Must I hang out with this woman?

[Anonymous]

Brother is dating a crazy woman. Abusive, alcohol problems, eating disorder, with a diagnosed personality disorder. She's horrible to his kids. needless to say my brother is NOT acting his best either. Drinking and driving, neglecting the kids, and wrecking his career. They broke up, she trashed his house and dumped his crap on his front lawn. Keyed his car. But they are back together again and brother wants us all together for an upcoming family event. I can be fake polite to her, but I feel getting together with her is just condoning/enabling this extremely toxic relationship. I'm happy to see him and his kids. Just not her. What would you do?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't go and I'd tell him why.

[Anonymous]

At a big whole-family event, I'd go. But I wouldn't be accepting any offers to get together with just BIL and girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

If you're willing - I'd try to suck it up to stay close to the kids. You may be their rock in this crazy time and if you're rude to GF you'll likely get cut out

[Anonymous]

Grow up and accept the children, OP. No need for you to act like a petulant child. Your brother is old enough to make his own decisions.

Maybe he does not come from a perfect family, after all?

[Anonymous]

can you use the family event to stage an intervention?

[Anonymous]

The worst thing to do would be to cut them off entirely, as his kids might desperately need a relationship with you.

So avoid seeing them as much as possible but invite the kids over? You'll have to be a little fake otherwise they might be the ones to cut you off...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:can you use the family event to stage an intervention?

This might seem an overreaction, but you can never never NEVER react too strongly to drinking and driving. Make that stop NOW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grow up and accept the children, OP. No need for you to act like a petulant child. Your brother is old enough to make his own decisions.

Maybe he does not come from a perfect family, after all?

Read again - they are HIS kids that she is horrible to.

[Anonymous]

"Dude, your girlfriend is a train wreck and she's ruining your life. Call me when she's ancient history."

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure what you should do about this specific event but I would recommend attending Al-Anon or talking to a professional in addiction about your brother. With or without the girlfriend, it sounds like he has a lot of problems with drinking and as you get older they may become your problems, OP, (been there done that) and you will need help in deciding how much of that to take on. It can be helpful to talk to other people who have had to struggle with the same issue about a family member. Because ultimately, the girlfriend may be crazy but your brother has decided to be entangled with her and that says so much about him. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure what you should do about this specific event but I would recommend attending Al-Anon or talking to a professional in addiction about your brother. With or without the girlfriend, it sounds like he has a lot of problems with drinking and as you get older they may become your problems, OP, (been there done that) and you will need help in deciding how much of that to take on. It can be helpful to talk to other people who have had to struggle with the same issue about a family member. Because ultimately, the girlfriend may be crazy but your brother has decided to be entangled with her and that says so much about him. Good luck!

OP, if you alienate her, you alienate him. Is that what he needs? Stop being so selfish.

If you just want to see the kids, and he trusts you with them, maybe you can take them out for a day, so they can have some Auntie Time. If not, I question your motives. You are not going to like every woman he dates, marries, or is involved with. He's an adult. He may or may not make good choices, but he is also your brother. Deal with it. Be supportive, or don't be at all; but don't take your feelings out on the children. That would be foolish and naive of you.

Didn't your mother ever tell you? You do not have to like everyone, but you do have to be nice.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to separate her behavior and actions from her diagnoses. Part of me recoils when you say you don't want to hang out with her because she has an eating disorder. Yikes. Okay Miss Perfect. If she's mean to people , especially kids, by all means freeze her out. But for God's sake what in the hell gives you the right to condemn her for her ED?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grow up and accept the children, OP. No need for you to act like a petulant child. Your brother is old enough to make his own decisions.

Maybe he does not come from a perfect family, after all?

reading comprehension much?

[Anonymous]

If it was just me and dh going I would go and try to limit my own conversation with her. But if I had kids (I do) - no, I would not go. There are just some things that you don't willingly subject your own children to.