Are we wrong for not allowing the kids to attend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In a way you might be doing that 12 year old a huge favor. 12 years old in a room filled with adults they mostly don't know is not REALLY going to be a celebration for them, anyway, imho. I mean, I can understand the parents feeling upset and wronged, etc., but in reality the kid might have more fun at home.

Okay. Tell yourself that. If the 12 year old didn't want to come she wouldn't. Not inviting her is an insult, not a favor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if you remain child free (which you definitely should OP), line up a marital therapist for after the honeymoon. Even in a great relationship (which you clearly don’t have here), the first year is ROUGH.

Wow. The misogyny runs deep in you. Having a child free wedding wasn't just OP's decision. It was a joint decision with her DH. Yet, you, and those like you, continue to attempt to manipulate and perpetuate toxic expectations of women. You, and those like you, are complicit.

I do agree, though, that OP should line up a relationship counselor. Her ILs inability to recognize and respect a boundary will likely continue to be a problem. It's important for OP and her DH to understand the dynamic and remain united.

Is your fiance ranting online all day, too? Not PP

PP you’re quoting. I've been happily married for nearly 30 years and have 3 kids. I have plenty of experience with IL who struggle with boundaries. DH and I learned a lot in relationship counseling about how toxic behaviors/patterns develop in families and are passed down. Once you see it, you can't unsee it. Definitely internalized misogyny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can do whatever you want but that doesn’t mean there aren’t consequences to these decisions. If it’s more important to you to keep it kids only, then do so but it may impact your relationship with your family and only you know if that’s worth it.

Yes. I know Anglo-Saxons are very into child-free weddings (British, Americans, etc), because apparently they can't fathom having elegant, sophisticated affairs with mini-people... but really it makes them look like constipated try-hards. Continental Europe does weddings with kids very well, so do Asian cultures, and we're not talking backyard wedding with barbecue.

But if that's above what you can muster, well, your guests will just have to make a choice.

That’s because they can’t get their kids to behave! 😂

But yes, OP if you live in America, people have heard of adult-only weddings. You’re not inventing some crazy new concept

Hah, seriously. I do sit here wondering how badly these kids behave. In my family, the kids were always invited to formal events such as weddings, confirmations, communions, graduations (at restaurants, not backyard parties), anniversaries, cultural events. In my experience they are a joy to be around and I have such fond memories of being a child at these events and being an adult around the children at these events. It's wild to me that people consider this a horrible burden or think people who do this would take their child to a cancer screening appointment. Just a completely different culture. I'm talking about family of course, not bringing children to a wedding of some college friend or colleague they've never met.

I posted much earlier in the thread about my DH and his South American family. Every wedding that I'd been to with him, the kids were out of control. It was so bad at one, the photographer informed the mother of the bride that unless the kids were corraled, he and his team would leave. They couldn't get the pictures they needed to.

They were so very bad that DH and I had an adults only wedding. That was 28 years ago and I'm still glad they weren't there.

That’s a parenting issue.

I agree but the cause doesn't really matter. We'd been to enough weddings and other events to know what would happen if those kids attended. It's a shame that we had to exclude all kids because of a few but we had to be consistent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm convinced some of these kid-crazy people (person?) are trolls and just posting to rile everyone up.

No one I know IRL acts like this. Maybe I'm lucky that I dont have such entitled selfish friends/family, but I'd be shocked if people actually behaved like this.

It's 100% fine to not invite someones children, or any children. It's 100% fine to decline if that doesnt work for you. It's not ok to try and guilt people into inviting more people or spending more money on you.

You are having a party. A few more people isn't that much. Be real. They don't want kids and it's fine. But, it's ok for that family to decline. Let it go.

OP and her DH are not having a party. They are having a sit down dinner. Even if they were, the average per person cost just for a meal is $85. That doesn't include the cake, the chair rental, venue, etc. A few more people isn't just $85/person.

You might be able to afford that, many cannot. Our wedding was only 50 people (including DH and I) with no kids because that's what we could afford.

If you cannot afford it, you don’t do it. We had 40 people with kids. We picked a cheaper venue, food and cake. Problem solved. It costs more than $85 for a babysitter.

PP you're quoting. There was no problem to solve. You had the wedding you wanted. I had the wedding I wanted. Kids were a priority for you. They weren't for me. Neither of us is wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a way you might be doing that 12 year old a huge favor. 12 years old in a room filled with adults they mostly don't know is not REALLY going to be a celebration for them, anyway, imho. I mean, I can understand the parents feeling upset and wronged, etc., but in reality the kid might have more fun at home.

Okay. Tell yourself that. If the 12 year old didn't want to come she wouldn't. Not inviting her is an insult, not a favor.

It's only an insult if parents twist it to make it one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a way you might be doing that 12 year old a huge favor. 12 years old in a room filled with adults they mostly don't know is not REALLY going to be a celebration for them, anyway, imho. I mean, I can understand the parents feeling upset and wronged, etc., but in reality the kid might have more fun at home.

