Divorcing When You Are Not Angry

[Anonymous]

[Cross-Posted from Off Topic Forum]

I have been thinking about divorcing my DH so long that I am past the mad stage. Now I am at the profoundly sad stage. I keep hoping somehow things will change, even though there is no basis for that hope. Everyone says so - my counselor, my family, my doctor.

I am at the stage where I can see that he is a good person, and a good dad. But, for whatever reason, we are toxic for each other. He wants it to work. I want it to work. We have tried marriage counseling for two different periods, and it hasn't worked. I can't fix him, and he says he doesn't agree with my assessment of what is wrong anyway.

I think it would have been better to leave when I first decided to about 6 months ago, when then I could clearly and unemotionally see it wasn't going to work, or at some point since then when I was still angry. Not sure how I can do it if I am this sad. Things are not improving and perhaps deteriorating, so maybe someday there will be a sign. I actually think what I am really dreading is the pain (even though I am already feeling it), and the fact that there isn't any objective thing I can point to other than we just don't work.

Anybody else been here? Words of wisdom?

[Anonymous]

Divorce is huge, with or without children. If you had left six months ago, you might be agonizing today over why you didn't stay in the marriage another six months to see if it could work. You can second-guess yourself forever with a decision like this. I detect respect for your DH in your post. That is a wonderful thing and so often missing from divorces. So, appreciate that. Sadness is to be expected. You may feel angry again. There are lots of ups and downs.