Underdeveloped conscience, apathy, what is it?

[Anonymous]

My 11 yr old son, who has ADHD, and I were talking about the foster care system. It's not unusual that we get into discussions about serious issues. He overheard me and DH discussing thigns and wants to learn about it and join. He's always been a bit selfish and has what I think is an underdeveloped conscience. Like for example, the other day he broke something in the house yet blamed his little sister. It took a lot of prodding and then threats before he finally admitted he did it. We talked about how children in foster care often have a tough life, why, and how life is even harder sometimes after they age out. He abruptly asks me, "So does the government give a person money for taking in a foster child?" I answer "Yes, I do believe they do sometimes." "How much?" he asks. "I don't know" I answer. He then asks, "Why don't you take in a foster child so you can get more money?" I was appalled. He's a very bright kid who is developmentally very behind emotionally. Is there any hope? Anyone have a kid like this?

[Anonymous]

Spoken like a true millennial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 11 yr old son, who has ADHD, and I were talking about the foster care system. It's not unusual that we get into discussions about serious issues. He overheard me and DH discussing thigns and wants to learn about it and join. He's always been a bit selfish and has what I think is an underdeveloped conscience. Like for example, the other day he broke something in the house yet blamed his little sister. It took a lot of prodding and then threats before he finally admitted he did it. We talked about how children in foster care often have a tough life, why, and how life is even harder sometimes after they age out. He abruptly asks me, "So does the government give a person money for taking in a foster child?" I answer "Yes, I do believe they do sometimes." "How much?" he asks. "I don't know" I answer. He then asks, "Why don't you take in a foster child so you can get more money?" I was appalled. He's a very bright kid who is developmentally very behind emotionally. Is there any hope? Anyone have a kid like this?

Are you sure he was asking only because of the money? Maybe he actually thinks it would be a good idea to help a child in need and was just trying to understand the details of how it all works?

[Anonymous]

I don't see lack of conscience in these two examples. In the first example, I see stubbornness, and a showdown/battle between him and his parents. I would have avoided setting that up. In the second example, your child may have thought that YOUR raising a foster child had nothing to do with the exploitation of foster children by bad people out in the world.

Lack of conscience by children is demonstrated by consistent disregard of others' feelings and an inability to put themselves in the place of others. Also, empathy at age 11 is still developing, OP. So all kids this age technically have an "underdeveloped" conscience.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think kids at that age don't know what to thing. They spew many things. When mine said/say things that I find offensive, I always hit it head on by discussing it and pointing out how insensitive, absurd, factually incorrect, whatever, their position is. I rarely let such comments slide. Over time I saw my kids develop into really nice, sensitive, thoughtful people. But it's a long process that doesn't come easy for many kids. Oh, and my kids actually did come from foster care, and no you don't always get a stipend for them.

As an aside, most kids I see at that age say insensitive things all the time. Often I hear it them talking from the family room. So, it's not abnormal. And, at age 12, kids are just becoming abstract thinkers and are just really learning about empathy and differences in people.

[Anonymous]

I'm one of the most empathetic people on the planet, but even at 11, I didn't know all the implications of what strangers were going through. It's still very theoretical to a kid. How is he about other things in general? I'd haul off and torture my brother, but I'd fall apart if someone else were torturing him. Is he protective at all? In other situations? Does he feel badly if you feel badly? Those kinds of things that he can more naturally relate to at that age.

[Anonymous]

What he asked is fine. He views you as stable and a good parent, so why not help some kid who needs that and get some money for it?

Every kid blames their sibling for crap they've done.

The worst thing my 12 yr old ever said was last year when she tried to convince me being homeless would be fun because of having a tent and camping. She's not normally such an asshole, but was just In A Mood. We later laughed about how ridiculous she was to have said that.

[Anonymous]

OP don't worry. Jus a teeny tiny bit immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 11 yr old son, who has ADHD, and I were talking about the foster care system. It's not unusual that we get into discussions about serious issues. He overheard me and DH discussing thigns and wants to learn about it and join. He's always been a bit selfish and has what I think is an underdeveloped conscience. Like for example, the other day he broke something in the house yet blamed his little sister. It took a lot of prodding and then threats before he finally admitted he did it. We talked about how children in foster care often have a tough life, why, and how life is even harder sometimes after they age out. He abruptly asks me, "So does the government give a person money for taking in a foster child?" I answer "Yes, I do believe they do sometimes." "How much?" he asks. "I don't know" I answer. He then asks, "Why don't you take in a foster child so you can get more money?" I was appalled. He's a very bright kid who is developmentally very behind emotionally. Is there any hope? Anyone have a kid like this?

He just sounds like a future engineer to me. (Married one. Related to several more.) He was thinking about the system, not about how people feel. It's a systematic, analysis driven thought process, rather than an empathetic one.

It's useful to have those skills, but good people skills would also be useful. Reading novels (and talking about them) and drama classes can help kids develop those skills.

[Anonymous]

It's a normal question.


Why don't you take in foster kids to make more money?

It may be a morality question for you family, but it is a normal question.

I have a money maker, and I often have to explain "ethics" in business to him. Of course, most of his friends fathers are bankers and have no problem sleeping at night so it is actually really hard to explain sometimes.

[Anonymous]

OP, I understand your concern, but I think that the details you described are not concerning. There may be other things that have you concerned. If there is a problem, it is likely minimal. Think about it this way, he will get away with a lot since he is a boy (less tolerance of this behavior in girls). Also, it can be protective to him, being more dispassionate.

[Anonymous]

Become a foster parent, if you are so concerned about others - one can always talk about empathy, but doing is a different issue. Most people are very selfish and self absorbed and truly are only out for themselves. In some ways, that is a far better survival skill.

[Anonymous]

OP, he soundsa little like he has aspergers and not adhd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, he soundsa little like he has aspergers and not adhd.

This was my thought, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 11 yr old son, who has ADHD, and I were talking about the foster care system. It's not unusual that we get into discussions about serious issues. He overheard me and DH discussing thigns and wants to learn about it and join. He's always been a bit selfish and has what I think is an underdeveloped conscience. Like for example, the other day he broke something in the house yet blamed his little sister. It took a lot of prodding and then threats before he finally admitted he did it. We talked about how children in foster care often have a tough life, why, and how life is even harder sometimes after they age out. He abruptly asks me, "So does the government give a person money for taking in a foster child?" I answer "Yes, I do believe they do sometimes." "How much?" he asks. "I don't know" I answer. He then asks, "Why don't you take in a foster child so you can get more money?" I was appalled. He's a very bright kid who is developmentally very behind emotionally. Is there any hope? Anyone have a kid like this?

OP, I have an 11 year old DS and frankly, I'm more concerned about you -- that you would think a statement like this was worthy of rushing to DCUM, calling his conscience "underdeveloped" and asking if there is any hope.

Do you have any sense of reality of what to expect from an 11 year old?