Okay. Tell yourself that. If the 12 year old didn't want to come she wouldn't. Not inviting her is an insult, not a favor.

Is anyone supposed to feel bad that a 12 yr old is insulted they didn't get invited to an adult party? I mean, she's not an adult. We aren't equals and I don't need a 12 year who isn't my child dictating my wedding choices. Thems the breaks. I'm pretty sure said child has had birthday parties that didn't always include me either, and that's perfectly fine by me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a way you might be doing that 12 year old a huge favor. 12 years old in a room filled with adults they mostly don't know is not REALLY going to be a celebration for them, anyway, imho. I mean, I can understand the parents feeling upset and wronged, etc., but in reality the kid might have more fun at home.

Okay. Tell yourself that. If the 12 year old didn't want to come she wouldn't. Not inviting her is an insult, not a favor.

Is anyone supposed to feel bad that a 12 yr old is insulted they didn't get invited to an adult party? I mean, she's not an adult. We aren't equals and I don't need a 12 year who isn't my child dictating my wedding choices. Thems the breaks. I'm pretty sure said child has had birthday parties that didn't always include me either, and that's perfectly fine by me.

I support your right to have a childfree wedding but this sentiment is not helping your argument. 12 year olds are people, people at a tender age at that. I can completely understand how an event for adults 18+ would not include a 12 year old, but for me your statement really validates the perspective of the person offended that you excluded her tween. It’s almost like you don’t care about her family. Oh, wait…..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My fiancé and I are having a small, intimate wedding, inviting around 30, mostly family members and our closest friends. Nobody needs to travel, everyone we invited is local. We initially had a family member ask if they could bring their 3yo and 1yo, “or else they couldn’t attend”, and we held firm that no, it was an intimate dinner and not appropriate for children. Then, we had an aunt ask via future-MIL if her 12yo could attend, and we reiterated that no, it wasn’t for children, plus we already told others no children. Everyone is upset this 12yo won’t be attending and think it’s a family travesty. It’s a dinner. I’m so frustrated I’m thinking of scrapping the whole thing, DH agrees. But are we being ridiculous about the children?

Some have posted that op is upset that some won't attend without their kids. Where are you getting that?

Op, watch out for this pushy aunt, and MIL. My DH has an aunt who thinks she can push and get her way about things. She is not fun to deal with. MIL thought everyone should do things her way just.... because. Be ready to stand your ground repeatedly.

Maybe you'll Elope, if so, good for you.

I wasn’t sure about OP putting “or else they couldn’t attend” in quotes. Was she skeptical?

I read it to mean that the family used that as leverage or something. "Let us bring our little Angel or we won't be there."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My fiancé and I are having a small, intimate wedding, inviting around 30, mostly family members and our closest friends. Nobody needs to travel, everyone we invited is local. We initially had a family member ask if they could bring their 3yo and 1yo, “or else they couldn’t attend”, and we held firm that no, it was an intimate dinner and not appropriate for children. Then, we had an aunt ask via future-MIL if her 12yo could attend, and we reiterated that no, it wasn’t for children, plus we already told others no children. Everyone is upset this 12yo won’t be attending and think it’s a family travesty. It’s a dinner. I’m so frustrated I’m thinking of scrapping the whole thing, DH agrees. But are we being ridiculous about the children?

Some have posted that op is upset that some won't attend without their kids. Where are you getting that?

Op, watch out for this pushy aunt, and MIL. My DH has an aunt who thinks she can push and get her way about things. She is not fun to deal with. MIL thought everyone should do things her way just.... because. Be ready to stand your ground repeatedly.

Maybe you'll Elope, if so, good for you.

I wasn’t sure about OP putting “or else they couldn’t attend” in quotes. Was she skeptical?

I read it to mean that the family used that as leverage or something. "Let us bring our little Angel or we won't be there."

+1 it's the "or else" threat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a way you might be doing that 12 year old a huge favor. 12 years old in a room filled with adults they mostly don't know is not REALLY going to be a celebration for them, anyway, imho. I mean, I can understand the parents feeling upset and wronged, etc., but in reality the kid might have more fun at home.

Okay. Tell yourself that. If the 12 year old didn't want to come she wouldn't. Not inviting her is an insult, not a favor.

Is anyone supposed to feel bad that a 12 yr old is insulted they didn't get invited to an adult party? I mean, she's not an adult. We aren't equals and I don't need a 12 year who isn't my child dictating my wedding choices. Thems the breaks. I'm pretty sure said child has had birthday parties that didn't always include me either, and that's perfectly fine by me.

I support your right to have a childfree wedding but this sentiment is not helping your argument. 12 year olds are people, people at a tender age at that. I can completely understand how an event for adults 18+ would not include a 12 year old, but for me your statement really validates the perspective of the person offended that you excluded her tween. It’s almost like you don’t care about her family. Oh, wait…..

You're right, I don't care about some random tween I've never met and whether she was be sad about not being invited to the wedding I had 17 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm convinced some of these kid-crazy people (person?) are trolls and just posting to rile everyone up.

