help me get over being hurt

[Anonymous]

My family (DH plus two sons) are visiting family in NY (from DC). We are about to move overseas to Asia and will likely not visit again for two years. DH was only here for a week, the kids and I will stay an additional week. Sister and mom live in the same town; brother is about 30 minutes away. On Thursday, we all agreed (I thought) to go to brother's house for small b-day celebration for my niece on Sunday. Since DH had to leave, brother hosted just our family (me, DH, mom and two kids) on Friday. On Saturday, my sister said she thought Sunday was cancelled because of Friday visit. To add to the story, my sister has a friend visiting from out of town (CT) and seems they all preferred to spend the day at the beach. Brother and SIL bought food and cake, etc. They ended up inviting SIL's family too and we all had a great time, but I can't help but feel slighted by my sister. It sounds like she explained her situation to our brother, but didn't tell me directly that she would not be going (sort of implied it in texts).

Sister is off for summer and friend is leaving today, so we'll probably see her this week. Also, a big family gathering and party for niece are planned for Saturday and Sunday, respectively. Sister felt she would see us for those events, however, sons and I leave early on Sunday. I never had a chance to explain this to her because she didn't tell me she was bailing on our plans yesterday.

There's also drama between my mom and sister over my mom's 'neediness.' I'm hurt as I feel I've been relegated to the time she's already committed for gatherings, while friend gets to stay with her for a week and get her undivided time/attention. Sure, mom is always in tow, but she is our mom and we are leaving the country. I need to get over this. Help me be a bigger person. There is no way she will come visit us in Asia, so this is it for awhile.

[Anonymous]

It's very hard for me to follow all this. But the bottom line is apparently your sister thought the Friday event was cancelled/called off? Do you believe her? Do you want to stew about this? People who claim they 'can't help feeling' tend to set off red flags for me that they are narcissistic.

[Anonymous]

So she had a friend visiting and thought Friday was canceled? But there are family events Saturdag and Sunday she will be at? Not getting why you are so hurt. It isn't like aha completely bailing on seeing you.

[Anonymous]

The big picture is that you feel you are not valued enough, correct?
Well, unfortunately, there's nothing you can do to change that, and complaining about it is the best way to ensure that YOU come off as the needy one.
You sound too emotionally involved in petty details. Some of your family may be egocentric and uncommunicative, but it doesn't mean they don't love you. However you have to realize you will never have the relationship you dreamed of with them. Accept it and move on.

We are an international family, and have family members scattered all over the world. We are going this summer to visit family we haven't seen in SEVEN years. I have aunts that I have never met, because they live in parts of the world I don't care to visit, like Pakistan. Doesn't mean we don't keep them in our thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Op here -- Sorry, yes it's confusing. I think the short version is that I thought my sister and family were going to join us at brother's house yesterday, but she cancelled at the last minute. Presumably to go the beach with her friend. We will see her this coming weekend, so yes, it's not the last opportunity to spend time together.

Okay. this may be the first time someone called me narcissistic. I think I don't mind.

[Anonymous]

I think this nails it. Honestly, I don't want to make it dramatic, hence the reason I'm trying to get over it. Just needed to get it off my chest I guess.

thanks.

Anonymous wrote:
The big picture is that you feel you are not valued enough, correct?
Well, unfortunately, there's nothing you can do to change that, and complaining about it is the best way to ensure that YOU come off as the needy one.
You sound too emotionally involved in petty details. Some of your family may be egocentric and uncommunicative, but it doesn't mean they don't love you. However you have to realize you will never have the relationship you dreamed of with them. Accept it and move on.

We are an international family, and have family members scattered all over the world. We are going this summer to visit family we haven't seen in SEVEN years. I have aunts that I have never met, because they live in parts of the world I don't care to visit, like Pakistan. Doesn't mean we don't keep them in our thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here -- Sorry, yes it's confusing. I think the short version is that I thought my sister and family were going to join us at brother's house yesterday, but she cancelled at the last minute. Presumably to go the beach with her friend. We will see her this coming weekend, so yes, it's not the last opportunity to spend time together.

Okay. this may be the first time someone called me narcissistic. I think I don't mind.

OP, the rest of the world doesn't stop because you decided to move to Asia. Your sister wanted to see her friend, and also has plans to see you, more than once. I think you need to get a grip--she shouldn't have to spend every second with you.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are leaving. You have a heightened emotional response/level of significance for all the weekend's events. To the others, it's a weekend. Even if your sister *deliberately* blew you off for one day to be with another friend, that's really not a big deal. To you, it's huge because, wow, you are going away. But really, it's not that big a deal. Right now you are scared and anxious about moving to Asia, so it feels like a big deal. That is all.

[Anonymous]

What your sister did sounds fine. She is going to see you still. I think you need to let it go.

[Anonymous]

Op, let me guess, you are the oldest right? You are used to things revolving around you. Your sister is spending plenty of time with you. Let it go.

[Anonymous]

OP ~ you can't insist that other people love you in the particular fashion you would prefer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are leaving. You have a heightened emotional response/level of significance for all the weekend's events. To the others, it's a weekend. Even if your sister *deliberately* blew you off for one day to be with another friend, that's really not a big deal. To you, it's huge because, wow, you are going away. But really, it's not that big a deal. Right now you are scared and anxious about moving to Asia, so it feels like a big deal. That is all.

I have to agree. You are thinking about how everything in your life is changing because you are going away. For her, very little is changing in her life so she doesn't feel the need to sit with you day after day. It doesn't need to be that long of a goodbye.