My son feels he is not good at anything

[Anonymous]

He is 12. He is, but we have him in an environment where it is hard to feel that way (travel sports, but on the lower end, competitive private school, also on the lower end, etc.) I feel like we should change his environment, but that would be really hard and not really want he wants. I guess it's the whole big fish in a little sea argument. I was the bigger fish and it lead to confidence that was definitely a big part of my success in life. Others in same boat? What are your thoughts?

[Anonymous]

to clarify, he is on the lower end of the above competitive environments. However, he's smart, talented, and an overall great kid.

[Anonymous]

move him to rec sports

[Anonymous]

Yea. My son is the best player on his rec team and the worst player on his travel team.

One year I made him play just rec and some parents complained that travel players should not play rec, and it was a little "unfair" since there is contact and he made a few kids cry... so he is back to travel... Much to my dismay. $$$

I have no words of wisdom... Except it's not the worst position to be in... He has friends and is having fun.

[Anonymous]

You're the ones who have chosen to bring him up in this super-competitive environment, and it's up to you to decide whether a change of pace would be in his best interests. Everything you've posted suggests that he feels the way he does because you keep putting him in situations ideally designed to showcase how accomplished you were hoping he'd be. Some kids thrive in that atmosphere, and others do not. It will not get any easier once he's a teenager.

[Anonymous]

I'd back off on things like sports, that aren't really that important, and just let him play for fun. If he resists, you can even frame it as a time commitment thing--you think the travel sports are taking up too much time. Let him use that time to explore other things, which he might have more of an aptitude for.

Also, help him focus on being proud of his efforts. Having a good work ethic and work habits is a skill in itself. The point isn't where he ranks now, but what kind of person he's setting himself up to be in the future.

Also, make efforts to have your whole family volunteer in some way. Focusing on helping others can really put the other stuff into perspective and develop other kinds of values and skills.

[Anonymous]

Have him start a gratitude journal, or do one out loud with him every day. It will really shift a person's focus.

[Anonymous]

Think about moving him to less competitive environments or to public school.

[Anonymous]

PP, I think you are being unfair. My 11 year old isn't good enough at sports for travel, but he almost is. A couple of years ago he really wanted to try out for travel soccer and we let him. We knew his chances were maybe 50%/50% and he didn't make it. It was disappointing, and it wasn't us driving it. He is way more of a jock than his clumsy nerd parents. I would try and find something that makes him feel successful OP. My son who is an A/B student at a DC charter, got the highest score on a standardized math test in his grade and that was really great for him. I feel like his school tries to make ways to recognize kids, and it is really great

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're the ones who have chosen to bring him up in this super-competitive environment, and it's up to you to decide whether a change of pace would be in his best interests. Everything you've posted suggests that he feels the way he does because you keep putting him in situations ideally designed to showcase how accomplished you were hoping he'd be. Some kids thrive in that atmosphere, and others do not. It will not get any easier once he's a teenager.

I don't think so... My son just wants to play with his friends. His friends are on competitive teams. Even after I made him play rec, he was right back to asking to try out for travel... And he made the team, and he will be the 11th man.

OP said.. Changing his environment is NOT what her child wants.

Kids have to make their own decisions in their teens and a good start is something as insignificant as choosing his sports team... And living with those consequences.

We have BTDT with older kids and know he will eventually get cut in HS. Natural consequences are good for children.

[Anonymous]

Can you help him find one area where he really excels? Can be anything, really, that he loves.

[Anonymous]

Does he have a competitive nature? If so is he just in the situation that he was a big fish and has moved to a new level and has to work to catch up? Or has he always struggled? If he's competitive and at a valley moment on the way to a peak I'd leave him be. If he's just naturally not competitive I'd consider changing environments.

[Anonymous]

My kid's not the best athlete on her travel team, but she has a can-do, enthusiastic attitude that outshines the other kids. When they're not doing well, she is the one pulling them together, helping motivate them to keep going, recognizing her teammates for good plays and cheering them on. She would love to be one of the best athletes, but she's happy being the spirit.

Are there things like that that your child excels at that you can point out? I'd also get him involved in activities in which he can excel. Art? Music? Volunteer organizations? There are things where he is tops. Help him find them.

[Anonymous]

He loves his travel team , best friend since 2 on it and he's in a valley as someone pointed out and liky will grow into his ability. He has to work hard, not such a bad thing in my opinion. In school he's very bright but has mild add and some learning disabilities. We don't really do accommodations, though he qualifies, as my view is the real world doesn't give you extra time etc. and I likely had/have some add and my own learning challenges.

[Anonymous]

Why isn't "good" good enough?