Am I being selfish or is my mother unreasonable?

[Anonymous]

I honestly want to know but please be kind, this is a stressful situation for us. My sister is going through an awful divorce. At least we think so because no one has actually filed for divorce yet but after a whole lot of nastiness we are actually hoping for it. They have been separated for a while and my sister is living with my parents. She's been severely depressed but is finally coming out of it a little bit. Anyway, besides the horror my sister has been through it's also been really difficult for my parents watching my sister go through this. My mother turns to me a lot for support and advice and while I want to be there for her as much as I can I have 4 little children, a husband and a job to worry about. She always wants me to invite my sister places and for me to come over and see her at night after my children have gone to sleep. This week my parents are on vacation and my mom keeps texting me asking when I'm going to see my sister, make her dinner, etc. My kids started summer break this week before camp starts next week so it's a really busy week for us too with lots of plans we made before my parents decided to go out of town. DH and I have a date night planned tonight (and it's been months since we've done that) and now my mom wants me to invite my sister too. I feel like I just want to explode at my mom and tell her to stop putting so much of the responsibility for my sister on me when I have enough on my plate too but I know that probably won't help. My DH is super supportive so that helps but I just wanted some unbiased opinions if I'm being unreasonable for not wanting to do more or if my mom is unreasonable for putting this on me.

[Anonymous]

Op, sounds like you are making decently good-enough decisions. This drama w/sister could be life-long.

[Anonymous]

You are not being selfish

[Anonymous]

"Mom, if you can't handle having sis and her issues around all the time, talk to sis. I will do what I can, but let me manage my own relationship with sis. And realize that no matter what we do, it is not going to cure her depression or otherwise fix the situation, so stop acting like me coming over is a life or death matter. It's not."

[Anonymous]

Go on your date night. Can you just invite your sister over for your family dinner tomorrow night? Order pizza in or something simple. Let your sister spend some time with your kids.

I completely understand being overwhelmed with family obligations and having a parent ask you to do more. It's really hard.

Maybe just throw your sister a bone - for her, not for your mother.

Invite her to join you guys for something benign that you are already planning to do - maybe invite her to one of your kids sports games or something...

[Anonymous]

Also - it's not one extreme or another - not "selfish" or "unreasonable"

[Anonymous]

No, you're not being selfish. Does your sister have kids? Is she working? Does she actually want all this attention from you, or is this your mother's way of managing the anxiety that she (mom) is feeling?

[Anonymous]

I'm sure your sister is struggling but I don't think your parents are doing her any favors by treating her like a child. She might need some adult company but I doubt she needs someone to go over there and make her dinner. Is your mother afraid she's going to hurt herself?

Obviously, date night is off-limits and your mother really overstepped when she asked you to invite your sister. Perhaps you can schedule one or two days per month for visiting with your sister or having her join your family for dinner. That way, your mother knows when to expect you and she won't nag you non-stop on the other nights.

[Anonymous]

You are not being unreasonable. The question is, why are your mother's reminders/nags getting you so angry? Are they hitting a nerve. Just tell your mom in a joking way to back off a bit.

[Anonymous]

Do you not want to do more just bc your mom is nagging you, or because you don't want to be around your sister? it's not clear from your post.

[Anonymous]

OMG!
What your sister needs IS SOME TIME ALONE!
Tell your momma to try to back off a little and let your sister breathe.

[Anonymous]

If I were going though a bad break up the last thing I would want to do is be a 3rd wheel on someone's date night!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: If I were going though a bad break up the last thing I would want to do is be a 3rd wheel on someone's date night!

Right? Tell your mother to back off.

[Anonymous]

Ignore the texts or simply write back "It's under control" and then ignore follow-up texts.

[Anonymous]

Your mother needs to stop nagging you and dumping this on you. You can and will support your sister as best you can, but you can't overextend or prioritize it above all else. Four kids is a lot! Instead of you being expected to go there and make dinner for your sister, for example, why doesn't your sister come over and help you make dinner for everybody?