Do I tell teen DD about my rape when I was a teen

[Anonymous]

I was raped by my BIL when I was 17. My sis had 1 son with him at the time. My nephew is now married and having a baby (baby shower this wknd). I was invited to the wedding 3 years ago but didn't attend because his father (ex-BIL that raped me) is now a pastor and was performing the ceremony. Now, the baby shower in which his father has also been invited to attend. I've decided to not attend that either. The question is now DD is questioning why I do not attend my nephews events and thinks I'm being rude. She wants to go (all her cousins will be there). I have forgiven him, but don't want to socialize with him or even be in the same room with him. I also have one sister that does not attend any event that he is at either.

I'm not sure what my nephew knows (he was only 2 at the time), and it has always been this dark cloud over the family. Should I tell my DD? I don't want her to think badly about me or her Aunt (my sister). Any advice would be greatly appreciated. TIA!

[Anonymous]

Why wasn't BIL tried and sent to prison? For your question, no, I would mot tell him.

[Anonymous]

How old is DD?

[Anonymous]

Are you worried about your DD around him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why wasn't BIL tried and sent to prison? For your question, no, I would mot tell him.

He did serve 4 years. It's been 30 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is DD?

DD is 16

[Anonymous]

This man is an X-BIL, right? Do you still consider him to be a threat? If no, and you've forgiven him, I think it's wrong to punish your nephew and family by not attending.

Why was he not prosecuted?

[Anonymous]

I think it really depends on how old your daughter is. But you don't even have to spill the details: "Uncle Bob did something really bad to me when I was a teenager. I love Aunt Larla and Bob, Jr., but I don't feel comfortable being around Uncle Bob."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you worried about your DD around him?

Not really worried. I don't want him looking at her. Don't want him to even know who she is. Can't imagine her hugging her cousins father!!! She would be her normal friendly self towards him and it makes me sick to think about him touching her or even being near her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This man is an X-BIL, right? Do you still consider him to be a threat? If no, and you've forgiven him, I think it's wrong to punish your nephew and family by not attending.

Why was he not prosecuted?

No. She's not punishing her nephew and sister. I think not wanting to be in the same room as one's rapist is totally reasonable.

If he was prosecuted and sentenced, and he's no longer married to your sister, I'd tell you daughter than when you were about her age, her uncle hurt you very badly, and you don't feel safe around him or want to be around him. I assume that you spend time with your sister and nephew (and other extended family) at other times, when the rapist won't be there. Remind your daughter of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is DD?

DD is 16

Honestly, this is too young, OP. It's enormous emotional baggage you are laying at her feet and 16 is really young. But I fully appreciate the problem- do you think you could tell her that the BIL "assaulted" you? Or something that gets the point across but is equally vague?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This man is an X-BIL, right? Do you still consider him to be a threat? If no, and you've forgiven him, I think it's wrong to punish your nephew and family by not attending.

Why was he not prosecuted?

My sister eventually divorced him but not before having 2 more kids with him. The thought of even seeing him makes me really anxious and afraid. Maybe I'll just show up, drop off gift and leave.

He only spent 4 years in prision for statutory rape. He said I seduced him and basically admitted to having sex with me. They prosecuted him for that instead of actual rape. That way I wouldn't have to go through a trial. I left the country after HS.

[Anonymous]

wow, OP. i am so sorry.

i would not tell your DD the entire truth. i understand your motive in wanting to do so, but it is a lot of baggage to lay on her. i am pretty sure that my mother was raped in college. she never came out and told me but let enough slip that i figured it out at 18 years old. it is a LOT for a teen to process about her mom. it was very hard for me and it wasn't like she told me and that it was somebody who i could potentially see.

as far as letting your DD go and be in his vicinity. gosh. that is a really hard one. i really don't know.

[Anonymous]

I know a lot of ppl haven't responded, but I feel that most ppl would think DD is too young to know this information yet. I will keep it to myself and let her continue to think I'm a bad aunt for not going to nephew baby shower.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it really depends on how old your daughter is. But you don't even have to spill the details: "Uncle Bob did something really bad to me when I was a teenager. I love Aunt Larla and Bob, Jr., but I don't feel comfortable being around Uncle Bob."

This. Exactly, this.