Dying parent, complicated relationship

[Anonymous]

My husband is losing his Mother and he doesn't know how to handle it. Mostly because as a kid she mostly abandoned them. Supported them financially, but only came for dinner a few nights a week.

If you lost a parent and your relationship was complicated what do you wish you had or hadn't done?

[Anonymous]

People die the way they live. Don't expect some great transformation (from your husband or his mother) just because she is dying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People die the way they live. Don't expect some great transformation (from your husband or his mother) just because she is dying.

He certainly doesn't expect anything to change, but more how to mourn someone that you don't have a great relationship or history with, but it is still your parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People die the way they live. Don't expect some great transformation (from your husband or his mother) just because she is dying.

He certainly doesn't expect anything to change, but more how to mourn someone that you don't have a great relationship or history with, but it is still your parent.

Is it worth clearing the air? Or say nothing positive or negative.

[Anonymous]

My conclusion was not to try to go over anything. My parent was incapable of apologizing, being mutual or being reciprocal. I went to therapy when his health really headed downhill, but while it was helpful to acknowledge his death was imminent, it didn't change anything or make me think there was so wing to do that I hadn't already tried many, many times.

And in the end, that was my lesson. I didn't mourn him as much as you might suppose, because I mourned so much while he was still alive. There wasn't much new to feel b the time he actually died. Him being dead has been a relief ever since.

[Anonymous]

Something, no 'so wing' - weird autocorrect

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My conclusion was not to try to go over anything. My parent was incapable of apologizing, being mutual or being reciprocal. I went to therapy when his health really headed downhill, but while it was helpful to acknowledge his death was imminent, it didn't change anything or make me think there was so wing to do that I hadn't already tried many, many times.

And in the end, that was my lesson. I didn't mourn him as much as you might suppose, because I mourned so much while he was still alive. There wasn't much new to feel b the time he actually died. Him being dead has been a relief ever since.

This. Mourned the finality of it -- the mourning over the mourning. The in and out parent is exhausting.

[Anonymous]

The following simple statements (as appropriate) can really help promote closure for all involved:

I love you
I'm sorry
I forgive you
Please forgive me

I'm still working through conflicted feelings about my mother who died two months ago. I feel guilty admitting this but I honestly like her allot more now that she's gone! After someone passes, their good qualities are emphasized and their demons are swept under the carpet.

[Anonymous]

My father played a similar role in my childhood. When he died, I told him I loved him and I thanked him. Without his financial support I wouldn't have had the experiences and opportunities I did. Sure I wish I had more emotional support, but he still made my whole life possible. He probably provided the most emotional support of my life in that week before he died and it did provide all the closure I needed.