Bringing up childcare with MIL?

[Anonymous]

I'm pregnant with our first child and my in-laws first grandchild. They live close by and my MIL has talked in the past about wanting to help with childcare. I work part time so we'd only need care about 2 days per week. I'm pretty sure she would want to help, but I don't want to bring it up and put her on the spot if she doesn't really want the commitment. Obviously, we'd love for the baby to spend extra time with the grandparents and it'd be easier for me knowing it was family, but I'm also perfectly fine with finding another arrangement if needed. I feel like I should start looking into nanny/daycare options soon, though. So, how do I approach this with MIL? Just mention that we are looking at daycares and see if she says anything? I don't want her to feel insulted if I go that route, like maybe I don't trust her? Any thoughts on how to bring up the topic?

[Anonymous]

Your husband should speak with her, not you. That allows her to speak her mind and feel comfortable doing so.

[Anonymous]

And remember it is a big thing to ask. Even two days a week, that is committing to not traveling, not dealing with health appointments those days... Consider that she might rather be back up for when the nanny has a vacation day or when you need extra off hours time. That might be a less pressure filled arrangement for all of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And remember it is a big thing to ask. Even two days a week, that is committing to not traveling, not dealing with health appointments those days... Consider that she might rather be back up for when the nanny has a vacation day or when you need extra off hours time. That might be a less pressure filled arrangement for all of you.

I agree. When she mentioned wanting to help with child care, she might not have meant committing to it as your regular daycare provider, but as backup or when you and your husband go out.

[Anonymous]

Tell her you want to get daycare lined up, but that you want her to see the baby as often as she likes. Tell her you want her to spend time with baby, but don't want to impose on her time. Ask her if she wants the whole family to get together weekly, and/or have a baby morning/afternoon alone once a week, and/or more than that? Assure her that you can be flexible with whatever she wants to do (and follow through -- grandma might say she wants to do weekly full days with baby, but need to scale back if she can't keep up). It might take some trial and error, but if you keep emphasizing that you'd love for her to spend time with the baby but that you don't want to impose on her time, you can work it out!

[Anonymous]

"We're starting to think about childcare for when I go back to work after the baby arrives. You've mentioned wanting to help with childcare a few times, but we weren't sure what you had in mind. We're happy to find outside childcare so there's no pressure on you to do it, but before we went down that road we wanted to see if you were interested in helping with weekly childcare."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her you want to get daycare lined up, but that you want her to see the baby as often as she likes. Tell her you want her to spend time with baby, but don't want to impose on her time. Ask her if she wants the whole family to get together weekly, and/or have a baby morning/afternoon alone once a week, and/or more than that? Assure her that you can be flexible with whatever she wants to do (and follow through -- grandma might say she wants to do weekly full days with baby, but need to scale back if she can't keep up). It might take some trial and error, but if you keep emphasizing that you'd love for her to spend time with the baby but that you don't want to impose on her time, you can work it out!

This is really good. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And remember it is a big thing to ask. Even two days a week, that is committing to not traveling, not dealing with health appointments those days... Consider that she might rather be back up for when the nanny has a vacation day or when you need extra off hours time. That might be a less pressure filled arrangement for all of you.

Yes, I definitely understand. I think we'd probably find another arrangement one day per week even if she wants to help on a regular basis, so that person could also serve as back up when needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her you want to get daycare lined up, but that you want her to see the baby as often as she likes. Tell her you want her to spend time with baby, but don't want to impose on her time. Ask her if she wants the whole family to get together weekly, and/or have a baby morning/afternoon alone once a week, and/or more than that? Assure her that you can be flexible with whatever she wants to do (and follow through -- grandma might say she wants to do weekly full days with baby, but need to scale back if she can't keep up). It might take some trial and error, but if you keep emphasizing that you'd love for her to spend time with the baby but that you don't want to impose on her time, you can work it out!

This is really good. Thanks!

+1. My parents live in the same city as my brother and have been the childcare provider 1 day per week for my niece for the last two years. They occasionally serve as back-up for the regular provider on the other days, but my brother and SIL also know that when needed they will need to find back-up if my parents choose to travel. Communication is key.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her you want to get daycare lined up, but that you want her to see the baby as often as she likes. Tell her you want her to spend time with baby, but don't want to impose on her time. Ask her if she wants the whole family to get together weekly, and/or have a baby morning/afternoon alone once a week, and/or more than that? Assure her that you can be flexible with whatever she wants to do (and follow through -- grandma might say she wants to do weekly full days with baby, but need to scale back if she can't keep up). It might take some trial and error, but if you keep emphasizing that you'd love for her to spend time with the baby but that you don't want to impose on her time, you can work it out!

I'd make this a little less "anything you want, as often as you like, flexible for whatever you want to do." You don't know how you'll feel once the baby arrives. Don't give her the idea that she has all the power to decide and you guys will just go along with it.

[Anonymous]

She need to bring it up. This is a major, potentially relationship changing deal. Tread carefully.

[Anonymous]

Just ask her to elaborate on what she was thinking when she mentioned helping out with childcare. No leading questions, no talk of your plans. Just see what she says.

[Anonymous]

Good lord seriously let her son talk to her. He can use these same scripts. That suggestion went without response. I wholeheartedly second.

[Anonymous]

Do you trust her to do what she says she will do? For example, not leave you hanging for a bridge game.

Do you actually want child care from her? Do you want to be beholden to her?

Answer these questions for yourself before asking for her assistance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her you want to get daycare lined up, but that you want her to see the baby as often as she likes. Tell her you want her to spend time with baby, but don't want to impose on her time. Ask her if she wants the whole family to get together weekly, and/or have a baby morning/afternoon alone once a week, and/or more than that? Assure her that you can be flexible with whatever she wants to do (and follow through -- grandma might say she wants to do weekly full days with baby, but need to scale back if she can't keep up). It might take some trial and error, but if you keep emphasizing that you'd love for her to spend time with the baby but that you don't want to impose on her time, you can work it out!

I'd make this a little less "anything you want, as often as you like, flexible for whatever you want to do." You don't know how you'll feel once the baby arrives. Don't give her the idea that she has all the power to decide and you guys will just go along with it.

Yes, she needs to understand what work coverage means. She doesn't have to say yes, but if she says yes, it is a major commitment.