How to cope when your entire family has ADHD

[Anonymous]

8:42 here and one other thing I wanted to say:
For activities have a “bag” for everything and get extras of things used for multiple activities.
For my current charges, we go to swim lessons, soccer and the library weekly, so I have a library bag with the library car fob attached to the strap and the library books live in there any time we aren’t actively reading them.

The soccer bag has cleats, socks, shinguards, soccer ball, and when I refill the snack cabinet each Monday I throw in snacks and a filled water bottle.

The swim bag has towels, suits, goggles, pool toys, snacks, water bottles, shampoo, change of clothes and pool shoes. When we get home from the pool I replace the suits and towels with clean ones immediately and wash the wet stuff.

This helps to keep the items for specific activities together and ready to use.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kind of OT but for those with ADHD, what does it feel like? I am curious because like some of the posters, I am extremely organized, write everything down, etc, have very strong systems and executive functions - but I taught myself to do this in 7th grade after missing a bunch of assignments and forgetting my sports bag, or forgetting to call my mom to tell her I'd arrive somewhere, etc - like many kids do. It has never crossed my mind that I might have ADHD, yet everything being described in this thread is basically my life. I wouldn't be able to function without lists and places to put things. Every successful person I know does these things. I thought it was normal. How would anyone ever remember their schedule, and their spouse's, and their kids', and their parents', plus all the to-do lists for life, without lists? That's why there are calendar planners etc. Like I literally put a calendar reminder for December 1 every year to start doing camp planning with a spreadsheet. And then I forget about it because it's not relevant any more until the reminder pops up, and then I do it.

Are you all saying that the majority of the world who don't have ADHD just remembers all the minutiae of life without memory aids and systems?

It is normal. But having ADHD makes it hard to focus long enough to create such systems, and to remember to use them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kind of OT but for those with ADHD, what does it feel like? I am curious because like some of the posters, I am extremely organized, write everything down, etc, have very strong systems and executive functions - but I taught myself to do this in 7th grade after missing a bunch of assignments and forgetting my sports bag, or forgetting to call my mom to tell her I'd arrive somewhere, etc - like many kids do. It has never crossed my mind that I might have ADHD, yet everything being described in this thread is basically my life. I wouldn't be able to function without lists and places to put things. Every successful person I know does these things. I thought it was normal. How would anyone ever remember their schedule, and their spouse's, and their kids', and their parents', plus all the to-do lists for life, without lists? That's why there are calendar planners etc. Like I literally put a calendar reminder for December 1 every year to start doing camp planning with a spreadsheet. And then I forget about it because it's not relevant any more until the reminder pops up, and then I do it.

Are you all saying that the majority of the world who don't have ADHD just remembers all the minutiae of life without memory aids and systems?

It is normal. But having ADHD makes it hard to focus long enough to create such systems, and to remember to use them.

Another thing that is different for neurodivergents is that ND brains don’t get a hit of dopamine for completing a task. So if you are neurotypical and you do a routine task, you get a little surge of dopamine and it creates a reinforcement for the behavior, but ADHD brains don’t have that response. So it requires a lot more willpower to complete daily tasks bc the dopamine hit doesn’t balance out the drain on mental resources. The best description I can think of is to imagine doing a boring task for your boss that you know isn’t necessary and won’t be rewarded like refiling something in a different order. Compare the mental effort that takes to the mental effort of something that benefits you personally and will make a positive difference to complete like reorganizing a closet that’s been getting out of hand. The meaningful task gives you a little boost of positive chemicals at each stage and a slightly bigger one once you are done. The pointless and thankless task is way less reinforcement. For neurodiverse brains, the routine tasks of daily life are an effortful slog akin to the pointless and thankless refiling job and so the mental load of daily life feels incredibly heavy.

[Anonymous]

I was in this situation (kids have since fledged).

Give DH some tasks he can manage, like the kids' sports and the weekly grocery shopping if you give him a list. Sure, mine occasionally left the bag with the milk behind, but on the whole it worked. You organize the really complicated things like summer camp.

Get a new nanny, and also a housecleaner every week or two weeks. If your kids have ADHD, it may be a lot to have a nanny that also manages the house.

For me, it was like walking on eggshells because DH had not (yet) been formally diagnosed or medicated, but he knew he was prone to massive screw-ups and was really sensitive to being corrected. I had to find the most nonconfrontational version of myself I could, by telling myself at least he was trying, and I also had to learn to let a lot of things slide.

[Anonymous]

This YouTuber mostly makes videos about cleaning & organizing other people's houses, but his wife has ADHD and he made this video of practical tips for living with someone with ADHD. After watching this, I can see why some are saying that an organizer may not help if they aren't used to how the ADHD mind works.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Cre68CTiN8

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This YouTuber mostly makes videos about cleaning & organizing other people's houses, but his wife has ADHD and he made this video of practical tips for living with someone with ADHD. After watching this, I can see why some are saying that an organizer may not help if they aren't used to how the ADHD mind works.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Cre68CTiN8

He’s autistic.

[Anonymous]

Another ADHD adult. I don't use medications as I have never found that helpful in increasing my productivity and they tend to actually give me a flat fatigue / lack of energy.

I can't say I have the answers but here are a few things I try to do.

Use lists and checklists that are visible. I write them on a large white board and hang it on the fridge. My ADHD brain likes the dopamine rush of a challenge and it is a frequent reminder of what to do when I get off task

I work in spurts. Sometimes I just crash and there is no way I am going to get anything done at all. So when I do get started on something, I just keep going, usually with the help of high doses of caffeine and try to power through as much as I can.

Sometimes I get completely overwhelmed and I just go into an avoidance / ignore / bury this all mode. During these times, having an organizer or a cleaner or someone who can come and tackle some big items but help me get back into the present.

