Do you go to spouse for help or try to shield them from it?

[Anonymous]

I feel like my world is caving in on me slowly, family drama, about to switch careers, friends fighting, financial trouble. its all hitting at once. My DH is going through some of the trouble beside me (family drama and financial stuff) but he is working so hard and is so stressed sometimes I don't want to add more to his plate so I hide things, nothing that would affect him. Just things like a fight with a parent, or a sibling calling and arguing. He had something happen to him this morning and I was taken aback, by him saying "I wasn't going to mention this to you, because I know how stressed you are and I didn't want to make you madder but.."

I was surprised to realize that he also hides things from me to shield my full plate. Is this normal? I feel like on the one hand we should be leaning on each other in times of trouble but on the other I think it speaks volumes that we both don't want to overwhelm the other. But I worry about the shielding, I just wanted to see if anyone else doesn't unload everything on their spouse so they can have a nice day or whatever it is and not be stressed.

[Anonymous]

Sort of. I might sort of mention an issue, but also make it clear that it's on MY plate, not his, and I'm planning to take care of it (or it's already been taken care of). I kind of depends what it is.

Fight with my family: Maybe worth a brief mention. (Actually this never happens, so forget it )

Financial stuff: I mention, especially if he needs to know that I've got bills and checking account balance/cash flow covered, or if there's a need to cut back on expenses until the next paycheck. More information sharing.

Scheduling: If he's busy, I take care of it and tell him if he needs to check something or know where someone is, it's on the family calendar.

Needy kid: Give an update and a suggestion for how to best use his time with said kid ("So and so had a hard day with a friend today. She could probably use a hug and 20 minutes to talk and be reassured that you love her no matter what.")

That's it. My husband's actually better at shielding me from stuff when I am SUPER BUSY than I am. I aspire to be as good at it as he is.

[Anonymous]

Its very normal if you are of European origins. I say this as a European.

[Anonymous]

Sure. If there's something that (a) doesn't really affect my spouse and (b) spouse can't rally do anything about anyway, then sure I'd not burden them with it if there's enough other stress to go around.

But one shouldn't keep important things from spouse, especially if the withholding is more about hoping they won't find out.

[Anonymous]

I tend to tell my spouse everything, he's my best friend. When I come home I'll talk about my day and that usually includes anything that might be troubling me and he can tell immediately anyway if I'm upset about something and ask. I don't frame it in a 'help me solve this problem' way though so much as a 'listen to me talk through it' thing.

[Anonymous]

Neither way is wrong, but no- we lean on each other. Most of the time it just feels good to have someone listen. And a spouse cares way more than friends normally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I tend to tell my spouse everything, he's my best friend. When I come home I'll talk about my day and that usually includes anything that might be troubling me and he can tell immediately anyway if I'm upset about something and ask. I don't frame it in a 'help me solve this problem' way though so much as a 'listen to me talk through it' thing.

This reminds me of...

[Anonymous]

Not anymore but I used to. That's was a mistake Ill no longer make. Bottling it up inside hurt us both. It's all cards on the table now and it's a huge relief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tend to tell my spouse everything, he's my best friend. When I come home I'll talk about my day and that usually includes anything that might be troubling me and he can tell immediately anyway if I'm upset about something and ask. I don't frame it in a 'help me solve this problem' way though so much as a 'listen to me talk through it' thing.

This reminds me of...

hahahahaha. I am PP, I try not to do that to him!

[Anonymous]

My husband and I are best friends. We discuss everything.

[Anonymous]

I often shield things for a short while, but eventually spill it.

He's been crazy busy at work recently, and really stressed out. I had a few annoying things happen... Didn't mention them at the time, but a few weeks later, when we FINALLY had one evening to crack open a bottle of wine and chill out on the back patio, I told a few stories. Not in an "I need help" kind of way, but "you won't believe this story..."