Desperate need for counselor/therapist/psychologist specializing in blended families :(

[sm99]

I am a step mother to 10-year old and 12 year-old girls and a parent to a 3-year old and 1-year old, and the wife of a traveling husband. The older girls are with us every weekend and now don't want to be with us so often. My husband is miserable and the tension in our house is high. We could use the skill of a counselor or therapist who could help guide us with best practices in with the issues of step-parenting and blended families. We live in the Palisades, but are willing to travel wherever for someone good. TIA.

[Anonymous]

On the weekends when the older girls are with you, is your husband also there or traveling?

What is your feeling about why they don't want to be with you so often?

[Anonymous]

Every sympathy here, OP! Have you read the book "Stepmonster"? It really, really, really helped me to better calibrate my expectations for my role as a stepmother.

I don't have any therapist recs, unfortunately, but I wondered about your custody arrangement -- every weekend is pretty unusual. That means the girls never get any downtime with their mom on the weekends, which must suck for all of you. Plus their dad never gets any time during school days. Is there any chance you could switch around the schedule? Do they live close to you?

You say your husband is traveling. Is he always home on the weekends, but gone during the week? If they're with you every weekend, that means you don't get any time alone with your husband without his daughters, either, which must be really stressful for you, too. Seems like it might be useful to take another look at physical custody to see if the routine could be changed.

[Anonymous]

Like the PP poster, I think the custody agreement is strange. I'm going to bet sometimes they want to be at their Mom's on the weekend -- I'm sure the majority of their friends are closer to their Mom's house. I would think some of what is going on is due to the age of the kids. But maybe you all live very close together.

[Anonymous]

OP, did the way you got to be step mom was having an affair with Dad while he was still married to 10 and 12's mom?

[Anonymous]

I have used Gail Bleach (on Lockwood Dr. in Silver Spring). She is well versed in these dynamics and was able to help my ex and I sort out custody and parenting plans. I know she works with blended families and is an expert in many custody cases.

[Anonymous]

PP again,

I think it is pretty normal for kids to want to spend more time at the "custodial" home (parent with whom they spend the most time) as they get older. They are more invested in their friends and often hate to miss out on weekend events.

It's important to remember that custody agreements can be fluid and they can be altered with the consent of all the parties. I think that Dr. Bleach could help you all work out an arrangement that focuses on the needs of the kids and helps promote your marriage and desire for a peaceful blended family. She'll likely meet with each set of the parents separately, talk to the kids on another visit, and bring the parents together to work on an agreement.

I am sure that there are other family therapists closer to you in Palisades. I drive from Bethesda to see Dr. Bleach -- it's worth it for me.

[Anonymous]

*Highly* recommend Susan Bilchik at the National Family Resiliency Center (http://www.divorceabc.com). The entire office is centered around families with divorce, and is especially focused on children of divorce. I cannot express how much they were able to help me and my family!