I have a few key places where I keep everything. I have a large bag I take to work, I have a bin inside the door, I have a huge cabinet in my office at home, and I have a basket in my car. Everything goes into one of those four spots. It means I also keep a lot of unimportant things and am a bit of a pack rack but when I need to find something I know it is in one of those places. Over the years I have worked hard on routines - for example my keys should ever go in my pocket but always in the same pocket of my bag.

I am also pretty good with assigned tasks that have deadlines. I have figured out strategies at work that as long as I do them, I can keep up for the most part and I am really good at hiding and faking when I am behind!

It is just hard but your DH should have figured out some ideas of what works for him by now. He could try meds and see if he gets a good effect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kind of OT but for those with ADHD, what does it feel like? I am curious because like some of the posters, I am extremely organized, write everything down, etc, have very strong systems and executive functions - but I taught myself to do this in 7th grade after missing a bunch of assignments and forgetting my sports bag, or forgetting to call my mom to tell her I'd arrive somewhere, etc - like many kids do. It has never crossed my mind that I might have ADHD, yet everything being described in this thread is basically my life. I wouldn't be able to function without lists and places to put things. Every successful person I know does these things. I thought it was normal. How would anyone ever remember their schedule, and their spouse's, and their kids', and their parents', plus all the to-do lists for life, without lists? That's why there are calendar planners etc. Like I literally put a calendar reminder for December 1 every year to start doing camp planning with a spreadsheet. And then I forget about it because it's not relevant any more until the reminder pops up, and then I do it.

Are you all saying that the majority of the world who don't have ADHD just remembers all the minutiae of life without memory aids and systems?

It is normal. But having ADHD makes it hard to focus long enough to create such systems, and to remember to use them.

Another thing that is different for neurodivergents is that ND brains don’t get a hit of dopamine for completing a task.

So if you are neurotypical and you do a routine task, you get a little surge of dopamine and it creates a reinforcement for the behavior, but ADHD brains don’t have that response.

So it requires a lot more willpower to complete daily tasks bc the dopamine hit doesn’t balance out the drain on mental resources.

The best description I can think of is to imagine doing a boring task for your boss that you know isn’t necessary and won’t be rewarded like refiling something in a different order. Compare the mental effort that takes to the mental effort of something that benefits you personally and will make a positive difference to complete like reorganizing a closet that’s been getting out of hand.
The meaningful task gives you a little boost of positive chemicals at each stage and a slightly bigger one once you are done. The pointless and thankless task is way less reinforcement.

For neurodiverse brains, the routine tasks of daily life are an effortful slog akin to the pointless and thankless refiling job and so the mental load of daily life feels incredibly heavy.

Supposed dopamine hit after completely any and all tasks is not the reason anyone STARTS any and all tasks.

Unclear what study or science shows dopamine hits for anyone by type of task.

Also don’t know many adhd who take the time and effort to reorg any closet in their house. Especially once the neglect snowball takes effect (neglect to do tasks until they’re so big you say they’re too overwhelming to do. Easy out they think).

ND people only want to do their hyperfocus favorite activities.
So basic non-favorite stuff like teeth brushing, tidying up, closing the cabinets, putting clothes away can be damned.

Thats why you need systems and accountability, and good habits instilled from an early age by a caretaker who is on top of things. And who likely does not have ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kind of OT but for those with ADHD, what does it feel like? I am curious because like some of the posters, I am extremely organized, write everything down, etc, have very strong systems and executive functions - but I taught myself to do this in 7th grade after missing a bunch of assignments and forgetting my sports bag, or forgetting to call my mom to tell her I'd arrive somewhere, etc - like many kids do. It has never crossed my mind that I might have ADHD, yet everything being described in this thread is basically my life. I wouldn't be able to function without lists and places to put things. Every successful person I know does these things. I thought it was normal. How would anyone ever remember their schedule, and their spouse's, and their kids', and their parents', plus all the to-do lists for life, without lists? That's why there are calendar planners etc. Like I literally put a calendar reminder for December 1 every year to start doing camp planning with a spreadsheet. And then I forget about it because it's not relevant any more until the reminder pops up, and then I do it.

Are you all saying that the majority of the world who don't have ADHD just remembers all the minutiae of life without memory aids and systems?

It is normal. But having ADHD makes it hard to focus long enough to create such systems, and to remember to use them.

Another thing that is different for neurodivergents is that ND brains don’t get a hit of dopamine for completing a task. So if you are neurotypical and you do a routine task, you get a little surge of dopamine and it creates a reinforcement for the behavior, but ADHD brains don’t have that response. So it requires a lot more willpower to complete daily tasks bc the dopamine hit doesn’t balance out the drain on mental resources. The best description I can think of is to imagine doing a boring task for your boss that you know isn’t necessary and won’t be rewarded like refiling something in a different order. Compare the mental effort that takes to the mental effort of something that benefits you personally and will make a positive difference to complete like reorganizing a closet that’s been getting out of hand. The meaningful task gives you a little boost of positive chemicals at each stage and a slightly bigger one once you are done. The pointless and thankless task is way less reinforcement. For neurodiverse brains, the routine tasks of daily life are an effortful slog akin to the pointless and thankless refiling job and so the mental load of daily life feels incredibly heavy.

Must be swell never doing all those “meaningless tasks” that adults should be doing. Just selfishly do whatever you feel like. All the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're going to need systems for everything. And less stuff. And a nanny without ADHD.

Thanks. Our nanny will be leaving in the fall. Where have you found resources for systems?

DP, mom 👩 f college kid with ADHD.
Tons of resources on Instagram, and Google, try different things to see what sticks.

No one has time for that.

Are you a SAHM dedicated to trying to raise adhd kids and an adhd husband? Good luck. Don’t lose your sanity.