No one I know IRL acts like this. Maybe I'm lucky that I dont have such entitled selfish friends/family, but I'd be shocked if people actually behaved like this.

It's 100% fine to not invite someones children, or any children. It's 100% fine to decline if that doesnt work for you. It's not ok to try and guilt people into inviting more people or spending more money on you.

You are having a party. A few more people isn't that much. Be real. They don't want kids and it's fine. But, it's ok for that family to decline. Let it go.

OP and her DH are not having a party. They are having a sit down dinner. Even if they were, the average per person cost just for a meal is $85. That doesn't include the cake, the chair rental, venue, etc. A few more people isn't just $85/person.

You might be able to afford that, many cannot. Our wedding was only 50 people (including DH and I) with no kids because that's what we could afford.

If you cannot afford it, you don’t do it. We had 40 people with kids. We picked a cheaper venue, food and cake. Problem solved. It costs more than $85 for a babysitter.

PP you're quoting. There was no problem to solve. You had the wedding you wanted. I had the wedding I wanted. Kids were a priority for you. They weren't for me. Neither of us is wrong.

Family is a priority and they are family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a way you might be doing that 12 year old a huge favor. 12 years old in a room filled with adults they mostly don't know is not REALLY going to be a celebration for them, anyway, imho. I mean, I can understand the parents feeling upset and wronged, etc., but in reality the kid might have more fun at home.

Okay. Tell yourself that. If the 12 year old didn't want to come she wouldn't. Not inviting her is an insult, not a favor.

Is anyone supposed to feel bad that a 12 yr old is insulted they didn't get invited to an adult party? I mean, she's not an adult. We aren't equals and I don't need a 12 year who isn't my child dictating my wedding choices. Thems the breaks. I'm pretty sure said child has had birthday parties that didn't always include me either, and that's perfectly fine by me.

I support your right to have a childfree wedding but this sentiment is not helping your argument. 12 year olds are people, people at a tender age at that. I can completely understand how an event for adults 18+ would not include a 12 year old, but for me your statement really validates the perspective of the person offended that you excluded her tween. It’s almost like you don’t care about her family. Oh, wait…..

My relationship is primarily with the parents, not the kids. The kids also aren't invited to adult book club meetings, nights out, mom's weekends away, and many other things that are adults only. Our relationship isn't remotely the same. The kids would be invited to the backyard BBQ or pizza and movie night. But if your very special 12 yr old isn't asked to be in the wedding as a jr bridesmaid or flower girl, then no, they really aren't all that important, and that should have been obvious before the invitation arrived.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm convinced some of these kid-crazy people (person?) are trolls and just posting to rile everyone up.

No one I know IRL acts like this. Maybe I'm lucky that I dont have such entitled selfish friends/family, but I'd be shocked if people actually behaved like this.

It's 100% fine to not invite someones children, or any children. It's 100% fine to decline if that doesnt work for you. It's not ok to try and guilt people into inviting more people or spending more money on you.

You are having a party. A few more people isn't that much. Be real. They don't want kids and it's fine. But, it's ok for that family to decline. Let it go.

OP and her DH are not having a party. They are having a sit down dinner. Even if they were, the average per person cost just for a meal is $85. That doesn't include the cake, the chair rental, venue, etc. A few more people isn't just $85/person.

You might be able to afford that, many cannot. Our wedding was only 50 people (including DH and I) with no kids because that's what we could afford.

If you cannot afford it, you don’t do it. We had 40 people with kids. We picked a cheaper venue, food and cake. Problem solved. It costs more than $85 for a babysitter.

PP you're quoting. There was no problem to solve. You had the wedding you wanted. I had the wedding I wanted. Kids were a priority for you. They weren't for me. Neither of us is wrong.

Family is a priority and they are family.

Ah, the old 'they're family!' excuse which has been wielded so often as a weapon to compel women to suppress their needs/feelings and prioritize everyone but themselves. How unfortunate it's so often a woman-on-woman tactic. You don't see men getting hit with it like women do and men certainly aren't getting bent out of shape about child-free weddings.

Besides, as has been repeatedly noted on this thread, not every event is appropriate for children. OP and her DH have decided an adults only wedding best suits them. The wedding is not at the expense of children. No child is harmed or negatively impacted by their exclusion from an adults only event. If only select children, were not invited, that would be completely different. But, it's not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a way you might be doing that 12 year old a huge favor. 12 years old in a room filled with adults they mostly don't know is not REALLY going to be a celebration for them, anyway, imho. I mean, I can understand the parents feeling upset and wronged, etc., but in reality the kid might have more fun at home.

Okay. Tell yourself that. If the 12 year old didn't want to come she wouldn't. Not inviting her is an insult, not a favor.

It's only an insult if parents twist it to make it one.

This. OP is planning a small wedding -- a perfectly reasonable choice -- which means only a small number of people get invited. It doesn't mean she is seeking to alienate everyone in her life other than these 30, it just means she wanted a small gathering. If you choose to be hurt by every invite you don't receive, that is a hurt you are imposing on yourself.

[Anonymous]

You are right. They are wrong.