I just messed up.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. Just a vent about how I screwed up. I have a mil who was (is?) an emotional vampire. It took me many years to get our relationship to where it is now. It took a lot of ballsy boundary drawing, standing up for myself, and minimizing any real engagement with her apart from the superficial topics. This past year has been unbelievably stellar, almost without incident. And because of that, I let my guard down. I engaged her. We are about to spend a week long family trip together and now I am dreading it.

Maybe this is was a good thing. Reminded me to be vigilant. Because for an instant, I actually forgot the drama of past family trips.

Ughhhhh. But I'm just so mad at myself for screwing up. She has an amazing skill of driving me crazy. One moment of weakness from me and she's already suggested where the kids and I should be sleeping at a place that dh and I rented out for all of us, and how many nights I should cook dinner (mind you I'm on vacation and I have an infant going through separation anxiety and a toddler). And she has this habit of maniacally reassuring me about something that I am not even concerned about. She believes she's psychic and can read people's minds. Except she's wrong most of the time. She's also jealous because dh and fil have been talking, planning the trip, so she felt left out, and so she contacted me, saying maybe the girls should talk and plan too. That's where I got tripped up.

Help me find my strength again. Please.

[Anonymous]

Take a deep, deep breath and relax, OP. I did the exact same thing this year and planned a family trip with the in-laws...after YEARS of resisting. And it went fine. I had to let a great deal roll off my back because of snide comments, but I survived, and you will too. Take the high road. Remember this is your DH parents and you love HIM. Also, she has a lot more years of practice being the way she is than you do at reacting to it. So she is going to win if you engage. Just do NOT engage. Smile, nod, walk away (but not in a huff). Just make it your goal to ride out this vacation the best you can as pleasantly as possible. Then reward yourself (with a new purse, bottle of wine, or night out) when you do not succumb to her antagonism. And then make a note not to plan another vacation of togetherness again for at least another 5 years! You can do it!!!

[Anonymous]

Give her part of the trip to plan.

[Anonymous]

It's not too late to set boundaries. Make a list about how you want to handle this trip, where you want to sleep and how much if any you want to cook, etc. Then call her back and say something like "I was making lists after our talk and realized it won't work for us sleeping here because.." Or say something like "after we talked, I made a list and got so overwhelmed thinking about cooking with the babies there. I would really rather just relax." Be honest, set boundaries, and figure out what you require before speaking to her. That way you won't get caught off guard again. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Don't agree to anything the first time it is asked! Instead, say "that's interesting. I'll have to think about that," and "that's certainly a possibility. I'll bear it in mind." That's what we do with my MIL. Lots of "I'll have to get back to you on that." That way you can discuss with DH, strategize, etc.

On the cooking, do some yelping, make some reservations, buy some groupons for restaurants in the area, and then say, "Oh, you know what, we already locked this in." Make her babysit so you and DH can go out for a nice dinner too.

[Anonymous]

OP, just because she says something doesn't mean it's going to happen. Just because she says you should cook four nights doesn't mean you have to cook four nights. Just say, "hmm, I'm not sure about that. Let's see." Rinse and repeat. For something that has to be determined in advance, say "hmmm, I don't think that'll work. Let's do X."

Just hold your ground calmly and pleasantly. I like PPs point that MIL has more practice at being herself than you do with reacting to her. Enjoy the trip as best you can, make a game plan beforehand with DH so he's not constantly off with FIL or leaving you with the kids all the time.

[Anonymous]

I never commit to ANYTHING my MIL suggests. I always always want to talk it over with my DH in private. He does too, though he's better at immediately giving her a non-committal response. Love the suggestions here for batting it down.

[Anonymous]

OP and MIL are cut from the same cloth. Probably why they butt heads.

Instead of opposing each other, try to find something you BOTH agree on and go from there.

[Anonymous]

Ok, deep breath taken . Thanks for the supportive and helpful responses. I'll delay my responses to MIL (I knew this one, but I'm rusty). DH is the king of ignoring or avoiding answering all of his mom's questions, or answering her page long emails with 3 word answers - which I used to think was cruel, but over time, I finally understood why he had to do it.

Also will talk to DH about a game plan - yes, the last thing I want is to be left alone for a week with MIL and kids while DH is off somewhere. I'm going to have fun, enjoy the time as best I can, and be like a duck, and let everything else roll off my back. Wish me luck.

And 12:51 - you are way off. We don't butt heads. It's not about not agreeing on things. I'd attempt to explain the soul-sucking insanity of it all, but I don't have the energy.

[Anonymous]

I think if you are that bothered about the commitments, try something new and not deliver. Just flying fail. Let the night come, have nothing planned and tell your MIL "Oops! I don't think I'll be able to have dinner tonight/in the next 30 minutes. Can we order some pizza?"

If you are totally even more upset, do it every night she assigned you dinner.

If you don't like the room, just get their early, unpack your stuff there and say "oh the kids already took over this room so I decided to unpack here... Maybe be sleeping in it when your MIL arrives, if you can arrange it and you don't even have to explain. It'll be explained by your husband by the time you wake up." It can be napping with the kids or with your husband watching the kids while you nap. (dejavu... I've done this with my SIL who assigned the rooms. haha.)

That'll make her think twice before she imposes her plans on you.