Cousin got spontaneously married at engagement party... and I am weirdly dissapointed.

[Anonymous]

I know this isn't about me and my feelings....BUT. My cousin, who lives on the west coast was engaged to a great girl. Her parents threw an engagement party in Ohio last weekend which we declined to attend and then they were supposed to have a big wedding in California next year. They decided to get married on the spur of the moment and wound up getting married at the party - with only a few family members in tow. They now say they'll just have a nice party in California at some point. But I am bummed! It's just not the same to have a party, and I am not sure how much of the extended family would actually come out for it. And then the question becomes, do I fly my family of 6 out to California just for a party? It just doesn't feel the same. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this isn't about me and my feelings....BUT. My cousin, who lives on the west coast was engaged to a great girl. Her parents threw an engagement party in Ohio last weekend which we declined to attend and then they were supposed to have a big wedding in California next year. They decided to get married on the spur of the moment and wound up getting married at the party - with only a few family members in tow. They now say they'll just have a nice party in California at some point. But I am bummed! It's just not the same to have a party, and I am not sure how much of the extended family would actually come out for it. And then the question becomes, do I fly my family of 6 out to California just for a party? It just doesn't feel the same. WWYD?

Assuming they have the party, I'd treat it like a family reunion and go anyway. But yea, the whole thing sounds weird. How spontaneous can it have been? They'd have needed a license and a minister. I'd be a little miffed myself, to be honest. I could see feeling left out because you might have gone if you had known it was really the wedding. Why do you think they did it? Is there some family weirdness they're avoiding?

[Anonymous]

Is this a thing? I saw something like this on a TV show one time, and I thought - how awful! Plenty of people whom you'd want at a wedding won't make it to the engagement party. I think it's worse than just having a court wedding, where clearly - you just wanted to get it done and didn't intend to have a big family celebration, and the people who aren't there know not to take it personally.

[Anonymous]

If they saved $15K in a wedding by going to a courthouse, good for them. This is the start of how they choose the build their family, I would absolutely go to the party if you can afford it later. If not, I doubt they would take offense. You can always send a gift and not worry about going. I wouldn't take it personal.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she's pregnant. I'd try not to take this personally and just go to the party in California if it doesn't create a hardship for your family.

[Anonymous]

I think this is popular. Especially for slightly older couples. I'm 30 and a few friends have done this. They just want to be married and start their lives already. Good friend keeps telling me "If we have an engagement party- COME."

[Anonymous]

I know a few people who have thrown surprise weddings. It's all the rage. I think couples do it for many different reasons: to keep the parents from taking over the wedding, to cut down on costs, to keep it small, etc... This just says that they think their marriage is more important than the wedding. I like it. Now they can have their big party in California without that pesky wedding getting in the way of their fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this isn't about me and my feelings....BUT. My cousin, who lives on the west coast was engaged to a great girl. Her parents threw an engagement party in Ohio last weekend which we declined to attend and then they were supposed to have a big wedding in California next year. They decided to get married on the spur of the moment and wound up getting married at the party - with only a few family members in tow. They now say they'll just have a nice party in California at some point. But I am bummed! It's just not the same to have a party, and I am not sure how much of the extended family would actually come out for it. And then the question becomes, do I fly my family of 6 out to California just for a party? It just doesn't feel the same. WWYD?

Assuming they have the party, I'd treat it like a family reunion and go anyway. But yea, the whole thing sounds weird. How spontaneous can it have been? They'd have needed a license and a minister. I'd be a little miffed myself, to be honest. I could see feeling left out because you might have gone if you had known it was really the wedding. Why do you think they did it? Is there some family weirdness they're avoiding?

That was my first thought too, but apparently the bride's uncle is a justice of the peace so they planned it like the day of. I think I am also a little miffed because yes, I would have schelped to OH if I had known. Most of her family was in attendance, but very few from our side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a few people who have thrown surprise weddings. It's all the rage. I think couples do it for many different reasons: to keep the parents from taking over the wedding, to cut down on costs, to keep it small, etc... This just says that they think their marriage is more important than the wedding. I like it. Now they can have their big party in California without that pesky wedding getting in the way of their fun.

In theory I agree with you. But I really like the ceremony and feeling like I am there for something special and important. I didn't know I would feel this way until this happened though!

[Anonymous]

Good for them. Starting a life with a mound of debt to appease far-flung relatives is foolish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good for them. Starting a life with a mound of debt to appease far-flung relatives is foolish.

A wedding doesn't have to be hugely expensive. They could have done a backyard low-key one without spending a ton of money. I get where op is coming from. It's like they looked at who was there and said that's all the important people, when in fact most of the grooms family wasn't there. I'd be bummed too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is popular. Especially for slightly older couples. I'm 30 and a few friends have done this. They just want to be married and start their lives already. Good friend keeps telling me "If we have an engagement party- COME."

Oh, this is asinine. Just call it a fucking wedding and be up-front about it. Why be coy and pretend it's an engagement party if you KNOW you're GETTING MARRIED.

[Anonymous]

Another thing is that the people who are really pissed about this (his siblings, all of whom were not able to attend) can't really be angry about this outloud, because we are all supposed to be really happy for them. And, I guess, I am really happy for them. I just would have liked a chance to be there in person. -- OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is popular. Especially for slightly older couples. I'm 30 and a few friends have done this. They just want to be married and start their lives already. Good friend keeps telling me "If we have an engagement party- COME."

Oh, this is asinine. Just call it a fucking wedding and be up-front about it. Why be coy and pretend it's an engagement party if you KNOW you're GETTING MARRIED.

They must think they are George Clooney or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another thing is that the people who are really pissed about this (his siblings, all of whom were not able to attend) can't really be angry about this outloud, because we are all supposed to be really happy for them. And, I guess, I am really happy for them. I just would have liked a chance to be there in person. -- OP

Well that's ridiculous. That's a slam to his siblings. I'D be furious if my brother did this. I'm gonna guess the bride's parents and siblings were all there?