Am I obligated to give the eulogy or even any speech?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| Siblings are trying to push me to give the eulogy at father's funeral. I am the "family speech giver" so to speak, in that public speaking is part of my career. They are saying that I give speeches all the time, it wouldn't be right to neglect to give one at our father's funeral. Am I able to say no without sounding like a jackass? |
Anonymous
| Yes, you are. Sometimes family members are grieving too much to give a eulogy. |
Anonymous
| Is there a reason you don't want to give the eulogy? |
Anonymous
| Of course. There's no rule that you have to give a eulogy at all. At my grandfather's funeral none was given. Nor was one given at my grandmother's. |
Anonymous
I just don't want to. I've been taking calls, comforting relatives, making arrangements. I honestly just want to sit in the bathtub and drink wine. I don't even want to go to the funeral. |
Anonymous
I'm sorry for your loss, first of all. You are under no obligation to deliver the eulogy. Just be straightforward with your siblings and explain that you're feeling too stretched thin/fragile/overwhelmed to take this on. I'm sure they'll be understanding. And get in the bath and drink wine! |
Anonymous
| Of course you don't. Shame on them for guilting you at a time like this. And the reverend/rabbi/iman/whoever will be able to say something like "The family is too overcome to speak at this time." |
Anonymous
|
An increasing number of churches/clergy discourage eulogies during the funeral/mass, believing that the more proper time to reminisce is during the wake/visitation. Maybe you could check with the clergy member (if there is one) who will preside at the funeral. Perhaps s/he will let you off the hook and you can tell your siblings that it wasn't your decision.
|
Anonymous
I felt just like you and that's what I told my family. DH and our kids spoke instead. It was lovely. Nearly 5 years later, my sibs are still pissed. |
Anonymous
| My mom and her siblings did not want to give eulogy for my grandmother. So they asked me to. There's no rule that says that a specific person has to give the eulogy. Talk to the officiating clergy member and explain that you are feeling overwhelmed by all of your other obligations at this time and don't want to give a eulogy. He/she may be able to suggest some alternatives. |
Anonymous
|
OP, of course you can decline. And you can just say you are too overwrought and do not feel up to it. You don't sound like a jackass, even if others try to pressure you. When my father died, it was decided that all of us (3 sibs and me) would say something at the funeral. I told them I didn't feel comfortable speaking, and a compromise was reached: I did a reading. I did a very poor job at that, and wished I could just sit in the pews with my grief. A funeral is not a performance, and none of the mourners are paid performers. You need to process in your way. I would say "I'm honored that you want me to speak, but I am not up to the task at this time."
I'm sorry for your loss. |
Anonymous
| Op here. Now my overbearing aunt is also insisting that I give the eulogy. It is partially that I never had a terrific relationship with my dad, and I'm trying to process how I actually feel. Ugh. |
Anonymous
| Please honor yourself and decline. Be honest and say it's more than you can handle at this time. If a eulogy is important to other family members then they can do it. Or let a minister do it, that's their job, not your job. Your job is to greive (or not) in the way that is best for you. Wishing you peace and strength. |
Anonymous
Op is a grieving family member too and has the right to decline as much as her siblings do. |
Anonymous
I believe that PP was saying that OP is able to say no without sounding like a jackass (OP's words). |