How to deal with a parent who might be a hypochondriac

[Anonymous]

My mom has been sick for the better part of 20 years, and I mean lay in bed don't go out for days kind of sick. It started with a virus 20 years ago and she seems to have been stricken with some sort of auto immune disorder and no one has been able to diagnose. She also had a terrible fall that left her back in very bad shape and in a lot of pain. She is on tons of pain medicine as well as anti anxiety medicine. In addition to these known issues, about twice a year she goes into the hospital for various issues, like chest pains ( found nothing), allergic reactions, intense stomach pains. She has literally had every test in the world run on her and no one can ever find anything wrong with her. She over focuses on how nice or mean the nurses or doctors are to her and in general has lately just seeming to be loving the attention she gets from these bouts of illness. I hate to even think this, but is it possible that she is actually a hypochondria and just seeking attentions?

I am at a loss here. I feel like she has pain medicine addiction issues, and maybe some other emotional issues stemming from a bad childhood but everytime I mention either of these she calls me insensitive and that she is living in constant pain. Should I just support her unconditionally, or does this seem like something I need to push in order for her to get the help she needs. I fell awful doubting her but she just doesn't seem like she even wants to try to get better. Has anyone else ever been through something like this?

[Anonymous]

Who takes care of her and supports her?

[Anonymous]

My father is the main caregiver and then I usually go to see her once a month (a doable 4 hour drive) to give him a break. I have 3 kids under 6 so it is getting more and more difficult to get there. My father is retired and 68 and she is 67.

[Anonymous]

I have sort of a similar family situation with my mom. But my father caters to her every whim regarding her supposed health condition and she rejects any kind of counseling. So does he. So I don't really see anything I can do.

[Anonymous]

The most common explanation is that severe anxiety and depression are frequently associated with physical illness symptoms for which no one can find a cause. The pain is real in the sense that it is truly felt, but the cause is mental and not physical. Medication for anxiety and depression often reduces the symptoms.

Additionally, being anxious makes you hypochondriac. I am prone to panic attacks, and they feel like a heart attack - the first time I had one, I called 911 to report a heart attack!

As for the constant pain - pain and its management is an extremely complex and personal battle. Obviously, it looks as if it's all in her head. But even if it is, after all these years, she won't be able to change her outlook anyway, so even if you read her the riot act, it will hurt her feelings and not solve anything.

How does your poor father feel? He deserves a vacation.

[Anonymous]

Wow, either our moms are secret twins or I have a sister I didn't know about....

Yes, clearly this is hypochondria. It's also borderline personality disorder.

You need to set limits. You don't push her to get help, no. She's not going to do that. But you don't listen to medical sagas/complaints about doctors/symptom talk for hours on end. I set a timer when I call my mother or she calls me. When 10 minutes is up, that's it. I don't hear anymore about her medical issues.

It's not mean of you to set limits with her, OP. It's not your job to listen to this all day long. Your mother is getting what are called "secondary gains" from being ill in the form of attention, sympathy, and care, from you and your father. This has gone on for twenty years.