy and now with an infant, I have tried to be very sensitive and not share a lot of details unless she asks. I don't send unsolicited stories or photos. At the same time, I know from my own experience that while it's very a difficult and sensitive time when TTC and it did hurt to hear of/see others preg or with babies, someone else having a baby didn't take one away from me and I was happy for other people.

It's a hard balance b/c if you don't share any info about your pregnancy or baby your friend may be hurt because she's being isolated from an important part of your life. I guess let her take the lead and just see how much info she wants. Personally, I disagree with PP who recommended not including a picture with the birth announcement. While I wouldn't send unsolicited online albums or pictures or stories, I think omitting a picture with a birth announcement is overly cautious. You can't walk on eggshells. You can be sensitive, aware, and supportive.