When parents/grandparents have favorites
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Anonymous
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Its vety obvious in DH's family that Sister 2 is the runaway favorite. They favor her financially, emotionally and of course with all the attention. Sister 2 doesn't work and has two children, one is 5 and the second is 1. The 5yo has been at a $50/yr school paid for by the parents for the last two years, and has plenty of outside help, incl weekly housekeeper and part-time nanny. In addition to this, her parents visit her once or twice a month. In fact, my MIL boasted that she has never gone more than six weeks without seeing her grandchildren.
In-laws gifted Sister 2 a beachfront home next door to them in an exclusive area. She is spending the entire summer here from basically May to Sept. We are currently visiting them for one week which has become an annual visit, one of the 2-3 times a year we see them. I can stomach them putting my DH on a lower priority rung to his sister, but I am really hurt for my DD, who is 2 and a half. DD keeps trying to vie/compete for alone time with MIL. Its so sad to watch and my heart is breaking for her. Today, she was wandering the house saying "Grandma, Grandma" but my MIL was only focused on the 1yo(SIL was at her daily appt with her trainer). She finally just laid down on the floor and cried. When MIL/FIL are one one one with DD, they are great. But they just can't not focus on their other two when we are all together. Should I just stop the summer visit when SIL is here? We can move the trip to another time. Or, should I just prepare DD to be second fiddle? Looking for sage advice. Im sure others have been through this. |
Anonymous
| Does your husband see it the same way? |
Anonymous
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Sorry. That really sucks. There's a lot of favoritism in my DH's family as well. What does he say about all this?
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Anonymous
| It sounds like the favoritism to SIL's kids may be an extension of a strong mother-daughter relationship between MIL and SIL. I doubt you would be able to break into that, but maybe you could focus of developing a strong father-son relationship between FIL and DH? Things like having fathers day brunch at your house and making a big deal over FIL, or finding and encouraging FIL and DH shared interests. |
Anonymous
It's really not her job to fix his family. |
Anonymous
She wants more attention for her children. I'm not suggesting she try to fix the family, just build a better relationship for her daughter's sake. |
Anonymous
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I would visit at a different time. My MIL plays favorites, but it's because she is very insecure - she favors the grandkids where she thinks she can "win" at being the better grandma. I'm not kidding. We have a great relationship with my family and my parents specifically, so she knows she has "lost" and chooses to put her energies elsewhere.
People can be really crappy but this is about her, not about you or your child. Kids have lots of people in their lives to show them love and attention. Don't sweat it when people are too stupid to appreciate what they have - it's their loss. |
Anonymous
DH initially bought into the "poor Sister 2" line that the family perpetuates. I actually like her but don't understand why they all treat her like a princess. Sister 1, whom I also like, certainly doesn't get any preferential treatment. Sister2 has had a very charmed life. The biggest fight DH and I have ever had was actually over this issue. My own sister is severely physically disabled and I was not going to listen to the "poor Sister 2" act any more. He used to always bring it up to me. Despite being confined to a wheelchair her entire life, my sister managed to support herself and has limited outside help. He's never brought it up again. Once we leave here, I will bring up the favoritism with SIL's kids. My own parents have passed away which is one reason why I'm so concerned about DD having a close relationship with my ILs. |
Anonymous
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I have one of those SILs. Everyone (including DH) have some weird need to put her first. At one point I demanded to know what freaking black magic SIL had worked over everyone to have them do her bidding to the detriment of themselves.
OP, accept that she will not be dethroned and if you still want a relationship with DH's parents decide what the minimum is that would satisfy you because that is all you could hope for. Sorry. |
Anonymous
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My ILs favor their ex DIL and her two children. Not financially, necessarily, but overt favoritism in the way they treat XDIL and her children. At heart I think they fear that any slight will cause them their relationship with the GC, so they lay it on pretty thick.
Ex DIL moved within walking distance of ILs so that ILs can easier babysit, do before and after care, sleepovers. ExSIL has a boyfriend who lives with her and her kids, but ILs are just about raising these kids. MIL and ExSIL are in a very codependent relationship. My MIL pits the GC against each other and insists that since the other GC are from "a broken home" that they must be afforded every single opportunity and advantage possible. Most hurtful is that MIL makes her favoritism so obvious, even to my ES age DC. |
Anonymous
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Love to know what preschool charges 50K a yr. I don't know of any and I'm from NYC.
Why don't you spend more time with your parents instead of the in-laws since you think the favoritism is an issue. |
Anonymous
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Yes, visit at a separate time, OP.
(You do sound more pissed over the money she gets than the attention they give to your kid.) |
Anonymous
You are leaving something out, op. Why do they see sister two as "poor"? Are you an only child? And your child is an only, right? She can't expect to have a lot of individual attention if her cousins are around. It's probably good for her to learn to share the spotlight. |
Anonymous
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I think it's very likely they feel some extreme guilt over something that happened or there is a mental illness you don't know about.
I would change the trip next year but keep in mind you are very unlikely to change the family dynamic. |
Anonymous
I can't spend more time with my parents because they have passed away. |