What to say to someone recently widowed

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure if this is the best forum for this question, but I really would appreciate your collective advice.

One of the members of my book group has just lost her husband to terminal illness. While we are not close - the book group is more business-like than clubby - we do see each other sometimes at school and social events and I can't help but find my thoughts turning to her and the desperate situation she now finds herself in - she has three young children. I feel I can put words of sympathy into a card for her, but I worry that when I do meet her I'll say something banal or inappropriate. I do want to convey sincere sympathy, but am not sure how best to offer that. At the risk of being intrusive, can anyone out there offer advice on the best things to say face to face to someone newly widowed?

I guess I have been sheltered from this whole bereavement process so far - this is the first incidence of someone in my near peer group losing a partner.

[Anonymous]

My friend (widow) said she appreciates plants over flowers and no lilies because they smell like a funeral home, they were fine during the funeral time but not after.

She would like to be invited to dinner, or to a sports event or to get a pedicure or something like that. She has too much time to think and filling that time is helpful.

She understand that people are just going to say, "I am sorry for your loss" and really there is nothing you can say, so don't try to hard.

[Anonymous]

Did you know him at all? Do you have any memories or thoughts to share? You can put them into a card for her AND the kids. Even if they're only small tidbits of something he helped you with or a time where he showed kindness. If they really aren't close to you at all, there really are no right words other than "I'm sorry". Can the book club chip in to have some meals sent or someone to clean the house, or something else that would make her life easier right now?

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Widow here. The best thing for me was invitations to fun outings. Don't say "Please let me know if there is anything I can do", unless you REALLY mean it.

[Anonymous]

Offer specific help and specific invitations. Not "if you ever want to grab coffee" but "do you want to grab coffee next Wednesday or Thursday morning?".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry for your loss.

+1 don't worry about anything else. If she wants to talk to you about it she will, then just listen.

[Anonymous]

Google Sheryl Sandberg's piece on Facebook after losing her husband. Lots of advice about what to say.

[Anonymous]

At the risk of igniting another SS thread, read her Facebook post. It had some good tips like say "how are you today?" Also, you can do something concrete like make a donation in his memory. For one family, I just saw that people were setting up an account with a meal delivery service (that delivers from different restaurants) so people could call and add money to the account. Then the family could call and order whatever they want, whenever they want. I thought it was such a thoughtful idea. Maybe a parent at school has organized something similar for this mom and her kids.