Reaching out to possibly drug-addicted estranged family member. Advice needed.

[Anonymous]

My spouse and I have been estranged from a close family member for about five years now after a bunch of lies and admission of a drug addiction came to light. We tried to help for many months, but the family member refused help, refused rehab and therapy, and essentially abandoned their children. As far as we know, there's been no progress since then. She has, in fact, gotten into a relationship with a very shady man. We've had limited contact with her, and it's always civil, but I get the impression she thinks we all abandoned her and don't like her, which is not true.

I am considering reaching out via a letter explaining why we believe we are no longer part of each others' lives, and also letting her know that we are here for her when she's ready and if she needs help. The essence of the letter would be that we want to fix things. In the letter, I plan to mention that we believe this new boyfriend is part of the reason we have distanced ourselves from her and that we worry he is controlling and not a good person. I'm worried that might not be a good idea, but I also feel compelled to do this in case she feels trapped with him/unsafe with him/or he is controlling her. I want her to know she has an out if she needs it.

Does anyone have any other advice about what I should or should not include in a letter like this? I'm afraid of screwing things up more than they already are.

[Anonymous]

Watch the War Room. You can't fix this on your own.

[Anonymous]

I'm not really sure how much to put into the letter about why you're not part of her life or the fact that her boyfriend is no good for her. You want her to know that there are boundaries there but you will help if she is willing to get help. Too much criticism of the boyfriend may be counterproductive.

But I'm no expert in these things. Before writing this letter, I really think you should consult a professional in addiction and/or attend Nar-Anon meetings for friends and families of drug addicts to get support. Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

No

[Anonymous]

I don't think this is a good idea. She is an ADULT. People need to take responsibility for themselves. If she needs help, she will ask. If she goes to rehab, one of the steps is reaching out to people she's wronged, and at THAT point you can explain whatever you want.

Just do what you can/want for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse and I have been estranged from a close family member for about five years now after a bunch of lies and admission of a drug addiction came to light. We tried to help for many months, but the family member refused help, refused rehab and therapy, and essentially abandoned their children. As far as we know, there's been no progress since then. She has, in fact, gotten into a relationship with a very shady man. We've had limited contact with her, and it's always civil, but I get the impression she thinks we all abandoned her and don't like her, which is not true.

I am considering reaching out via a letter explaining why we believe we are no longer part of each others' lives, and also letting her know that we are here for her when she's ready and if she needs help. The essence of the letter would be that we want to fix things. In the letter, I plan to mention that we believe this new boyfriend is part of the reason we have distanced ourselves from her and that we worry he is controlling and not a good person. I'm worried that might not be a good idea, but I also feel compelled to do this in case she feels trapped with him/unsafe with him/or he is controlling her. I want her to know she has an out if she needs it.

Does anyone have any other advice about what I should or should not include in a letter like this? I'm afraid of screwing things up more than they already are.

You don't need to fix things. She needs to fix her life. You should tell her that if she needs help and is willing to fix her life, then you are there for her.

Be prepared, though, that once you say that, she is going to be pissed and it will put your relationship in the toilet.

[Anonymous]

This person already knows you are there. You will have to wait her out and hope for the best.

[Anonymous]

It's been 5 years and now you want to send a letter? No, I don't think it's a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Reach out and keep it light. Send a nice card just to say hi. Addicts feel so horrible about themselves that a little mercy goes a long way. Nothing heavy -- she's heard it all before. Nothing which would encourage a visit with the shady guy. Just send something which says that you care; just be kind with no strings attached.

If she is continuing to self destruct, she will likely not survive very long. Sending a few words of encouragement will be a huge consolation for you if she dies from her addiction, and a ray of hope for her.

[Anonymous]

I would just send a card telling her that you miss her, you hope she is okay, and you would love to hear from her. Save the rest for if/when she is receptive. Just knowing you love her and think of her might mean a lot if she is lost and isolated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's been 5 years and now you want to send a letter? No, I don't think it's a good idea.

We've been in touch, and I send little "how are you's" via text frequently, but we haven't officially sat down to talk about how to get close again like we used to be. How to be in each others' lives again.