Dealing with a difficult person

[Anonymous]

Do you have any strategies for dealing with a difficult family member? He is sometimes charming and nice, but more often, downright mean and manipulative. For various reasons, he cannot be cut out of our lives. But I could use some strategies for dealing with him.

[Anonymous]

Tell him nothing personal. NOTHING. Keep all conversation superficial. If he probes for more info about something, don't get defensive, make a joke out of it. Answer his questions with questions back to him. Above all, do NOT take any bait that's thrown out by him to get you riled up or sharing more than you want.

Don't expect him to change and treat him as you would an elderly senile relative. Polite and kind, but not trusting them with your house keys or secrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell him nothing personal. NOTHING. Keep all conversation superficial. If he probes for more info about something, don't get defensive, make a joke out of it. Answer his questions with questions back to him. Above all, do NOT take any bait that's thrown out by him to get you riled up or sharing more than you want.

Don't expect him to change and treat him as you would an elderly senile relative. Polite and kind, but not trusting them with your house keys or secrets.

Thanks. I have learned to not say much, as he twists things around later and never, ever forgets anything. It is entirely exhausting having to deal with him.

[Anonymous]

How often and in what way must you deal with this person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How often and in what way must you deal with this person?

Just a few times a year. Usually for 4-5 days/time.

[Anonymous]

I just wanted to reach out and say I am sorry to hear, OP. I know what it is like, and it is awful. Believe me when I tell you - it is *not* you.

[Anonymous]

I have one of these. He's only mean if you let his comments get to you. He's only manipulative if you allow him to be.

In other words, whatever poison he spits at you, just say "yeah whatever. So how is Susie?"

His opinion and actions do not matter in your life.

[Anonymous]

So, I think the advice is to just be friendly/cordial, but distant. Which sounds right to me.

Do you think there is any hope that people like this can change?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just wanted to reach out and say I am sorry to hear, OP. I know what it is like, and it is awful. Believe me when I tell you - it is *not* you.

Thank you. It has taken me years to realize this. And it is only when I told/showed other people what he would say or write that I began to see that this has nothing to do with me. But it is crazy! And tiring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, I think the advice is to just be friendly/cordial, but distant. Which sounds right to me.

Yep. Also be aware that manipulative people like this tend to have natural instincts for what the security industry calls "social engineering."

Even if you limit information, this kind of person will use the existence of your interaction to imply to others that he/she knows more than he/she actually does as a means of fishing for information from them. Along the lines, of when you send Mean Family Member a deflective email that says something as simple as, "been busy with work," MFM will call another family member and say, "FAMILY MEMBER X, I've been talking with Larla and she told me all about how crazy busy she's been at work, and I'm a little worried about her. Do you think she's overwhelmed? Do you know if she'll be getting any time off or if they can take a vacation any time this summer? What is she doing with Larlito and Larlita to fill the time since she's so busy? Does Larla's husband help out or is he crazy-busy, too? ..."

Or, MFM calls up another FM Y and says, "Have I done something to offend Larla? I got a very terse email from her and she's usually so friendly! Has she seemed withdrawn lately to you? Do you think she's overwhelmed at work? Do the have enough to do during the summer? Do you think she's stressed about something? ..."

Unless your other FMs/mutual friends (if any) know to deflect and defer when dealing with MFM, too, they will take MFM's questions as legitimate concern and promptly tell MFM all of his/her thoughts and about what they know about your plans, what's going on in your life, etc.

Anonymous wrote:Do you think there is any hope that people like this can change?

No.

[Anonymous]

Dealing with him - - do not be in a confined space with him ever. I have relatives with whom I will never, ever go out with them on their sailboat. There's no escape.

You need to always have an escape plan.

If it's a family gathering, mingle. Buffets are best. Do not sit near him or if you have the option get up and change spots if conversation goes downhill. Meet in a neutral location. Have your own wheels to get home. Don't invite to your house unless you have to. And if you do, make sure there is a definite ending to the event - never invite them over to just "hang out"

Don't confide in this person. Don't expect they will change. Don't expect an emotional bond. Don't take them on as-a-project.

Most of all - do not create drama. Act civil which is not that difficult to do.

[Anonymous]

and I'm a little worried about her...

The person hearing this has to be on guard. I never assume good intentions, a selfless concern for the other person, when I hear a phrase like this. This is about-to-be-spoken gossip made to look like concern.