If you don't have a great relationship with your parents

[Anonymous]

Do you ever think it's because they just shouldn't have had kids?

[Anonymous]

Sorry my tablet went wonky and returned before the bulk of my message. I don't have a good relationship with my father. If my mom passed, I'd probably speak to him once a year out of pity and it would be incredibly awkward. I feel badly about that though because as an adult, I can see that my birth kind of ruined his life. They were 21 when they had me and dropped out of college to do so. My mom wanted the baby and (I suspect) my dad wanted my mom. For many years they worked as a mechanic and a waitress. They eventually worked their way into "real" careers but I don't think they ever enjoyed what they did. So I feel bad that they felt pressured to give up whatever potential they might have had to raise me.

They weren't the best parents in the world but I can see now that they probably weren't well equipped emotionally to do it and that they did the best they could with limited resources. Still, that doesn't change the problems I have with my father and how he treats me. It makes me more ambivalent than I might be though because I don't think he should have made the decision he did. He shouldn't have had kids. He's not a "kid" person at all. He never played with us growing up and he doesn't play with his grandkids now. He shows no interest in us. Because of that, we barely have a relationship. I feel no real connection to him (outside of my mom who I am close to). I start to get mad when I think about this but it peters out when I circle back to the thought that my conception and birth ruined his life. Then I start to feel guilty about his wasted life and potential.

I'm not sure what I'm asking here. Just wondering if anyone can relate I guess.

[Anonymous]

Wow. Um, I think they should have had to work out their own shit before having kids and my dad really could have used anger management classes and child development classes to know what was really age appropriate.

[Anonymous]

You didn't ruin their careers. They're the ones who got pregnant, also, they could have figured out a way to stay in school.

[Anonymous]

The real problem is that you're not grateful for what they did right.

For them having stuck together to raise you.
For them to have stuck to their jobs to create a stable home, with no drug addiction, mental health issues, explosive anger or other abusive tendencies.

I know it's easy to blame parents for everything, I blame my own mother for a lot of things. But at some point you have to grow up and realize that you are responsible for your own life, just like everybody else. You can't change your father's personality. I strongly suspect he would have behaved exactly the same even if he had yearned for children, had a college education and a better-paying job! It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, OP.

My father is uncommunicative and acts as if he doesn't care. But I know he loves us all very very much! He stuck to my mother when they had a first child out of wedlock, and stuck to her when she developed a deeply handicapping chronic illness. He was a workaholic and I didn't interact with him much. Yet I love him and I am grateful for all that he did for us.

Let go of the unattainable dream, and learn to appreciate what's right there in front of your nose. That's the secret to a happy life.

[Anonymous]

My (married) parents were 20 and 18 when I was born. They got married as soon as my mother graduated high school. She only got married to get away from her parents. He married and had a baby so that he could keep his very good job (in the trades) and not get drafted for Vietnam. They were both way too young and had way too many issues with their own parents. They were terrible parents. My dad wasn't a bad guy, but he was too young. My mother had serious mental health issues and should never have had kids at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The real problem is that you're not grateful for what they did right.

For them having stuck together to raise you.
For them to have stuck to their jobs to create a stable home, with no drug addiction, mental health issues, explosive anger or other abusive tendencies.

I know it's easy to blame parents for everything, I blame my own mother for a lot of things. But at some point you have to grow up and realize that you are responsible for your own life, just like everybody else. You can't change your father's personality. I strongly suspect he would have behaved exactly the same even if he had yearned for children, had a college education and a better-paying job! It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, OP.

My father is uncommunicative and acts as if he doesn't care. But I know he loves us all very very much! He stuck to my mother when they had a first child out of wedlock, and stuck to her when she developed a deeply handicapping chronic illness. He was a workaholic and I didn't interact with him much. Yet I love him and I am grateful for all that he did for us.

This is a great post.

Let go of the unattainable dream, and learn to appreciate what's right there in front of your nose. That's the secret to a happy life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you ever think it's because they just shouldn't have had kids?

Yes. My parents both have severe personality disorders and mental illnesses and made a terrible mess of our family life. They should not have had kids under any circumstances.

[Anonymous]

MIL is one of those who got married and had kids because that's what women did in those times. If she lived in today's society, there's no doubt in my mind she'd be childless by choice. She has made my DH and her daughter feel unloved year after year. Takes no interest in the grandchildren (any of them) and generally dislikes children except in photographs. It'll be a blessing when she passes.