How to Help Lonely Mom as Stepdad deals with cancer

[Anonymous]

My mom is in her early 70s lives out in Prince William County, and I'm in DC. Mom is the very social type, but also very hard to deal with on a daily basis. She was always throwing parties, cooking meals for people and so on, but all of these people have never reciprocated. I've been asking her why she does all this for people who don't seem to be true friends, for years. My stepdad is now very sick with cancer, getting chemo and radiation, prognosis is unclear. She's now not able to do a lot of the things that she used to do because my stepdad would drive (she can drive-that's not the issue) her all over the place and of course, was her constant companion. Now, he physically can't drive her around all over, and doesn't exactly feel like it either. He just wants to sleep and rest comfortably after the treatments which is totally understandable.

All of these people who she has done stuff for and invited over to her big house for parties and dinners, she says don't even call or offer to visit. (And I never get the full story on what or why-it could be that my mom has done something to alienate her friends, I don't know. But she is one of these people who is such a big personality that it can actually be overbearing and she does always seem to invite drama and feuding, which I hear about periodically.) Of course, now she wants me to come and hang out with her constantly and drive her to do things, and I have three kids with schedules not to mention a house, a job and husband. She'd like to sit with us all day in our house, but stepdad can't do that, so she's dropping a lot of hints that I come out there more (she's been trying to get us to move near her since we got married many years ago) and she's very lonely, and I am sure, scared stepdad is going to die. I should also mention that my brother still lives with her and my stepdad, but he doesn't really do much to help. He has kids and a girlfriend, but keeps as much to himself as possible, even though he's basically been living off my mom and stepdad for years. We see my mom usually at least once a week, have dinner with her, she will sometimes come to the kids sports events on the weekend, but it's never enough. She's now saying how lonely she is and how none of her "friends" care, etc. I would like her to get involved in some other social interest clubs, like movies or something, just so she has someone else to do stuff with, but haven't had any luck online tracking them down. Any suggestions of what we can do to help her out more? Thanks for any advice.

[Anonymous]

You can be interested and supportive of your Mom as it seems you have been, but set the limits and follow them. Your brother living in the house is the one whose direct responsibility it should be to help out. Your Mom needs to learn to make choices on where she drives and get comfortable doing so. Perhaps if you went down for a day and went over the best route to take to get to the key places she needs to go. It sounds as if you really need to have a conversation with dear brother, too.

You also might check to see if there is any para-transit for the elderly or non-drivers in Prince William County or the cost of a cab in bad weather. It might be worth it to give her a gift card for a cab at times in bad weather, then to guilt trip yourself. Do what you can, but tell her calmly and clearly you have a lot on your plate and so best to make good use of your visit and not just sit there, but perhaps prepare meals ahead with her, take her on a larger than usual big food shopping which you could handle putting away, run errands with her and have a lunch out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of these people who she has done stuff for and invited over to her big house for parties and dinners, she says don't even call or offer to visit. (And I never get the full story on what or why-it could be that my mom has done something to alienate her friends, I don't know. But she is one of these people who is such a big personality that it can actually be overbearing and she does always seem to invite drama and feuding, which I hear about periodically.)

This is not uncommon, even for people without drama. People are uncomfortable getting in touch for many reasons. They also don't know what is needed, and need the asker to be specific (we need dinner after chemo, I need a ride next Tues afternoon, husband could use a one-hour visit to cheer him up). This happens even with true friends.

[Anonymous]

Can you get the email or phone numbers of her friends and get in touch with them? Let them know she would like people to stop by and socialize or maybe set up a weekly dinner schedule where they bring something over?

[Anonymous]

Sometimes parents that age are just stubborn. My parents are in a similar position but are out of state. Their "friends" seemed to have fallen off the face of the earth. That seems to be normal as people don't know how to react to something so dire (whatever). My mom struggles with taking my advice unless I get real stern about it. My poor dad is the one dealing with the cancer.

Your mom may be dealing with caretaker anxiety. It is a lot on someone even if it doesn't seem that way. There are probably a lot of what ifs going through her mind and seeing your loved one sick daily is difficult.

I do feel you see her enough considering the distance. She's obviously lonely. Can you see if she would Skype or facetime during the week? Your brother needs to step it up too but maybe your mom doesn't have the same relationship with him as she does with you.

[Anonymous]

I would introduce her to social media, starting with DCUM. She'll never be lonely again!

[Anonymous]

Your mom needs to realize it's your stepdad's friends who should be rallying and helping HIM. Not HER friends helping HER. HIS cancer is not about HER, and from your post it sounds like she's lost sight of that.

All you're doing for her is plenty. Don't get sucked into doing more.

[Anonymous]

Most people don't "reach out" they wait to hear what is needed and offer help.

Set up a caring bridge and send it out to her friends, neighbors, etc.

Does she go to church? Usually somebody there can help.

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone for all these ideas. I especially love the caring bridge one. I think i can get in touch with these folks and see if they can sign up a few times with specific things to do. I really appreciate the help in breaking this down and good concrete ideas! Thanks again!