Where Do I Go for Help? 7 yr old behavior problems
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Anonymous
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I need to create a better dynamic between my son and me, and would really appreciate help in figuring out what to do next - and where to get help.
Here's the situation: DS is 7. He talks constantly, is in general very unhelpful, says no to most things that are asked of him and goes to "time outs" multiple times a day (clearly they have little effect). He often mimics whoever is reprimanding him, rolling his eyes or talking back. He adds a lot of tension and chaos to our house. Nothing we have tried over the past 7 years seems to have had much effect on this type of behavior. He honestly doesn't seem to be able to connect actions and results sometimes -- he'll get punished and then say we're being "negative" about him, not seeming to see that he did something wrong, which is why we're upset. I think he's smart, does well in school and the teachers like him, although his talking can get him in trouble. He can be loving and be a good kid, but he's not fun to be around a lot of the time. It's also impacting our older son, who is the complete opposite, always wanting to please and be helpful. I don't know if things are at a point where we should be talking to a therapist or something, but I do feel like I need outside help to give me more tools to help him manage his emotions. (beyond all the books I've read over the years.) Thanks for any ideas or recommendations on next steps I should try! |
Anonymous
| Does he listen in school, besides the talking too much sometimes? Father is around? |
Anonymous
| Talk to the pediatrician to rule out other issues like ADHD. |
Anonymous
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Yes, great dad/ husband who had a lot more patience with DS's behavior until recently. We've all worn thin from it.
DS listens for the most part in school - at least I don't get reports otherwise. He can be very charming and funny when he wants to be - he says his goal is to be the class clown.... |
Anonymous
Can you honestly say that you are firm with him? children respect and listen to adults that have authority. |
Anonymous
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I would not do time outs for a 7 yr old.. he's too old for that. Does he have anything he really loves, like electronics? Use that as leverage.
Another thing is to make sure that, you, the parents speak respectfully to each other and to your kids, in general. That's not to say you can't command your DS to do something. But, when you ask your child to do something the first, maybe even the second time, do so respectfully.. "can you do xyz, please"? After the 3rd time, though, I do get mad, and usually end up yelling at my kids to go do what I said. My now 10 yr old DS went through a period of being disrespectful to us, the eyerolling and what not. I tried all these things, too. After a year or so, I just got tired of it and spanked him. It happened a couple of times. I think the shock of the spanking got through to him. You may not agree with this, but for my DS, it had an affect. I have changed how I speak to him, for the most part. Like I said, I try to speak respectfully to him. Again, that's not to say I don't get mad at him on occasion and yell at him. But, for the most part, he's been pretty good. Most of the disrespectful attitude has stopped. It pops up now and again. I just give him a warning, and he will calm down. |
Anonymous
IDK - I think this is a bad sign. |
Anonymous
| Read the Kazdin Method, OP. |
Anonymous
| Is there anything he could be masking with the class clown act? It's a classic sign of diverting negative attention and covering it with hollow praise |
Anonymous
| Parent Encouragement Program (PEP) - classes in Kensington and elsewhere in the DC area. I took PEP I and found it very helpful. |
Anonymous
| My son sounds a lot like yours. We started by speaking with his doctor and school counselor. They each spoke with my son and me. I would recommend doing the same. They would be able to tell you if they think it's a phase, how to start a behavior plan if it would be helpful or if therapy or a social skills group would be appropriate. |
Anonymous
| One more thing, in our situation his behavior was pretty bad and I was ready to jump into therapy. The doctor actually convinced me to slow down and wait. A year later he has tremendously matured. |
Anonymous
Agree, and I would urge you to focus especially on the part about working to create positive interactions with your son. Your dislike of your child comes through in your post. Kids want attention, and if they can't figure out how to get positive attention, they'll take negative. You need to break this cycle. Kazdin's approach is terrific. |
Anonymous
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This seems like a job for Kazdin! I think OP, that your son sounds defiant, possibly oppositional of it's been going on for a long time. Like others, I would rule out causes like ADHD-- defiance is extremely common with kids who have ADHD. It's why it's being suggested- not that every kid who acts out has ADHD. Speaking as a parent who has a defiant son with ADHD, here are some tips if it helps:
1. Don't engage-- when you "no" don't justify or explain your decisions to your son. Calmly make it clear that he is expected to do/not do what you have requested, or there will be a loss of privilege. Follow through. Later, explain your reasoning so that your DS understands- don't engage *at all* in the heat of the moment. A defiant kid is looking for a fight and anything you say will provide an opening. 2. Prioritize the bad behaviors- me, right now, I can live with eye rolling and even some disrespect as long as DS does what he's asked. The respect is important too, but a lower priority if your DS is openly defying you. 3. Reward and openly praise good behavior-- even if good behavior only means not deliberately annoying a family member for 1/2 hour or doing something that's been asked without a fight. You may notice that the more negative and critical you get-- the worse your son acts? It's a sign of lagging skills. He may need explicit praise for certain behaviors so he knows what to repeat. Good luck! |
Anonymous
When I was a middle school teacher, I learned to let the eye-rolling and heavy sighs go. It just wasn't a hill I wanted to die on. I took it as a way for the kid to express his/her feelings. Yes, disrespectful, but by telling them they couldn't do it 1) I was telling them they couldn't have that feeling and 2) it gave these little behaviors more power. So you could eye-roll and huff and puff all you wanted as long as you cleaned your area before you left the classroom. I also had to find ways to praise them for doing the things I wanted them to. But also be aware of the best way to praise them. I found class clown types did not want to be praised in front of their peers. They liked the praise, but would act twice as bad the next day if I praised them publicly. So I would often call them to my desk as if they were in trouble (very stern, mean voice). Then very quietly tell them, "I noticed you helping Sally, I really appreciate that." Then saying very loudly (and a wink), "Don't Ever DO that AGAIN". They totally ate it up. They got points with their peers for being 'bad' and their inner child got praised for being good. So 1) figure out the minimum you expect from him. Behaviors you are willing 100% die on that hill. Pick only a few. You need some wins in your column, so keep them easy. 2) Figure out his punishment currency. Time outs aren't it. Take away screen time. Take away toys that he has to earn back. 3) Find the best way to praise him. He might need it immediately, as it's happening. Or he might like it better later on like when going to bed, you list all the things you noticed him doing. |