Saying No - need to learn that fine art

[Anonymous]

We have a beach house. As everyone knows, that's a magnet. Right now, I have a full house and we end up paying for almost everything because my sibling is always financially struggling. My mother decided to come for two weeks, forgot to bring enough of her medication, and on top of that is now in the bedroom hacking up a lung from some sort of URI. I planned on a couple weeks to get things done here starting mid next week. I am now having MORE people asking to visit. Most likely, I will be sick with whatever crud my mother has, given she is not willing to stop 'helping' in the kitchen despite me demanding she stay out so we ALL don't get sick.

When I finally go home for the rest of the summer, my son's friend will be here for a week and then he wants to go back to his friend's house in NC. Third week, my DD goes down south to start her first year of college.

My mother is expecting to come back to VA for another few weeks in Oct.

I'm cooked, people. That is all.

[Anonymous]

Just say no. Carve out a "no visitor" zone or zones on the calendar. Draft up house rules and tell people these are the terms of them staying at your place. If your house is full, say NO to more visitors.

[Anonymous]

Already did that for the last two weeks of July.

Apparently, now my nephew is crying in the other room, because after me telling them the couch is new, my husband told him he could sleep on it because 'he wanted privacy'.

I had already said no.

He was told before he came down the rule was that the house was full and there would be no privacy, that he had to share a room with one of the other boys. There is a trundle in my son's room that's empty, a trundle in my other son's room that's empty, and an air mattress that's empty. There are three different spots he can sleep in. The family room was not an option.

But my husband says go ahead, sleep on the brand new couch. Defying my rules, defying the my SIL's rules. He's aspergers and my SIL wants him to learn that he has to follow rules, that privacy is something he can't always have. He almost accidentally walked straight into a butcher knife today as we were cleaning up from dinner; he was told to leave the kitchen due to endless pacing and talking and just didn't listen. It can be dangerous for him, so my SIL sets up rules that he MUST follow. He's 18.

Now I feel awful that he is upset because he heard me from the other room about the couch thing.

Ugh.

[Anonymous]

You have a DH problem, not a no problem.

[Anonymous]

How does your nephew have privacy by sleeping on the couch in the living room, with people walking through there, waking up early, going to bed late, watching tv?

[Anonymous]

Next summer look at your calendar. Email out with the weeks you are open for visitors and who needs to bring what.

Instate a policy that you change the sheets on your bed and clean your bathroom the morning you leave.

Then, enjoy beach house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How does your nephew have privacy by sleeping on the couch in the living room, with people walking through there, waking up early, going to bed late, watching tv?

I think privacy to him means not having to deal with his brothers - I fully get your point and told him just that. It was also some defiance because my brother and my SIL both told him the the rules about where he had to sleep. The good thing is when he bitched, they had no sympathy and reminded him of his agreement.

All is well this AM - except my 80 year old mother is here and was just diagnosed with pneumonia. On antibiotics. Sigh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Next summer look at your calendar. Email out with the weeks you are open for visitors and who needs to bring what.

Instate a policy that you change the sheets on your bed and clean your bathroom the morning you leave.

Then, enjoy beach house.

Yup, this sounds good. Can I have no visitors? Please

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have a DH problem, not a no problem.

Yep - he's a good man with too much empathy sometimes. This was the case last night. My brother told him this AM that I handled it correctly because with asperger's it's about setting rules and enforcing them. I probably had a hand in it as well, since my husband didn't fully understand that.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thank you all for just being there! It felt good to type it all out, and y'all were helpful

[Anonymous]

My goodness, OP.

See, I know my own introverted and non-multitasking limits. There is NO WAY I could have accepted this summer beach house situation. And I'm someone who has difficulty saying no!

You can cancel plans if you want to. It's YOUR house, and you need downtime to function well.

And your husband is short-sighted - he's not doing the Aspie kid any favors.

[Anonymous]

Say No. Keep practicing. no, no, no No, No, No, NO, NO, NO, NO. You tell everyone that a visit is one week, 7 days, and no longer. Everybody brings their own food or contributes to food bill, this includes booze money. Everybody helps with cleaning. You are the boss and what you say goes. No sleeping on furniture. In other words, make rules. If they or child is sick, go home.

[Anonymous]

I just say "No, sorry" and move things along. Never EVER give a reason.

[Anonymous]

Say no and offer no reason. Don't be a pushover. Don't care so much about others. I don't get this.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for reminding me why I should never buy a vacation home.