Divorcing When You are Not Angry

[Anonymous]

I have been thinking about divorcing my DH so long that I am past the mad stage. Now I am at the profoundly sad stage. I keep hoping somehow things will change, even though there is no basis for that hope. Everyone says so - my counselor, my family, my doctor.

I am at the stage where I can see that he is a good person, and a good dad. But, for whatever reason, we are toxic for each other. He wants it to work. I want it to work. We have tried marriage counseling for two different periods, and it hasn't worked. I can't fix him, and he says he doesn't agree with my assessment of what is wrong anyway.

I think it would have been better to leave when I first decided to about 6 months ago, when then I could clearly and unemotionally see it wasn't going to work, or at some point since then when I was still angry. Not sure how I can do it if I am this sad. Things are not improving and perhaps deteriorating, so maybe someday there will be a sign. I actually think what I am really dreading is the pain (even though I am already feeling it), and the fact that there isn't any objective thing I can point to other than we just don't work.

Anybody else been here? Words of wisdom?

[Anonymous]

Yes. I waited too long to divorce. If you have tried your best and your counselor, family and doctor all agree it's hopeless, it may be time to act. I waited for several counselors to tell me to go before I listened Staying made things much, much worse in many ways.

Are you depressed? Does your doctor have you on anything? Getting on meds helped me a LOT.

See a lawyer, make a plan, do a budget, find housing. And then tell your DH you are filing for divorce. That's it.

I'd like to hear from someone else who delivered this news in a kind way. Mine was not a kind announcement (another affair discovered) but we are friends now.

Good luck.