Grades?

[Anonymous]

What greades do you require of your children? Straight As? As and Bs? A's in most things, but a B is O.K. in something that they struggle in? A's, B's, and C's? Passing?

In school, my parents always put not very much emphases on grades... so I never really put myself out there. I could have been an A student, but I was a A-B-C-D student. (Though it was very rare that I carried that D...)

However, for my own children, my husband and I both agreed to put higher standards on them. Since my daughter was four years old, I have checked her homework every day after school to make sure it is complete and accurate and I always request progress reports. I also make her tell me when she has a test and I have to see the grade.

As a result, I've ended up with a daughter who is basically an A+ student... I've never told her that she has to have these grades... but she does, because she knows I'm not going to go lax on her.

However, she's about to enter eighth grade, and I think it's about time that she become more independent... but I don't want her grades to drop.

[Anonymous]

I can't say I require certain grades of my kids. I do want to be sure they are able to master whatever is expected of them at each grade level. So if they are struggling with something, I will help them learn it -- or get tutoring, or whatever is needed.

For example my son had really bad handwriting in first grade and that reflected in his handwriting grade (and slowed him down in writing) so I got a book "Handwriting without tears" and helped him work through it. But it wasn't like I punished him for not getting an A (or an E) in handwriting -- I just used the lower evaluation to know what areas he needed help in.

In your case it sounds like your daughter has just naturally been getting all As. You have been reviewing her homework, and she tells you when she has a test and so on, but it doesn't sound like she's been struggling in any areas. If so that's great! It might be that as she hits high school, she may find an area that is harder for her. If so, and if her grades drop, you might wish to work with her to see why she is struggling, and to get her the help she needs. It is unlikely that she'll suddenly just decide to become a B or C student, if she's been getting good grades all along. If her grades slip, chances are good it is because she has hit somehting she doesn't understand, and needs your help.

[Anonymous]

i think this makes sense. Can you elaborate on what your homework checks involve? Are you verifying that it's done or you closely editing her written work, or just making sure it's done? If she's doing a research paper, do you give her ideas? Etc. It's hard to know what to suggest without this information. I think students should be self-reliant by Middle School so this is a good idea. My son is also a Seventh Grader, very independent. He gots A's and an occasional B.

[Anonymous]

As a parent and public school teacher I don't place too much value on grades....not meaning that I don't care, just I don't care if she gets a mix of A's, B's and even a C or two. Remember C is AVERAGE. Also, as a teacher I know that grades ares sometimes "given" to kids beacuse teachers don't want the parents questioning them. For example, a student really earns a 88%but get an A on the report card. If a good portion of the kids in the class/grade/school are making the honor roll it really isn't an "honor" rlol is it?

[Anonymous]

Our school has a tough grading policy and my kids are very young for their classes. I don't have any requirements for grades. I just tell them that their comment codes which reflect conduct and effort should be top-notch. If they are then I am satisfied that they are behaving appropriately and trying their best. That's enough for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our school has a tough grading policy and my kids are very young for their classes. I don't have any requirements for grades. I just tell them that their comment codes which reflect conduct and effort should be top-notch. If they are then I am satisfied that they are behaving appropriately and trying their best. That's enough for me.

Very good point...for life.

[Anonymous]

As a parent with one kid in private and one in public, I pay little attention to the grades, but a lot of attention to the work product. For instance, in public school, there are teachers that are all about the testing, but if you have concerns about your child's writing performance (because it is not being emphasized in school), then maybe it needs to be encouraged at home, or a discussion about the schools' writing program needs to be brought up at the next conference. Also, if it seems that the teacher is really pushing your child to excel, and that means a C or a B with a 3 or 4 for effort - you need to support and appreciate that the teacher is trying to encourage your child. Straight As for mediocre work (which I know is the case for certain teachers) is the greatest disservice you can give your child (in my opinion). Stay involved in the sense that you know what is taking place in the classroom, but let the kids do their own work and don't micro-manage - see what they are capable of, and help them become self sufficient as early as possible. If this means a few bad grades, it will only be helpful later - they need to become motivated on their own. My oldest is now in middle school and I'm shocked when parents ask me to check their kids backpacks when they get in the car when I pick them up after sports etc. I'm so happy that my 5th grader is self sufficient in this area now (after a few tough years of getting it together...). It is the child's performance (in line with their ability), and ability to work independently, not the grades that matter especially in the early years. And I can also assure you, that my kids are so proud that I'm not going through their lockers and re-writing their reports - trust me - the teachers and kids all know when spoon-fed kids are not doing their own work.

