WWYD-Mother
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Anonymous
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So i am an immigrant, came here in 2002, and for last 14 years paying for my mom's expenses back in our home country, started 200 per month, now close to 400 per month. My father and her had failed businesses so no money, in addition i pay every few years for stuff like legal fees, house, hospital stay etc, around 1-2k per year. I am an only child and she is estranged from her entire family.
Recently she came to visit us for 3 trips and as an adult i realize she is narcissist, entitled and manipulative. Either ways, i send her 750 or so every other month. I sent 750 in june, voluntarily sent 500 in july as she had a hospital stay, and now had to send in aug. I am having a c section, so taking it easy and told her today i will send 2 weeks late. She left me the most explosive VM this morning, calling me names, bad words and says the world has never seen a daughter like me, asking what happened to my salary and bonus. The calls are obviously international ones, made using my money. She is not homeless or hungry. All this for sending two weeks late. She has done unreasonable demands before and painful calls, but today is a day before my c section, after recurring losses, i am over 40 so high risk. I am crying my eyes out, i have faithfully sent her money for 14 years. Dont know what to do, advise please. |
Anonymous
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I have no good advice other than to focus on yourself and your precious baby that you are about to have. Do not let her negativity ruin this exciting moment in your life. Forget her for the moment! I am sorry that this is happening.
Do not answer another phone call from her until well after the baby is here. |
Anonymous
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Sorry, OP. I agree that now is your time to focus on yourself and your baby. A book like this might help: Karyl McBride, "Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers"
http://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436 |
Anonymous
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My advice is that you tell her that when you send her money in two weeks it'll be the last time - she's going to need to find another source of income.
I understand that in some cultures adult children take care of their older adult parents as "pay back" for being raised by them. But I'm American and in my family everyone supports themselves. Sure, you take visiting family out to dinner here or there, or give someone the gift of a surprise trip for a special birthday or something. I think if your mom calls again, DON'T PICK UP OR LISTEN TO VMs. Focus on yourself and this beautiful new life you're bringing into the world. Then focus on recovering from surgery and bonding with your brand new baby. I want to give you a big hug and cook you a pot of soup and fold all your laundry and throw out the garbages for you. I want you to not worry about your far away mom and just focus on becoming a mom yourself. I'm so sorry your mom did this to you. She shouldn't have. |
Anonymous
| I am so so sorry, OP. Big hugs. Take comfort in your husband and your new baby. Block her calls or voice mails. Ask your husband to deal with them. Have a week or so in peace without her interference. Take comfort in the family you have created, which you can make more loving and supportive. Vs. your birth family, which you have no control over. Best wishes. |
Anonymous
| You have been a wonderful daughter to her, but it's time to focus now on your new family. I wish you all the best with your surgery and new baby. I would advise you send her money one last time and be done. Hugs. |
Anonymous
| I agree with what others have said. You should focus on your immediate family and not worry about your mom. You should send money one last time and tell her to get a job. You have been a good daughter to her and for her to treat you that way because you can't send it right away is awful. I'm a daughter of immigrants and I would do that also. Right now I give my Mom money here and there. She is always appreciative of the money that I give her. |
Anonymous
| You are a great daughter. She is lucky to have you. How old is your mom? Sometimes old age really changes people. Is it possible she has dementia or something? |
Anonymous
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Thanks everyone, my mom is 68 and yes she talks to herself and pretty much curses my dad, her dad etc. on a daily basis. Last few years as i have become assertive after having a family life myself, i stand up to her and dont buy in everything she says. She likely resents this as she has been very controlling and i have been submissive as a child and teen and till 25, basically agreeing with whatever she said. Past 1 year I have been limiting calls etc, but she can easily call 5+ times a day right at 9 am or in the middle of the work day and she expects me to drop everything and talk to her. And i *have* to send money by 5th of every other month.
Either ways i was always a sucker for her sob stories and helplessness and once i left and saw more of the world, i understand her selfishness, but hearing it first hand a day before childbirth and surgery is really hard. I am sure she will downplay everything she said, or come up with a great justification for it and expect me to have a relationship again and be the bad person. I just hope i am strong enough and have enough self respect to resist, especially against her show of helplessness and martyrdom. Thank you for your kind words. |
Anonymous
You have taken great steps towards becoming an independent woman. Do you think it's possible that while you're on maternity leave, you could go to a family therapist for help on setting boundaries with your mom? Look at what you said that I bolded. Why? What will happen if you don't send the money? Will your mom kill you? How will she get here if she doesnt have the money for a plane ticket since you didn't send her one? Bwah ha ha! You CAN block her phone number. She can't control you if you're not dependent on her. She's in a whole different country. Maybe you want to let your dad know what you're going to do so he's prepared to hear her rant about you and he doesn't worry if she says "I can't get in touch with Larla; she's not answering her phone!" You don't HAVE to send her money. |
Anonymous
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You are adding an addition to your family which will be an increased expense. Your family should always be your main financial priority. Your mom is probably freaking out because she knows you are about to deliver a new baby and that your attention will be on that instead of her financial nonsense. You sound like you are already doing a good job creating boundaries with your controlling mom. Make sure your maternity leave is drama-free from her and if you have to reduce financial support to your mom, then just do it. |
Anonymous
+1 So happy to hear of the new person about to join you. Focus on getting to know your little one. |
Anonymous
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Yes, focus on yourself. Treasure your little one and the special time you are having.
Hang in there. I'm sure it is difficult emotionally. But there are lots of terrible narcissistic moms out there, mine included and many people deal with problems like this. Take care of yourself. |
Anonymous
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She obviously has a lot of issues. It's especially significant that she is estranged from her entire family.
Can you change your phone number, or block her? Arrange a small amount of money to go to her each month. Otherwise avoid contact. |
Anonymous
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You need counseling. For this woman, you are a paycheck. I have a mother like this, we don't talk at all anymore. She hasn't seen or bothered to contact her only grandchild in over a year. Mine had a similar freakout about money. But in your case I can't believe you enable this shit. Not way I'd put up with the calls or send money until I got an apology. Because one of two things will happen - if you stay firm she will play by your rules or she will cut you off but you can't let
her continue to act like this! Seriously! And consider it training for when you need to discipline your own child. Where is your husband in all of this? I hope you aren't planning her visit to the new baby on your dime. |