[Anonymous]

OP: I'm guessing your daughter is, thanks to your guidance, an intrinsically excellent student, and that she's not achieving because of externalities like the fear of disappointing you or any reward system. It's hard to know how dependent she is on you for homework. I'd analyze that and see what makes sense to revamp. You really should encourage her to become more self-reliant. I'd involve her, ask her how she feels about developing more independence since she's such a strong student. Also, if she's leaning too much on your for something, you need to identify that and cultivate independence and confidence there.

My son is also in Seventh Grade and my homework checks are verbal, I ask him what he's got and how long he thinks it will take. I rarely look at his work. (He won't let me!) He's on his own, at his insistence. As for grades, he gets A's and an occasional B. There is no grade inflation at his school. An 88% is a B+, period. My son knows we expect top grades from him but the standard is that he always tries his best and that when he makes mistakes he learns from them.

[Anonymous]

OP here: As far as actually doing the homework for her... I don't. I personally am a teacher and *hate* it whenever I see students who obviously had their parents do the work for them (though, that's a bit on the rare side since I teach French.)

I'd say my daughter is independent in just about everything outside of school... and even then, she does the work on her own. My concern isn't that she can't do the work, but that she won't when she realizes I'm not watching her so carefully.

When I was in school, I did my homework every day after school until I hit sixth grade... and then I switched schools and I just stopped. My parents didn't pick up on this until I was older, so my father started to ask me if I did my homework. I would always say 'Yes' even if I hadn't. And finally my dad started asking me if I turned everything in... And that ended up being always a 'Yes'... so I still didn't do my homework. I don't want my daughter to fall in the same trap.

But our home homework policy is: I have to see the homework and make sure that it's done 'properly'. If it's not done properly (IE: actual effort was put into it and it's not just random answers to math questions or just guessing, when the answer is in the reading) then she has to do it again until it is proper. She's not allowed to watch TV or get on the internet or talk on the phone until homework is done (unless she's calling a friend for a homework assignment, in which she may use the phone for up to five minutes). So, because of these requirements, she usually goes head and gets her homework done and it is accurate.

I'm so very torn, because I know she can be independent, but I don't want her to fall into a bad trap.

I think, though, that I am simply going to start handing back her work un-looked at, without telling her and see how things go. And then gradually tell her that she doesn't have to show me her homework. I want to get to the point where I can simply do what my father did (all the way through the end of high school). Did you do your homework? Did you turn everything in?

[Anonymous]

Thanks for sharing this. I do think it would make more sense to be open about what you are doing, and discuss the idea of getting her to be more independent and ask her what she thinks. Not looking at her homework without telling her after all these years is really not fair to her. Please think that over! As for her thoughts on your homework policy, she may surprise you! She may be ready to roar. Then again, she may be surprised and have to think about it. It does not have to be cold turkey. If she's resistant, maybe you and she could identify the subjects in which she relies on your most and come up with a transitional plan. Obviously she's an achiever, she could not get these grades in school without being one. However, if she's giving you homework that needs to be redone on a regular basis, you and she need to work on developing her self-evaluation skills so she can learn to gauge her performance. It will serve her well in the long run. I think your goal is great, total self-reliance. I'd keep the door open for help, in the form of bouncing ideas, etc. Good luck.